God is all you need!

I did not want to be strong.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be vigorous, tough, and courageous.

Neither did I know how capable I really was.

Lately, I have had a few people come up to me and say things like "I admire your strength" or "I envy your faith" and even "You are an inspiration".

Believe me, when I think of myself, I do not see any of this! And yet, I have to admit, there is a certain strength inside of me that I never knew I had before - and may it merely be my survival mode. I am a fighter, and not a person to be known to give up (easily). I CAN endure.

Though as nice as these compliments are - and they do feel good - I can not take in the praise for something I did not do myself! It was only with God and through Him that I am where I am today. God only gives us what we can handle, even when we think we can't take it any longer. He knows better. And He rewards us when we follow His lead.

Am I really stronger? Or have I simply learned to lean on God - more? I think what is bigger is my faith, not my tenacity or perseverance. I KNOW I can rely on my Savior for anything. My world might get shaken up, but my Rock will be the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38), and He won't give me anything that I am not able to withstand.

God was my hope in my darkest times. He saved my life, and today, I can 'claim' to be a survivor. He helped me to turn my anger into faith, in Him. He healed me physically and emotionally. It was a long road, and I do expect to fall back once in a while, but I also know that I will bounce back to the truth, God's truth. I surrendered and entrusted my life back into His hands, and I am very comfortable with that.

So I guess God made me stronger. He transformed me into a confident woman that desires to bless others. I have more courage to follow my dreams. I dare to be bolder about my faith. I believe that I am a little wiser, at least in my knowledge to cherish each and every day and not to waste life with foolishness. And if I lose all of the above, I am certain that I will always have HOPE!

If YOU are at a point in your life where it seems that you can't go on, that there is not an ounce of strength left inside your body to carry on - stop! Stop, get down on your knees, surrender, and let God carry YOU! It is a wonderful experience. Once He has picked you up, it will bring you joy; the joy of sharing His glory, and be a testimony to others.

God can do so much for YOU. God loves you. He delivers you from your trouble and lifts you up. He is satisfying. He brings peace, hope, and happiness. It's pleasing to please Him and others. It fulfills and gives a purpose.
God is all you need.

My First Half-Marathon

As I am sitting here, trying to wrap my thoughts around the fact that I just finished my first half-marathon this morning, I have to admit that I am pretty whiped out. But I am definitely happy that I did it and it was for a good 'cause'. But let me start with the reason why I did this massive race today.

When we started talking about Beth carrying our baby last year, she had issues with her legs that afflicted her running. She had to stop and that was hard for her. Now, today, I DO believe that it was God trying to get her ready for a pregnancy where her focus would be more on growing a baby inside of her, and less on her running. I also believe that once the baby is done 'baking' and ready to enter the world, God will give her full healing, so she can go back to what she liked doing: running. So last year in January, she ran this half-marathon..... this year she is not able to do so.

So I made a 'deal' with her: on the day of our pregnancy test, I would sign up for that race, and either we run it together (in case of a negative test), or I would run it for her! Yep.... I thought of it as my (little) sacrifice of my body for what she is doing with her body right now..... We got a positive pregnancy test, so I had to run it by myself, for her. It's a great cause!

I knew I wanted two things to happen on race day: run the entire time, no matter how slow, and make it to the finish line. I did both!
So I ran the entire 13.1 miles from start to finish! No water breaks, no bath room breaks, no walking. I ran slow, NO, really slow! But I made it. I made it to the finish line at a decent time. Also, I like to convert it to kilometers, just because it sounds like so much more; so 13.1 miles are 21.08 kms - awesome! I am pretty proud of myself for accomplishing that today.

