Day 118: A beautiful Letter

After church, I was handed this letter from my Peanut. I don't think it needs any explanation.

Anybody that knows me personally, knows what a rough start Peanut and I have had. For the past five years (and a few months added to that), I've been trying to establish a relationship with her. And only in the last few months, I can see a breakthrough. It makes me so happy. So receiving this today, brings tears of joy to me.

I am thankful that she is part of our family. That she is different and keeps me on my toes. That she is always funny and silly, and brightens up all of our days. I thank her that she teaches me new points of view and that she stretches me constantly. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter.

Day 60: Good Friday

We celebrated today's day by not having an official school day, by playing with friends in the park in the morning, and by having a dinner celebration with friends. The kids had their own table (and so did the adults - hallelujah!). So they all dressed up nicely. I love when these kids do their own prayers in their sweet little voices, it's so precious. We had a fantastic time worshiping and eating. Thank you, friends, for having us over.

And thank you, Jesus, for going on that cross knowingly what would happen to you. Thank you, God, for your almighty power conquering death and giving us the gift of eternal life. It was a sad day so many thousands of years ago, but in just three days, we will celebrate even more because of Jesus' resurrection. Praise the Lord.

Day 006: Teaching the youngest

I love when this happens over and over again. Trust me, it doesn't happen too often, but when it does, my heart jumps and I feel accomplished. THIS right here is what homeschooling is all about. Learning together, all different ages, kids learning from kids, learning to count on each other as siblings, working together, and so much more. They are bonding for the rest of their lives. And I just step back a little and watch in wonder.......

I am so thankful to God that He gave me the desire to homeschool. And even if it is not easy every day, I enjoy what I do and I wouldn't change it for anything in this world.

A constant source of joy

When I look into her eyes,
when I feel her hug me tight,
when she calls me by my name,
when she smiles as only she can,
when she throws her head on my shoulders,
and when she falls asleep on my back,

then I know... that I have been so blessed.

With a little girl that took away all those years of grief and sadness, just as it is said in Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." God kept His promise and I am honored to be able to see it every day right in front of my eyes.

She is beautiful. She is happy. She is mine.

I don't know where to start as I am constantly amazed by her and my heart literally overflows with pride.

Munchkin has been with us for a little over a year but it sure feels like it has been forever. She completes our family. She is a little firecracker, and yet gentle and caring. Anything that she is exposed to, goes right to her brain and is applied. Clapping, High-fives, throwing a ball, climbing up the stairs and scooting back down on her bottom, pretend-reading, sorting shapes, doing puzzles, and yes, eating with a fork. 

She interacts so well that I could easily forget how old she really is. She shows so much compassion for her siblings. If one of them gets hurt, she comes over for a pat on the back and a long-lasting hug of comfort. When one of them cries, she cries, too. They play kitchen, she has to be right next to them. We go outside to play soccer, she grabs her mini soccer ball and kicks it - just like the big kids!

Her small motor skills are incredible. One of our little routines, when I want to go to the bathroom, is to give her a small piece of toilet paper (clean of course!). In hand, she runs of to the stairs and rips it into microscopic small pieces. Nope, she does not put a single one into her mouth! And then she brings them over for me to throw them in the garbage.

And none of this goes without verbal communication. I am absolutely blown away by the things coming out her of mouth. At one year old, she knew every member of her family, including the extended family of grandparents and aunts and uncles - by name. Of course, like with Peanut, I am trying to teach her baby sign language, but really, it is in vein as she signs AND says it at the same time. Signing more and saying 'mo', so Mami and Daddy really get that she wants more!

Words that I have heard her say include: 'hi', 'bye-bye', 'baby', 'water', 'waffle', 'cereal', 'shoe', 'nigh-nigh, 'go', 'peek-a-boo', 'ba' (for bath), 'wow', 'than you' and 'please', 'wau' (German for woof), 'doggie', 'meow', 'lalala' (for music), and her newest thing: 'are you?' (for where are you?).
I do not remember my other kids being that talkative at this age.

She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it by asking for it. She understands pretty much everything I ask of her. When she stands up in the bathtub or her high chair, I ask her to 'sit down' and she sits. She drops a toy (and Mami does not feel like playing the pick-up game) and I ask her to 'pick it up', she does it. It feels like with child number three, I have really gotten a hang of parenting - at least SHE makes me look like it.

Thank you God for our little Munchkin, for blessing us with her presence - it is a gift that we cherish each and every day.

God is all you need!

I did not want to be strong.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be vigorous, tough, and courageous.

Neither did I know how capable I really was.

Lately, I have had a few people come up to me and say things like "I admire your strength" or "I envy your faith" and even "You are an inspiration".

Believe me, when I think of myself, I do not see any of this! And yet, I have to admit, there is a certain strength inside of me that I never knew I had before - and may it merely be my survival mode. I am a fighter, and not a person to be known to give up (easily). I CAN endure.

Though as nice as these compliments are - and they do feel good - I can not take in the praise for something I did not do myself! It was only with God and through Him that I am where I am today. God only gives us what we can handle, even when we think we can't take it any longer. He knows better. And He rewards us when we follow His lead.

Am I really stronger? Or have I simply learned to lean on God - more? I think what is bigger is my faith, not my tenacity or perseverance. I KNOW I can rely on my Savior for anything. My world might get shaken up, but my Rock will be the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38), and He won't give me anything that I am not able to withstand.

