Lent - A Time of Reflection, Repentance, and Renewal

The time flies, but I am sure that I am not telling you anything new. I can't belive that Easter is only 40 days away - can you? Spring has not sprung over here, so it is hard to believe that it is suppose to be around the corner.

That being said, today is the day that lent started. I have never done this time of reflection and repentance before, but I thought this would be a good year to start this tradition. And I wanted to include the kids in this, at least my two oldest.

What I read about this special time is that it is a reflective time of repentance and renewal. A time of examining ourselves and to make that conscious decision to turn away from things that are not glorifying God in any way. The suggestions go from adding something that pleases God, to removing something that distracts from God, or even takes His place. This is a time to grow in our relationship with Jesus.

For myself, I decided to add a daily devotional time and a prayer for a person that I felt I needed to pray for. I have not been very consistent with my devotionals over the past year and a half, and I feel the need to bring that good habit back into my life. After all, when I do spend special time with God and in His word, I feel so much better. So I recommit my life to more prayer.

The idea of removing something distracting was a bit harder. Finally, I decided to stay away from cheating. I am sure you are shocked now, but yes, I cheat. I dislike to claim that I am Vegan when fish is part of my diet, but unfortunately, lately, I have also had alot of dairy intake. And I felt convicted to change that. So no more cheese or ice cream for the next 40 days. Of course, I am doing that with the hope to slip back into the habit of being a full Vegan once again. 

My kids decided to stay away from candy and snacks - which I think at their age, is very appropriate, AND it was alone their choice. Coqui will do a 40 day devotional on his own. I hope that will lead to some great discussions between the two of us. Of course, we will include some of the bible stories involving Easter and the time before and after, in our school schedule.

What I want for them to take away from this experience is the feeling of grace and forgiveness. I want them to understand that we are all sinners and that we all need our loving God to forgive us, to show us mercy and grace. Eventually, I want to introduce them to the idea of salvation. (Romans 5:19 "For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.")

I am looking forward to the special time with God and with my children. I am praying for many blessings for us and for others that we are praying for. I am praying for further healing for myself and for a life that is filled with love rather than war. I want to commit my life to loving others, spreading the good news, and to being a light in this world. 

How about you, are you following the tradition of lent? What are you doing? 

Finally, here is a Prayer for the time of Lent:
Psalm 51:3-17 (NIV)

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

God is all you need!

I did not want to be strong.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be vigorous, tough, and courageous.

Neither did I know how capable I really was.

Lately, I have had a few people come up to me and say things like "I admire your strength" or "I envy your faith" and even "You are an inspiration".

Believe me, when I think of myself, I do not see any of this! And yet, I have to admit, there is a certain strength inside of me that I never knew I had before - and may it merely be my survival mode. I am a fighter, and not a person to be known to give up (easily). I CAN endure.

Though as nice as these compliments are - and they do feel good - I can not take in the praise for something I did not do myself! It was only with God and through Him that I am where I am today. God only gives us what we can handle, even when we think we can't take it any longer. He knows better. And He rewards us when we follow His lead.

Am I really stronger? Or have I simply learned to lean on God - more? I think what is bigger is my faith, not my tenacity or perseverance. I KNOW I can rely on my Savior for anything. My world might get shaken up, but my Rock will be the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38), and He won't give me anything that I am not able to withstand.

God was my hope in my darkest times. He saved my life, and today, I can 'claim' to be a survivor. He helped me to turn my anger into faith, in Him. He healed me physically and emotionally. It was a long road, and I do expect to fall back once in a while, but I also know that I will bounce back to the truth, God's truth. I surrendered and entrusted my life back into His hands, and I am very comfortable with that.

So I guess God made me stronger. He transformed me into a confident woman that desires to bless others. I have more courage to follow my dreams. I dare to be bolder about my faith. I believe that I am a little wiser, at least in my knowledge to cherish each and every day and not to waste life with foolishness. And if I lose all of the above, I am certain that I will always have HOPE!

If YOU are at a point in your life where it seems that you can't go on, that there is not an ounce of strength left inside your body to carry on - stop! Stop, get down on your knees, surrender, and let God carry YOU! It is a wonderful experience. Once He has picked you up, it will bring you joy; the joy of sharing His glory, and be a testimony to others.

God can do so much for YOU. God loves you. He delivers you from your trouble and lifts you up. He is satisfying. He brings peace, hope, and happiness. It's pleasing to please Him and others. It fulfills and gives a purpose.
God is all you need.

Hurt and Healing

A cut.

Hurts.

A lot.

Here I am. Still shook up and not quite as steady on my feet as I want to be (but sure try to look like!).

Hurt is 'funny' in the way that it makes us withdraw from the outer world when our inside wants to explode.....

Loosing something or someone that meant alot to us is hard. Love just doesn't stop overnight.

Grieve has to happen and it should happen. So take your time.

Walk through each step as they are described in four phases by C.M. Parkes in Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life:

1. Numbness with denial, distress, and anger
2. Yearning for that which is lost
3. Disorganization with despair
4. Reorganization

I had to grieve so many times already, one should think I am an expert by now. But when tragedy strikes, especially unexpectedly, we are never prepared and the blow usually hits one way or another, hard or soft.

We fall. We scream. We imagine. We feel guilty. Our faith shakes. And we wonder if we will ever be happy again.

But we will get back up. We do stop crying. We hope for a better future. Guilt subsides. And happiness returns as well. 

A strong faith will make it possible to go through life's hardships, unshaken. Though at that very moment, we want to be everything else but strong.
(At least, I feel that way.)