Now I said I ran it for her, right? So in advance, I made a sign that I was going to wear on my back on race day. I am sure you all know, when you do cancer runs and walks, there are always lots of pictures 'in honor of' or 'in memory of' someone. Well, I ran for a live person, I ran for my best friend because she couldn't do it because she is busy 'baking' a little blessing. Here is my sign:

I got lots of encouraging words throughout the run, words that blessed me and reminded me of why I was running and that I needed to keep going. "That is so awesome." or "That's cool." or "Congratulations." were most of  the reactions. One lady said that she "really liked my best friend" - well, I agree. Later in the race, I saw her again and she said: "That baby is going to be so proud of you." Well, I hope so. When I met Beth at the finish line, I told her about her and sure enough, we saw that lady again and I was able to introduce her to Beth. It was beautiful.

I had seen the route before, I knew that it was mostly downhill, and I knew that I could make it. What I didn't realize was that we ran along a lot of "icons" that play a big role in my life, and foremost that play a huge role in this entire process. The first building was our fertility center. When I saw that I started to choke up.... it took my breathe away and I realized that being 6 miles into the race, there was no room for crying. I had to stop and concentrate on NOT crying but running, or I would have fainted. Right next to that building is my oncology and I was silently thanking God for the people working inside that building. A little later, we ran past my favorite Vegan restaurant - for those that don't know, I became a Vegan after the cancer. Then we ran past the Hubby's university building and the local football stadium. It was a bit emotional at times. The best part was coming up the last hill and turning the corner to sprint to the finish line. Where Beth was waiting for me. It blessed me greatly that she agreed to come see me finish the race. Thank you.

Usually, when I run, I need some upbeat music, but I knew, for this particular race, I needed God right with me, so I played worship and praise music and it was a great comfort. Knowing that God designed my body to do this and knowing that He wanted me to run and finish this race today gave me strength and endurance. Beth had texted me the same bible verse that I saw on a sign that somebody was holding up on the sidelines during the race: Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." How true!

It was perfect timing, too.  We are 18 weeks pregnant today.

Also, I saw this race today as my "Labor and Delivery", a small token of my appreciation of what Beth will do in about 5+ months. I come a long way from being able to finish a 5K to this now! Also, or especially, as a cancer survivor! So, I consider the first ten miles as my 'labor'. I was barely aware of running the first five miles at all. It was easy to keep my pace and enjoyed the attention I got with my sign. Then it got just a tidbit harder, but I still enjoyed running. I had thought that the hardest mile would be Mile Nine, because it said that there was some uphill, but it wasn't. The hardest mile was ten - as it had been before in my practice run. I would call that mile my 'transition'. I started hurting just a bit, mostly on my left hip. Mile eleven and twelve were a piece of cake, seriously. We were really going downhill and I just ran as fast as I could, knowing I still had a bit to go. Miles 13 was my 'pushing', because it was really hard to get to the finish line. It went uphill again and I was just so tired, and hurt enough to want to stop running. Then there was a big uphill right before the finish line, I barely made it up. The thought of Beth waiting for me and God wanting me to finish this kept me going.... and I made it up really, really slowly! Turning that corner for the last 0.2 miles was like seeing the end of the tunnel. Baby's head is out, the rest of the body is 'easy'. So I sprinted to that line that would be the end of 'torture' and that made me real happy. I crossed it with a big smile on my face! "Baby was delivered and Mami happy.'
(My timing was much better than anticipated: 2 hours and 39 minutes.) and 2 seconds.)

It was hard and yet oh so worth it. Something that Beth anticipates with the birth of our child.Why am I even trying to compare the two? Well, for one, I can not do it myself - I mean the pregnancy and delivery - but I wanted to show my appreciation of what Beth is doing. Also, when she is in labor, she can not just stop and walk away, she has to finish it. Well, I wanted to treat my race the same way: I could not walk away or stop running, I had to finish it! It was worth every pain to be blessed with the encouragement of others and seeing Beth's face when she saw the sign at the finish line - it was priceless! This was for God's glory. He brought us together, brought us to this place, and has a plan for all of us! He deserves all my praise, especially today.