God was my hope in my darkest times. He saved my life, and today, I can 'claim' to be a survivor. He helped me to turn my anger into faith, in Him. He healed me physically and emotionally. It was a long road, and I do expect to fall back once in a while, but I also know that I will bounce back to the truth, God's truth. I surrendered and entrusted my life back into His hands, and I am very comfortable with that.

So I guess God made me stronger. He transformed me into a confident woman that desires to bless others. I have more courage to follow my dreams. I dare to be bolder about my faith. I believe that I am a little wiser, at least in my knowledge to cherish each and every day and not to waste life with foolishness. And if I lose all of the above, I am certain that I will always have HOPE!

If YOU are at a point in your life where it seems that you can't go on, that there is not an ounce of strength left inside your body to carry on - stop! Stop, get down on your knees, surrender, and let God carry YOU! It is a wonderful experience. Once He has picked you up, it will bring you joy; the joy of sharing His glory, and be a testimony to others.

God can do so much for YOU. God loves you. He delivers you from your trouble and lifts you up. He is satisfying. He brings peace, hope, and happiness. It's pleasing to please Him and others. It fulfills and gives a purpose.
God is all you need.

Trusting God in Dark Times

This morning, I woke up to a dark world. I so did not want to get up. I turned around in bed to be faced by a beautiful baby girl - I guess she slept with me. At that very moment, two other kids jumped in bed with me, smiled and screamed 'hungry'. What does a mother do in a situation like this? Get up anyways. Even when everything inside of me wants to give up and just lay there, questions racing through my head, and no answers but an empty feeling.

The reason why I awoke in such a state comes from my day yesterday. Something happened in my brain - or was it the devil getting a stronghold again? - and all my doubts came back. My insecurities. Fears. Anger. Jealousy. Pain. And yes, the question if I could ever change after all, or is it too late for me? It not only put me in a bad mood, but it also affected our family day.

I had a good week. A week with some normal life and some trials. But I think I handled them pretty well. I reached out when I wanted to pull away. I talked when I just wanted to say "I am fine". I really thought about why I was feeling a certain way. I read the Word, books, devotionals, bible verses I had jotted down. I prayed. And I told myself the truth over and over. I did good.

How can it be then, that I got sucked into this state again, after only a week? Ugh.... This is so frustrating. And yes, I can be hard on myself, and I can get quite impatient with myself.  So besides everything else, I also need to learn patience.

At a local church, I heard a sermon that was so GOOD! The speaker doesn't realize what He showed me this morning, because really, his sermon was on something else. But certain words, verses, spoke to me and woke me up! Thank you, God!

I see the world as dark because I was taught to see it that way! My atheist parents walk on a dark path and to this day, deny that the light exists! But I know better now. God is my light, He is suppose to brighten my day. I just don't let Him sometimes! And really, I am suppose to be the light for others, too. So I have not done a good job in fulfilling my job description as a Christian.
Disobedience!

Is it hard to pull yourself up out of such a state? Hell, yes. Is it hard to worship God at a time such as this? Yes. Am I able to praise Him in the darkness? Not really. So what am I doing?
Disobedience!

The truth is that I am suppose to thank God in all my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

The truth is that we are suppose to face those trials with joy (James 1:2). 
The truth is that He will "restore, confirm, strength, and establish" us through those trials (1 Peter 5:10).

The inner pessimist inside of me wants to ask: "Why so many trials, God?" and "Why does it hurt so much, Lord?" I want to scream: "Why does it feel like my life is too hard? Why does it appear others seem happier and do not have to suffer this much?" Oh, the questions my little brain can come up with.....

I've got some answers this morning! It's all clear now.... now I just have to live accordingly.... 

It's the attitude. I need to concentrate on counting my blessings! And I have been a very bad manager of my blessings. I KNOW very well, how blessed I have been and how blessed I am right now, this second! "The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) I AM RICH.
That is a truth that I know.

In the past, I did not manage those blessings right. When trials come my way, when the devil tries to turn my attention away from the blessings, I see blessings that are not meant for me but for others. Jealousy is a sin! I need to concentrate on my very own blessings, and thank God for them! God created them especially for me, and I deserve them. My blessings are just as special as everybody else's.

God only gives us as much as we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). Then He comforts us with His peace in John 16:33, and He promises that all things will work together for good (Romans 8:28). Trials are suppose to teach us perseverance (Romans 5:3). After all, nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26). Wow, the present and future look much brighter with this truth!

God intended for us to prosper (Jeremiah 29:11) and to be in good health of body and mind (3 John 1:2). He WANTS us to be happy with His will (Romans 12:2). And He wants us to thank HIM! (Psalm 107:1) In all my circumstances. So really, I have not trusted Him enough. I think I have doubted Him to be able to help me, change me.

Also, my attitude needs to change when I am faced with a problem. I need to ask myself: "God, what are you trying to show me?" Once He reveals that to me, I need to ask: "God, which way do you want me to go?"  He is the author of my life. He knows what is best for me. I need to listen to Him.

There is beauty in each situation. This world is beautiful. And in being a good person, an optimist, a light to the world, I will help to make this world a better place. It's my responsibility as God's child, accepted and loved by Him. And for myself, I want to feel God's blessings every second of my life -  I don't want to miss a single one that He has specially for me.

God is teaching me that if I couldn't trust in anybody else, I can trust in Him.
God teaches me that if I feel lonely, He is always there, He never leaves me. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
God is teaching me to have hope in MYself, to believe in me - He can perform miracles.