How to get back up?

With God all things are possible. Where God is, there is hope. We need to believe that whatever happened did so with God's permission. And we need to trust God that He knows what is best for us. Do not doubt Him. Read His word to stay connected, when no other word comforts. He keeps His promises, always.

So I am back! Step Five: Accepted and pushed to the 'past' file. A new chapter started and I am ready for whatever God has for me and my family. I am feeling blessed with what I have. 

"As for God, His way is perfect... He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him." 2 Samuel 22:31 (NIV)

Hope and Encouragement

In the beginning of the year, I got two verses that really spoke to me and that I am holding on. They have become my mantra, if you want to call it that.

Jeremiah 29: 11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and Romans 12:2 - Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Going through my transformation, I am holding on to Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - especially on days when things seem way too dark and hard and discouraging. 

The verse and the picture goes so well with my new favorite song by Sanctus Real called 'Promises'. If you would like to hear it, here is a link to the youtube video. I AM holding onto the promises God has made. They are sometimes the air I breathe.....


The other day, a package arrived in our house. And when the Hubby came home, he told me that it was for me. It was not my birthday, Valentine's is long over, and mother's day is not here yet for another month, so why am I getting a gift? Well, it was a big surprise - it was this:

I might seem a bit needy when I say that I NEED encouragement, but I do! And this was such a nice surprise. The plate is just beautiful. I love it. Now I have to find a place where to display it.

All the books that I am reading are great and they have become my daily companions to help me, show me and teach me. God is my constant comforter and I am clinging to His promises as my life line. But there is nothing like a hug or a word spoken in person......

I am so blessed to have a husband that let's me lean on him and that supplies me with an abundant amount of hugs and kisses. I can talk to him and he comforts me. He gives me hope, too.

Future Plans

Today, I was thinking that sometimes I forget that I am a cancer survivor. I mean only for a second or so. I know that others experienced this before, too. So I am not alone. Like when I think about the future, my dreams and my expectations. There are so many things that I still want to do. So many places that I want to see. I am a stay-at-home mother and I am loving it. But I also know that one day, I want to go back to work. What that might be, I don't know yet - there are so many choices!
And that is one thing to LOVE about America: nobody laughs at you when you decide to change carriers with 40!!! They encourage you and cheer you on! I love it. I love photography, but I am not sure if I want to have my own business. I love teaching, so I could easily imagine to teach somewhere (besides my own children). I can also imagine to work in a family business. Then I came up with this: after going through the cancer experience, one has the feeling to want to help others that are going through that same (or a similar) experience. I can NOT see blood, I will faint. So I can't be a nurse. But I could do a one-year training to be an ultrasound technician! Yeah. So I just have to figure things out for myself.
Helping others is top on my list. So being a volunteer is one thing that I actually enjoy. I want through a training and feel quite confident to be able to help someone. Currently, I am just doing one-on-one matches, mostly over the phone. It comes being a mom of small children that I can't just leave and go off. But in the near future, I want to go to hospitals and oncology centers. In my support group, I can drive people to and fro, when they are not feeling well enough to drive themselves. It is the small things that count. Maybe I can help someone else to dream again and see the light at the tunnel......
But when I thought about all those plans today, I was thinking that I am glad that I am making plans! Because three years ago, round about this time exactly, I was not thinking of making any plans...... so I wanted to share with you HOW blessed I felt today. For being able to still dream, expect and hope!

New Hope

Today I want to talk about why there is new hope.

Not that there weren't any in between, but it was sad and frustrating at times. We know that God was always near us, but it didn't feel like it at times. So in August 2008, we came to New Jersey to celebrate my son's, Coqui, 2nd birthday with the entire family. Also every year - I mean there were only two so far - I write a letter to family and friends to update everyone about what is going on in Coqui's life. The first year's letter was full of all the firsts a newborn goes through. Last year's letter was like that, too. Unfortunately, we had to add the cancer story as well.
And as sad as we were, we always had some hope, and faith, I guess. In writing this letter, I think I got a message from God. As I know I couldn't have come up with that much faith and knowledge on my own. Somehow I knew that there will be a person sent by God to help us. I didn't know in which way, nor when it would happen.
So I sent the letter out, and got a couple of responses. Until one day..... that miracle that we had hoped for was about to become reality.... I mean, I remember our old Pastor saying once: "If you need a miracle, expect a miracle." And within a month of receiving this message, I got finally pregnant with Coqui. But I also know that it doesn't always work.... does it? well, the God I know works wonders and miracles, so.....

So back to this new hope miracle. My mother-in-law received a phone call from someone from the family. And when she told me afterwards what that person had proposed to us, I was absolutely in shock. She was willing to carry our baby for us..... WOW.
I hadn't expected that, especially that fast.... but my.... I didn't know what to say or what to think....

After the first contact was made - not that we didn't know each other, but it was very different circumstances this time - we sat down and talked for a loooong time. It was like so surreal... it was exciting and scary at the same time. But most of all, we felt soooo thankful for the Lord's answer to prayers. Because without Him, we wouldn't be where we are now...

Oh Lord, you always provide. You are so awesome! Even when we encounter life's trials, you never stop loving us - but we forget.... I am asking you to forgive me for ever doubting you. Because we should know that you only put us through trials we can handle... and those trials are there to show us the wonders of your hands. It is amazing that a cancer story turned out to be a blessing for two families - none of them could have ever expected to experience. We are so thankful for His work. Lord, I am in awe of you....

Amen.