More pictures are right here - enjoy.

Ann right before crossing the finish line. (The time is the clock time, not MY chip time.)

Tired but happy.

My back.

Ann and Beth after the race, filled with drinks and food and happiness.

Added by the editor:

It felt more like a warm-up, but I thought this was way too funny not to share!

Walk To Beat The Clock

I did it! I walked to beat the clock. In New York City. Woo hoo.

Okay, now I can explain....

As some of you know, I am now a 2-year survivor of cervical cancer. To celebrate this occasion and to spread the word to beat that clock, I signed up to walk this year's race. And I did it! It is organized by Tamika & Friends, Inc., "a national non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness about cervical cancer and its link to HPV (human papillomavirus)". It was founded in 2005 by cervical cancer survivor and advocate Tamika Felder. She got alot of support from her family and friends - hence the name!

Her message is that "every hour a woman in the US is diagnosed with cervical cancer, a preventable and treatable disease. The proceeds from these Walks go back into Tamika and Friends, Inc. to support the various programs they have in place to help those living with cervical cancer and cervical cancer survivors. The Walks have proven to be a great way to raise awareness, provide education and to give cervical cancer patients, survivors and their loved ones, as well as those who have lost loved ones to cervical cancer, a sense of community and friendship."

Being blessed with very generous friends, I made it to the top three donation list. And with that, I had to go up on stage! For those of you who know me personally, I do not like attention drawn to me, so that was very awkward. The person who gives me the present is Tamika Felder, the founder of the organization. She is now a friend of mine and I love her boldness in going out there and just spread the word any way she can! I admire her for that.

The Hubby said that we will make this an annual event, so I am looking forward to do this again next year. I mean, who needs a reason to come to the city??? I don't! But there is now a good cause involved that makes it even better.
We had a great day in the city. Walking in the morning and going out for lunch. Yes, we did leave the baby and its big brother with the grandparents for a few hours - dinner was just not going to happen this year! So maybe next year, we can make it a true full day in the city - just like our first date!!! (I haven't written about that yet, maybe I will do that in the near future!)

How we got here...

How many people do take their health for granted?

I did when I grew up. I mean, for my adolescence, it is more a question of what I did NOT do, in all legal boundaries of course. So I went on roller coasters. I drank water from the river. I ate sand out of the sandbox. I did not always wash my hands, even though my parents told me so. I swam in dirty oceans and lakes. I sunbathed out in the sun, sometimes for hours. I stayed up all night. I did not go to annual check-ups, thinking who needs a doctor when you are not sick!


I thought, I was young and in-destroyable.
Then life changed forever in the fateful month of September in 2007, when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

It showed up at a check-up at the OB-Gyn. I had gone in for an annual pap test and kind of to get the okay of the doctor to try for baby number two. Well, that didn't happen!
I had had some symptoms, that I put in the category of some kind of imbalance within my body. Maybe some infection, maybe something more serious like a cyst or abnormalities of my body after a pregnancy. Never in a million years was I prepared for what was coming my way!

At first, they thought that I had a polyp maybe.... not so bad, the nurse told me! It can be removed in a simple outpatient surgery. Then two days later, I got a call from the doctor with the results from the pap test: well, it was not a polyp! It looked like cancerous cells. I got a little uneasy on the phone, yet the voice did not sound alarming. Still, she sent me to the oncology....

After going there and another week of waiting, we went back to the oncology and heard the dreadful news, we were not prepared to hear and that no-one ever wants to hear.

"You have cancer."

Cancer is staged from One to Four, with Four being the worst. My stage was 1bI. That in itself was a blessing because early detection is important when it comes to the big 'C'. But hearing a diagnosis like this at the age of 32 is not really what one would expect. So we were quite shocked. In one way, it was good that we did not have alot of time to think about it too much. Everything went so fast. It was 'only' an early stage, but we were told that it was a very fast growing cancer, so we should do something about it quick! I mean, I just gave birth barely a year before, and had a pap test done in November that year and it came back negative. So obviously then, there was nothing there. Nine months later, bam.....