A transformation is not always going forward, it's also stumbling, falling, and being picked up.

(And in case, you don't know which transformation I am talking about, you can catch up here, and then here.)

Something to celebrate

I started this blog in order to spread the good news of 

.

And next week, I get to celebrate that hope big time. (and no, it's not my birthday!)

What is hope? I am talking about that feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I expected God to fight my fight for me because I knew I was too weak to fight it myself. I expected Him to be there for me. I expected Him to guide me by His hand to a better tomorrow. And that totally happened. I have been blessed with life, love, hope, and faith. I have been blessed with family, friends, and children that I thought I could not have. (If you need to catch up on How we got here!, please go back and read it.)

So what am I so excited about that it drives tears into my eyes every time I think about it? 

It's been five years since those dreadful words changed my life: "It's the big C!"

It took a long time to accept that fact and it's consequences. It took me five years to heal from it. So today, I can proudly say that I am five years cancer-free, and that is something to celebrate!

I want to celebrate that Life and that Hope, that Love I received and those children I got, the special people that supported me on my journey and my relationship with my heavenly Father that got so strong through this experience.  I am praising God for all of it. He not only never left my side in those dark times but blessed me so abundantly in giving me the strength to go through this and come out on the other end as a renewed person. Hey, maybe one day, I will even become an optimist....

The walk to Beat the Clock in NYC 2010

Five years can be short but I feel that ALOT of things happened in those five years. The first year was full of anger and frustration, healing physically and emotionally, until that Hope would sink in and make life look a little bit better every day. It was a tough year of little social interactions, withdrawal, and loneliness. Once that anger turned into hope, I felt I can do things again. Life seemed manageable again.

My biggest supporter and me

And then we got blessed with New Hope through a family member that would carry our own baby (if you need to know how it works medically, here is a link) for us. That year was not always easy but oh so worth it. At the end, we recived a beautiful baby girl into our family.
During all this time, I had to have quarterly check-ups, which are always so nerve-wrecking. Even though I knew I was in good hands, that waiting with the uncertainty of hearing good or bad news was tough, and is to this day.

I did celebrate the half-time between that day one and now here. I love my team over there and was always worried that at five years, they would send me back to an regular OB-Gyn. Well, they don't and I really appreciate that. I mean, eventually, they might, and then I 'might' be ready for that, but for now, I am not. I am also part of a support group that I have attended now for those five years. I love the ladies there and I am so happy that I can share some of my hope with them. It has been a big part of my healing, too.
Of course, I have walked a few cancer walks, for my own cancer or others. It's an awful, creepy disease and I wish this on Nobody! So supporting researches makes me feel good, and I can show my support to my friends that are affected by it. 

Another Blessing

Fast forward four years, I find myself blessed again with another carrier to carry our third child. Wow. God has been so good to us! During that time, Beth and I did the Relay for Life for the second time and it was so meaningful for me - it goes with this post as well. At the end, I can only give glory to God for where I am today! (I wrote a post back in May that says it all.)

So five years have gone by, I was able to heal in so many ways. My family grew from three to five with the help of two very special ladies. And I have learned to be a fighter. Life is worth fighting for! It's worth living it every minute, and it's so beneficial to enjoy what we have, even if it is not always our plan, but God's. I am happy where I am today. So that is what I am celebrating my life changed forever due to God's plan.

I am not sure how my day will look like, but I want it to be special. 

I might not do school that day, or do a special session on 'counting our blessings'.

I want to celebrate with a birthday cake, and a candle on it... (it will be nice to see a one digit-number on MY cake once again - haha) 

I want champagne.... (this one might not happen though....)

And I want my family and friends around me!

And I want to thank God all day - whenever I think about it - for how blessed I am!

Thank you for being here and reading, thank you for praying and thank you for encouraging me when I felt I couldn't handle this anymore. Please stay and keep reading - I am certain that God is not done with me yet.

I just have to share my joy

When I think about how blessed I am, it strikes a bone inside of me that is so filled with thankfulness, to the point that it feels like I am bursting with happiness.

My life has not always been easy, and as a more negative person, I can easily fall into the pattern of "why me?" all the time. But lately, I have to say, that it has been big 'payback' time for me. God has been so good to me and my family. It really is mind-blowing.

I feel like God has provided a real home for us. I don't mean just a roof over our heads. I mean a home where we feel right. A place where we have friends and feel loved. It's a feeling of building a life together at the right location. Somewhere where God lead us six years ago, and we never regretted coming here.
Our family has been enjoying coming here to visit us. We are missed in church when we don't go one weekend.  And I have made a real friend for a lifetime that has become more like a sister to me through this last pregnancy. I am amazed by the love we receive from so many sources, and the support we had especially the last nine months. God has redeemed so many things. He has heard our prayers and made things happen, He has delivered surprises, and He has blessed us with peace over anything that concerned us.

I just have to look into Coqui's face to be reminded that he is my first miracle. Then I look at his sister who sits next to me on the couch sucking at her big toe (yes, I know, pretty gross!!!). But she is  my second miracle, when all my hope had vanished. Then I look down on my youngest who just smiled in her sleep, and I just want to kiss her all over. She is my latest miracle and I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

Sometimes, I have gotten mad at the way our children had to come into this family - especially when I think about the financial part of it (grrrh!). But now that it is over, I am thankful that God provided constantly and faithfully. I appreciate that my husband has a study job and that we have family that is willing to help out any way they can. We are very fortunate. And I know it.

I am equally amazed by the support we have gotten from the people around us. I know that we were and are covered by prayer each and every day! That is pretty awesome, especially when I don't get to do my daily quiet time anymore. Everything that Beth and I got to do special during the pregnancy was possible because our friends had stepped up and watched our kids, so we could go to a doctor's appointment by ourselves, or simply go out to eat ice cream. Thank you. We had two very special ladies throwing us a baby shower and we were so blessed by it. Friends have checked on Beth and on me, to make sure that we are doing fine. And we are. We both had friends providing meals for us, and that is wonderful. I never had the honor to be granted with meals ever before, and now that I did, wow - it feels really good to have people care about me so much. Thank you, all of you, who came out here and provided food and other goodies. We feel very blessed.

Yes, there have been bumps in the road, hard days and moments of desperation or anger, grieve or sadness. But I always come back to this: my happiness is still there, no matter the circumstances. I don't want to change places with anybody. I am truly happy. So when I am cooped up in the house for a few weeks and my social life is very downsized, I am more than willing to give that sacrifice. She needs protection and I am providing it for her. I am thankful for the friends that have come by, so I could spend some adult time, too. Beth has been so supportive, helping me through my emotional days, offered an open ear over the phone, and has stopped by with coffee or snacks. We cried together and then laughed and just enjoyed what this new season has brought us. And we are looking forward to what else is coming our way.

I just wanted to share my happiness and my thanks with you. I feel very blessed.

And now I go change a stinky diaper! Because I am blessed with a girl that only has one a day!

Finally A Family Of Five!

I have been lazy about blogging lately.... or have I?

Well, not necessarily! The end of pregnancy can be hard and so it was natural for me to take care of my wonderful best friend Beth who was carrying my baby. Yes, you read it right: 'was'.
(And if you read this and can't figure out what I am talking about, you need to go back and read this post here to catch up what's been happening in my life in the last nine months.)

So without further ado: we would like to introduce our baby to everyone.

Oh where am I suppose to start? It was a beautiful birth experience that we shared together as best friends. God really had His hands all over this entire process, but we felt it most for our birth, and it was great to see so many prayers answered for us, from the perfect timing to the way it happened. The birth took place at a local birthing center, it was a water birth and our baby was born right into my arms. And I will stop right here, because it is not my place to share OUR birth story - we will do this TOGETHER at a different time.

What I will tell you is this: it was such a special moment shared together - I will forever be grateful for this experience. I was the first person to get a hand on that baby -well, technically, the second after the midwife.
A BABY GIRL was born right into my arms and I held her for the first day of her life pretty much nonstop. It was so awesome and it felt so right and good to bond from the very first second on.

She is perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes. One beautiful face. She smells oh so good. She is very strong and alert. She is also my smallest baby. She is my calmest baby. Even though she has her days and nights mixed up. But I love her so much that that doesn't matter. We bonded so nicely and strongly - it makes my heart all melt. She loves to sleep on top of me, with her cheeks glued to mine. She doesn't like bath or lotions or massages - so I am predicting that we got ourselves a tomboy. She is a wish come true, a blessing, and so precious to us. We love her so much.

Beth is doing great as well and you can read her thoughts here.
One particular moment stands out to me during the birth: it was when the baby was born, to see the joy on Beth's face! It was such a genuine joy.... it's hard to put it into words. But I felt so happy and so close to her at that specific moment. We were both out of breathe and both exhausted, yet so euphoric. We had done it, together and I felt so blessed at that moment. Blessed that I was able to be there, blessed to have a friend like her, blessed to have that baby in my hands at last. God has been good to both of us.

As a family, we are very happy. The transition has been going great, too. Her brother and sister were convinced that they would get a brother, so at first, they were pretty upset. But by the time we came home, Munchkin was welcomed with signs and drawings and hugs and kisses. To this day, both kids love to come over and give her a kiss. They like to help as well, holding the bottle or throwing out dirty diapers. At times, I feel a bit claustrophobic when I got three kids right on top of me, but then I just look at their faces and feel like I am the happiest and most blessed person in the world.

Beth and I had become very close during our shared pregnancy, and I think we both didn't know what would happen afterwards. So I really love to see that it has not changed since the birth. We are close as can be, sharing our postpartum experiences with each other, cry together, encourage each other, and laugh together. As partners, we had joined in for a shared pregnancy, and as partners, we have had a wonderful birth experience. We met each others needs and wants, granted wishes and shared so many special moments. I am very thankful for this experience.

And at this time of joy, I also want to remember someone else special in our lives: Heather. She has given us our first blessing, and we are so thankful for that. What both these women did for us as a family will never be forgotten. I mean, how could we? We are seeing these miracles each and every day! We are a family of five today because there are still people in this world who sacrifice for the benefit of somebody else. They have given me hope and shown me love, a Christ-like love, that feels so good.
Thank you, Heather and Beth. You both are special women and we love you both so much.

So you can see that I have NOT been lazy at lately, just been really busy taking care of a newborn, adjusting to life with her, and helping the two older children adapt as well, and just being happy. I think I can say that I have my hands full. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes and congrats - it's very appreciated and makes us feel so loved by you.

National Cancer Survivor Day

In late 2008, I wrote down my cancer story..... I would not write it like that today, but back then, I did and you can read it again here.

Apparently, yesterday, June 3rd, was the 25th National Cancer Survivor Day. I had never heard of it but nonetheless, I feel like it's a day to celebrate. So many things that come with this disease.