We were talking a long time to my oncologist, trying to figure out what to do. According to her, fertility treatment was not an option because the cancer had grown so fast in only nine months, and she was afraid that the hormones, one has to take during the fertility treatment, would make the cancer explode. So far, they hoped, it was only in the tumor and hadn't spread too far yet - which they didn't know yet. This was to be seen during the operation.

So only two weeks after the horrible diagnosis, and a second opinion that didn't change anything, I went under the knife to have a radical hysterectomy. It was the scariest thing I had ever to face in my life. That morning, I was just a machine getting dressed to make it to the hospital. I was numbed by fear, and also by anger. It was suppose to be a few hours. They had to open me up, see how far the cancer had spread, see which organs were affected, and see what they had to remove. Our biggest fear was that they had to remove EVERYTHING, meaning, uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc...... which would have made me completely infertile and also would have put me into early menopause. The surgery took about six hours. During which the Hubby had to wait in the waiting area among tons of other people waiting. I can not imagine the atmosphere there. At last, they came out to tell him that I made it through the surgery and I was in recovery.

Recovery.

When I was scared before the surgery, at least I didn't know what to expect, besides my general knowledge of hating needles. But when I was waking up from the surgery, I was so numb, again. Not numb from fear or anger, numb all over my body. I could barely turn my head left to right. For a moment, I didn't even know where I was. My mouth was so dry and the first thing I remember is the nurse offering ice chips. Ice chips, really? I took them anyways.

Then an angel appeared over me. I felt her presence even with my eyes closed. Then I heard her voice, telling me the best news I received that day. I was cancer-free, alive, and still had my ovaries!
I wanted to hug her, jump up and down, and tell her how much I loved her. But my body was not cooperating! (wonder why?) I could only smile. Probably the biggest smile possible with still all these drugs inside of me. Then I grabbed her hand. I did not want her to go. I wanted her to stay! Her presence felt so calming and comforting. It gave me peace and hope all at the same time. She had to go, but told me that she only lived a few minutes away, so if I needed her, she would be back.
That angel was my oncologist.

So needless to say, I made it out of recovery after about two hours. I made it to my room where I finally could see the hubby. We cried when we saw each other, and then we just sat. I was still so groggy, so sleepy, so painfully surrendered to this bed and to the circumstances. I just wanted to make it to the next day. He couldn't stay overnight, but left as late as possible. After all, our son needed him at home.

After four dreadful days in the hospital, I was finally released. I could go home...... but then being home, it had changed. Destiny had changed our house forever, and it was hard sometimes being in a house that was the same, but my inside felt so uncertain, so shaken to the core. The pain was agony on some days, on others it was bearable. When they said six weeks recovery at least, they were not kidding!

Those days in my bed were so lonely. Not a day passed without tearing up at some point. I was angry. I was hopeless. The only thing that gave me hope was my son. He needed me. He wanted me to take care of him. So I needed to get better for him.  Six weeks was a long time, but we made it through. Mema was a huge support during those days, not only in taking care of my thirteen months old, but also in talking to me and encouraging me. I started to heal.

I have to thank God for that early detection, because I did not have to go through radiation, or chemo therapy! And I have to thank God for giving me the doctor her gave me, and for protecting my ovaries.  If I had to do it over, I wish I've had more friends surrounding me. Friends that I could pour my heart out to. I did this to the hubby.... who was so exhausting from taking care of me, and then I still wanted him to deal with my anger.... I think, I expected too much of him at times.

Yet, I have to say that among the news of  “cancer”, the worst news were the resulting “infertility”! Biologically, I cannot become pregnant ever again. And that was quite devastating, and still is. But I still had my ovaries. Now, a year later, I can truly say that there is hope....

Keep reading why.....