Survival. Life. Hope. Victory. Strength. Perseverance. Love. Support. Faith. Family. Honesty. Advocacy. Fighting. Determination. Purpose. Confidence. Forgiveness. Prayer. Adaptability. Resilience. Compassion. Knowledge.

So to anyone who is out there and who survived - happy Survivor Day to you.

I am celebrating 4 years, 7 months, and 5 days (more or less). Doesn't sound like much? I can tell you, walking it every day, it has been a journey that felt at times like years. Much has happened since that fateful day of my diagnosis. MANY good things. Healing, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can truly say that I walked through some major personal growth. And I like what I see in the mirror today. And at last the two beautiful children that I didn't think I could have after the cancer-resulting infertility. That is alot for five years!

This cancer did not get the best of me, but it gave me the best things in life, things that I truly appreciate! It gave me a husband that walked with me every step of the way, right by my side. It gave me hope and encouragement. It gave me a best friend. It gave me a family of five. And it gave me the comfort of never having to be alone ever! Besides my family and friends, I've got many sisters-in-crime..... that know and understand where I have been, and that I CAN support today, feeling their pain because I was there once and I am a witness that God can turn it all around.

Simplicity

The other day, I was thinking about ALL the things that I am thankful for and that enrich my life so tremendously.  There are moments when I try to wrap my head around it all and I feel like I can't because it is so overwhelming.

Then I asked myself if I am happy? And what makes me so happy? What is happiness anyways?

Now, the world teaches us to look at those material things that are suppose to determine how happy we are. And sometimes, I have to admit, it is hard NOT to compare and see all the things that I don't have. Not driving the newest car, or having the latest phone model.  And hey, I haven't bought a pair of new shoes for myself in almost two years! Wall unit? My last two children ARE my wall unit and everything else that we don't have in our house! It's all about priorities, right?

Well, the bible tells us to be happy with whatever God has blessed us - as written in Hebrews 13:5:
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." 

I can tell that you are thinking the same thing as I do.... "yeah, right? How is that working for you?"

It doesn't always work. Sometimes it is hard to accept life's circumstances - especially when you are dealing with a serious illness - that is not only scary but also cost alot of money, yearly. God's will can be so hard to accept, even when He promises that we'll learn something from that situation. It is tough to see through our troubles when we are in the middle of that storm.  It is frustrating to see other people get whatever they want, whenever they want, and we can't! We have to save for things, or just simply have to say No.

So when I was sitting on that bench during soccer training, and pondered why it is that, sometimes, people that have so much less than what we have, seem so much happier. How could it be? Is it true that when you have less, you worry less about loosing it all?  Does having less stuff mean you have less of a burden, less greed,  and more appreciation and happiness?

I know that I DO care less about money, and more about memories! Material things can be lost, what is in my heart can not be taken away. I rather have my memories than accumulating unnecessary things in my house.  I can appreciate every minute I spend with the family. I love to hang out with my friends and have a good time. My church family is awesome and I enjoy to fellowship with them any time.....


Soccer is not a very American sport, so naturally, there are alot of other nations on that soccer field, Hispanic mostly, some African countries as well..... and then that half-German son of mine. These people come together to play a fun game (no, I am still NOT a soccer mom!). They seem happy and free when they run over that field. Almost careless.

So what we can learn from the Hispanic family situation, for example?

Many times, they are a one-car-family. So when they leave the house, the entire family goes out together. Yes, together! As a family. I see it at the soccer practice, when the entire family shows up, including all the siblings and grandma.
Due to having much less money than the average American family, more than two generations live together under one roof. (Believe me, I see that in our neighborhood more than enough.)  So who needs a babysitter when grandma lives in the room next door?
And because they are spending so much time with each other, they don't need to make one day a week a family day with family dinners - it happens automatically. Yes, they eat together every single day.
Also, when it comes to monetary things, they help each other out. They stick together!

Now why would I know so much about all that? Well, my husband is Hispanic, and they don't live much different than most European citizens. I grew up this way! First, we had no car at all, then we became a one-car-family for ALL my childhood until I bought my very own car with 24. And now, my parents still only have one car. We ate together as a family every breakfast and every dinner - yes, there were exceptions, but they were not the norm. My parents helped me out many times with money or other things, when I needed it. They would still do it.

So is less truly better? Do you have an answer? Would you like to share? I would love to hear from you....

Ecclesiastes 7:14
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

Metamorphosis

Things are changing. Slowly, but nonetheless, it keeps pressing forward. It's like a train that started out slowly and now runs at full speed. If I wanted to stop it, it would take some major effort to do so....

So I am on that train! I am running with it straightforwardly. No stopping now. 

Change is about to happen. 

And you know what, I am excited about that. It's good stuff, and God is right in the middle of it all. At times, it feels like a storm and I have to grab onto different straws to hold on. Other times, I feel like I am pounded on, like the potter hitting the clay. It hurts, physically and emotionally and spiritually. It's very intense. But one thing keeps me going: hope.

Hope for God turning things around for Good. Hope for many blessings that glorify God's mercy and grace. Hope for, yes, a better tomorrow and a changed ME.
Free of guilt, free of pain, free of fear, free of anger. God promises other things, and that is what gives me the strength to go through this trial now. God's hope, peace, and faith will help me to grow mentally, socially, and spiritually.

God is carrying me through this, He is the one that said that it's enough, finally! He has planned something better for my life and I should want it. Well, I do! And now I am working on getting it....

Though God is never leaving my side, I couldn't have come this far (and I am by far where I want to be!), without the many women around me, that support me, carry me at times, encourage me unceasingly, share their wisdom with me, show me kindness and mercy and grace, pray with me and over me and for me, believe in me and in what God is doing in me. I feel blessed by these women and I want to shout out a big Merci, Danke, and Gracias. I am very grateful that I have these individuals in my life. And it doesn't matter that I see some of them every week, and others only once a year. They still impact my life.

We ladies need friends - we simply can't make it without other women and their support!

My friends have been those straws that I talked about. I just grab onto one of them and ask them to hold me, to not let me fall! It's great to know that I can do that. It gives me the freedom to remain in a spot whilst a storm lasts, instead of falling back behind. I don't have to go back - these women sustain me, and encourage me, and when the storm is over, they can release me and I actually will be fine.

I know that a huge hole has been filled for me, when Beth stepped into my life as my best friend. She is the greatest blessing of all because she is the one that has been carrying me for the past few months the most.

BUT there are others! Others that can actually 'feel' my pain, that can 'understand' what I am thinking, and that can relate to it in giving me hope. Others help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Again others encourage me to soak into God like never before - to grieve with a purpose. Then there are the ones that supply me with prophetic words and / or pictures that are just so exhilarating and inspiring! And then there are the silent ones, that just freely give me a hug when they see that I would really need one. I am blessed with friends that have so many giftings - I am in awe at the creations that God has sent to walk alongside me, may it be for a season or for a lifetime.

ALL these beautiful ladies are such a blessing in my life and I don't know what I would do without all of them! I thank God for them, and I pray that they equally feel the blessings of so much love and kindness. They are helping me through this time of transition and growth. It's intense. It's unraveling. And it's refreshing. Thank you, ladies, you truly make this endeavor a joyful ride.

What I want you to know is that your efforts are a good investment in me. I know that this undertaking is requiring some discipline and exercise on my behalf and I am willing to obey and to march forward into the direction that God is pointing. For His glory, for our victory. He has a plan for me and for YOU. Thank you. And may God bless YOU more abundantly.

Appreciating the blessings around me

It is easy to feel blessed when things are going well. It's not hard to praise God when the light is shining right in front of one's eyes. But God is our comforter in all circumstances, and He urges us to pray and praise Him in all those situations. I knew, while going through my tough days, He was walking right next to me.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)
I did pray and have trust, and I found comfort in knowing that my scars will be for His glory and that there is a purpose for me. Also, I finally gave up wanting to know why this had to happen, to me, and I found peace in God's presence, knowing that HE knows what is best for all of us.

My feelings-post had rendered me vulnerable to the public, BUT I would have never imagined to find support and comfort through it. So thanks to all of you that have brought me kind words, encouragements, and other blessings. I really appreciate them. I was blessed by all of you. It was a necessary scream that just had to come out, and now I feel like I can move on. God is helping me to heal and I think He is showing me who He wants me to be - carrying those scars as a tribute to His mercy and grace. My relationship with Him is much deeper and I am so thankful for that.

So things are going much better these days. Beth and I are both in a much better place, a place of closeness and trust, of honesty and servitude for one another. We talked about how we feel and what we each need, and we are both trying to honor that. Our commitment will ensure the well-being of all involved. It will make this a positive experience - after all, this is a testimony to celebrate.

We are now 17 1/2 weeks. Beth has a pretty little bump - she truly looks beautiful. She feels great and has enough energy to feel comfortable and be active. The baby is doing great; at five ounces and five inches, it is still quite small, but it has been very active inside of Beth. She feels lots of little flutters. I have been able to 'feel' the baby but not when it moved. So I am very excited and am trying to be patient for the coming of the day, when baby will give me 'high five' with a kick through the belly.
The kids are getting more and more excited, too. They have seen the pictures, have heard the heartbeat over and over, watch movies about babies on a website, and they have been saying 'hi' to the belly a few times. Peanut seems more interested in touching the belly now, which is awesome. I love to share that with my kids. So thank you Beth for allowing us to bond with the baby. 

Beth wrote a post yesterday - about how smooth we are sailing now. And I want to add to that post:

Dear Beth,
I am blessed by your friendship, blessed by the person you are, blessed by the gifts you are giving, and blessed by your willingness to share all this with us. Thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for each and every prayer. Thank you for taking such good care of our baby, for loving it and for praying for it. I appreciate all your sacrifices. Thank you for the privilege to partner with you in this extraordinary experience of a shared pregnancy. It's awesome and oh so exciting.
I love you.

New bedtime routine with lots of thanksgiving

Most of the time, I am the one putting the kids to bed. First Peanut, then Coqui. Peanut goes quick, her stories are not as long yet. Coqui's stories become longer and longer, and even though some nights I wish he could read them himself, I would really miss it if he would start tomorrow with it. So I am enjoying it for now. Actually, I really like bedtime and the closeness we have during that time. No schedule or agenda, where I need to rush the kids, but just relaxed time together to end the day. It's my favorite time of day. (Also because after they are in bed, I get to have some hubby-time, some time to blog or watch TV; time to be an adult.)

Well, some nights, it just had to asked for some help from the Hubby, so he would put Coqui to bed. Peanut just doesn't like anybody else but me. It's actually pretty exhausting. At least for each and every evening that I am in the house. Because when I am not at home, she is fine with Daddy putting her down.

Lately, Peanut has had the attitude that only I (me) was allowed to serve her! Now I do that once, or maybe twice, but when it happened over and over again, I had to put a stop to it. And while applying it during the day, I knew I needed to make a big change in the bedtime routine. So I told the Hubby that from now on, he is in charge of HER bedtime. There was much objection from her of course, at first, but now she seems to be okay with it.

So now, that I am spending real good time with Coqui alone, I wanted to incorporate a new routine into HIS bedtime, something that I am surprised we have not been doing regularly. Bedtime prayer! So now, every night after lights-out, he has me pray first, and then he prays. I love his attitude about it, too, because he doesn't ask for much, it's more being thankful. So tonight, he had this real cute prayer that I wanted to share:

"Dear Lord heavenly Father, thank you for this wonderful day. Thank you for the weather, for the rain and for the sunshine. Thank you for you, thank you for my Mami (I am being hugged at this moment!), and my Daddy, thank you for my sister, and for my Munchkin. Thank you for my grandma and grandpa - hey, Mami, I have two of those, right? (Yes, Coqui.) So Lord, thank you for both. I praise, praise, praise you, God. I love you, God. Thank you for friends, and playing at church (we went to our church this morning). Thank you for the food we eat, and thank you for my toys, thank you for my school books. I love you God. Watch over me at night. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for having me not cough so much today (his cough had been quite bad that we had to call of our field trip tomorrow). Thank you for taking it away. Can you just take away the whole cold that I don't sneeze so much anymore? make gone by tomorrow afternoon. I love you, oh Lord. Amen."

Yes, I know, his prayers are quite lengthy but I love them. I love that he puts those 'big' words in there and I love that he is so thankful. His heart is so tender and it melts my heart. But I guess I am a bit bias here. It's also funny that he gives God an 'ultimatum' - but I know that he is sick of being sick.... so I guess that's what it going through his mind when he ask to be healed. He will learn that things happen on God's timing not his, but for now, it's just too cute.

Hope you all have a good night. May God bless you.

In Good Times And In Bad Times

My pity-party is over, at least for now. I am thankful for that.

"I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD's mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn." (Psalms 142:1-3)

This journey is a true roller-coaster of emotions. I do prefer it when I am 'on top' of the world filled with thankfulness, rather than a dark place of negativity.....

I am glad that I can report this victory. Bi-polar has many faces, and this is one of them. I thought I had conquered it, but the enemy just knows when and where to get at us..... I know it was a pity-party, because I became self-centered in my own misery and stopped praying and became introverted, which is not my natural habit. I let the enemy take away my joy; the joy of my family, the miracle of having such a loving and caring community around me, the comfort of a loving God, and the excitement for the blessings that are to come my way.

There is so much to be thankful for, there is so much to look forward to! On the side of my blog, it says, 'count your blessings'! Well, I did not focus on that last week, and that is why I could stray away and get lulled into a dark world.

I had a very good talk with Beth, my best friend, who is also carrying my baby. She pointed this out to me: without women like Heather and her, I would NOT have any additional children at all. And even if it hurts tremendously that I can not 'feel' certain things, I am blessed to have these women in my life to give these precious gifts. They are not the ones that took away, God allowed that to happen; they are the ones that give back to me! Without asking something in return. So thank you, dear Beth, for putting my focus back into place!

With my focus on the beauty of this adventure, I reminded myself of something that I 'saw' one day during a prayer meeting. It's more like a parallel. When God brought His son into our world, He needed a womb to grow Jesus. He found a woman that had His favor, Mary. When I pray for my baby, often times I envision it inside the womb, how it turns and stretches inside it - it helps me to connect to the baby. Then I envisioned baby Jesus, swimming inside of Mary and how beautiful that picture is. Thinking about that (with Christmas approaching) I was taken aback by the similarity of the circumstances. I needed a womb to grow my babies, and God had found two extraordinary women that had His favor. I truly believe that in both cases, God 'tapped' them on the shoulder and said: "that's you! She needs your uterus to grow her babies." The amazing thing is that they both decided to obey. I heard Heather's story of how she felt like God telling her to do this, and Beth has shared 'her calling' with me as well. The miraculous thing about both times is that we had two embryos, and both took, first try! If you don't think God's hand is in this, I don't know.... I see it all over this endeavor.


Though, I am still trying to figure out why God had to take away, but it seems more 'bearable' this week. I want to focus on the positive things. Like the family that I have right here with me. Like the husband who loves me and cares for me and supports me. Like the best friend who is talking me through my hurts. Like the beauty of her growing belly. Like the joy and excitement this entire process brings for all involved. Like the love I feel from my church family. Like the comfort that God gives me when He tells me personally that He is always by my side, even in my darkest times. A God that wants to bless, not just me, but also the two women that followed His plan.

So I want to lift them up in my prayers for the sacrifices they endured in order to give us these little blessings that our family longed for for so long. I want to shout out a thank you of gratefulness to them. They are heroes in my eyes! I am so thankful that the God that took away also allowed to give back to our family. The God that hears my cries and the God that loves each and everyone of us. I am praying that He showers these women with many blessings.

I am praying for all of you! Mothers-in-waiting like me, for your healing; and for all the carriers that give something so precious, and for their protection. I am praying for peace for all of you. Thank you God.

"Father, I am so glad I can come to you and share all my burdens. I am so grateful for your mercy and faithfulness. Thank you that they never cease. Praise You Lord. AMEN."

A story of hope

I thought I'd share this story of "sister" - a story of hope, that sounds pretty much like my story.

Please read this article, it's not long, but it reflects alot of my own thoughts, especially the ones on grieving infertility and how it is brushed off by alot of people. But our God is an awesome God, and I was blessed once already by a wonderful woman that gave us the gift of a child that we wanted so desperately. And I am being blessed again by another wonderful woman to have a third child to welcome to our family soon.

Here is the article: "Human-factor-conceiving-after-cancer"

I am thankful that today's technology is so advanced for this being possible. And I am particularly thankful that I live in a country that allows surrogacy and gestational carriers - not like in Europe where it is still prohibited in some countries.

THANK YOU GOD!

Blessed Thanksgiving

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"  (1 John 3:1) 
Father, I pray that my life would be a living testimony of the fact that You have lavished Your love on me by making me Your child. Might everything I think, say and do today be shaped by this glorious fact. In Jesus' name. AMEN
 
So Thanksgiving is over and yet, I want to be thankful. Do I need a special day to be reminding to be thankful? No, I don't. I am thankful every single day.

I have so much to be thankful for, so I thought I mentioned it here:
I am thankful for:
- a God that has a never-ending love for me and that just blows me away
- a loving and carrying husband that walks by my side no matter what trials life has for us
- 5 wonderful children - 2 are already with out heavenly Father, 2 are right here with me now, and 1 is on it's way - they are ALL blessings to me!
- my parents who raised me
- the Hubby's family that took me in like their own daughter
- awesome friends that love us and that we enjoy spending time with
like on Thanksgiving Day:

Still, there is more. I am thankful for:
- Heather, the woman who carried our daughter - she gave up so much to help us make our wish come true, we will be forever thankful for what she did, and we love her and her family very much
- my best friend who replaced a big emptiness in my life - she is the person that I will call when I need advise, support or just simply girl-talk, I can not think of my life without her
- that same best friend that is carrying our last baby now - she followed God's calling and we are so thankful for her and her family
- for healthy children
- to be cancer-free and feeling great
- for all the material things we have like a house and cars and other things - they are not that important but make life easier and enjoyable.

The Lord has been good to us, to Him goes all the glory!

"Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." (1Chronicles 16:34)

Mercy and Grace

These last few weeks have been tiring, emotionally and physically. And I was once again reminded of how gracious and merciful our God is. When we struggle, He simply says: "Put your burdens on my shoulders, I will carry them for you." (Psalm 55:22) It is hard to do that. Sometimes that requires us to sacrifice. On many levels. It requires to trust Him fully. That also means giving up control. Because He is in control. It means to have faith, sometimes blind faith. And no matter what we have done or not done in our past, He loves us and wants to see us rejoicing. He is hurting when we are hurting.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." (I Peter 5:7)

A Christian walk is not easy. But so far, all I can say, no matter what 'battle' I had to fight, at the end, I am amazed at what God can do and how blessed I am.

He forgave me for so many things. ["Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." (Luke 15:7)]
And usually, I don't drag them around with me, just in the last few weeks, I was reminded of God's forgiveness. I can feel His love for me. To feel God's grace and mercy in my life is such a joy, and brings so much peace. A peace, I was told as a child, didn't exist. But today, my heart is filled with joy and peace. "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

He also teaches me to do all this to the people around me. I can see how I have changed over the last few months. How I have matured in my walk with Jesus, but also how I care about others. I know I can forgive. I know I can love and love unconditionally. I know I can pray and He answers me. I have a freedom to know that with God I can do anything.

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6)

I do feel I fought a battle, but it was with gladness. Part of being so tired is that overwhelming experience of comfort and contentment when the battle is over. Now I know that there will be more, but I will be ready because I have God on my side who will fight for me.

Psalms 5:11-12 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield.

Gratitude

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." (Psalm 107:1)

This goes along with one other post that I wrote a while ago: Count Your Blessings. I don't do it regularly, but I am aware of all the things that God has done for me and all that I have. And I do enjoy God's creations fairly often. And even though we don't thank Him for nature's beauty every single day, we can enjoy those all the time, year-round. We all have favorite seasons and favorite holidays, favorite weather or favorite days. Nonetheless, God made them all for us to simply enjoy them.

My devotional today asked me to name three things from God's creation and thank Him for them.

So here I go:
1.) God made the oceans.
I love the ocean, it's beauty, the sound of the waves, and the colors of the water (in nice waters like in the Caribbean). The ocean is one thing that I dearly miss from New Jersey where I could go to the beach any day I wanted to..... and I will never miss a visit without going to see the ocean, even in winter time.

2.) God made the sun.
The sun brings warmness, something you long for after a hard winter full or snow and ice. But sun also brings happiness. I love the sun and I love that there are so many sunny days in Texas. On a rainy day, I just get so depressed and passive and apathetic. When the sun comes out, I can feel the flow of energy returning to my body, I feel a smile on my face and it makes me wanna go to the beach. 

3.) God made the seasons, He made Spring.
My favorite season is Spring. It used to be Summer when I still lived in a region that had four seasons and the summer were really nice. (And my birthday is in summer.) But since living in Texas, I had to change my mind. Also because I think I grew older and wiser, maybe?
Spring brings freshness - I love that everything grows anew, everything is green outside. Spring stands for optimism and a new beginning. I love when the flowers start to spring, the bees and the birds are coming back, and their is a business in the air (after the long winter laziness) that is contagious.