God is all you need!

I did not want to be strong.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be vigorous, tough, and courageous.

Neither did I know how capable I really was.

Lately, I have had a few people come up to me and say things like "I admire your strength" or "I envy your faith" and even "You are an inspiration".

Believe me, when I think of myself, I do not see any of this! And yet, I have to admit, there is a certain strength inside of me that I never knew I had before - and may it merely be my survival mode. I am a fighter, and not a person to be known to give up (easily). I CAN endure.

Though as nice as these compliments are - and they do feel good - I can not take in the praise for something I did not do myself! It was only with God and through Him that I am where I am today. God only gives us what we can handle, even when we think we can't take it any longer. He knows better. And He rewards us when we follow His lead.

Am I really stronger? Or have I simply learned to lean on God - more? I think what is bigger is my faith, not my tenacity or perseverance. I KNOW I can rely on my Savior for anything. My world might get shaken up, but my Rock will be the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38), and He won't give me anything that I am not able to withstand.

God was my hope in my darkest times. He saved my life, and today, I can 'claim' to be a survivor. He helped me to turn my anger into faith, in Him. He healed me physically and emotionally. It was a long road, and I do expect to fall back once in a while, but I also know that I will bounce back to the truth, God's truth. I surrendered and entrusted my life back into His hands, and I am very comfortable with that.

So I guess God made me stronger. He transformed me into a confident woman that desires to bless others. I have more courage to follow my dreams. I dare to be bolder about my faith. I believe that I am a little wiser, at least in my knowledge to cherish each and every day and not to waste life with foolishness. And if I lose all of the above, I am certain that I will always have HOPE!

If YOU are at a point in your life where it seems that you can't go on, that there is not an ounce of strength left inside your body to carry on - stop! Stop, get down on your knees, surrender, and let God carry YOU! It is a wonderful experience. Once He has picked you up, it will bring you joy; the joy of sharing His glory, and be a testimony to others.

God can do so much for YOU. God loves you. He delivers you from your trouble and lifts you up. He is satisfying. He brings peace, hope, and happiness. It's pleasing to please Him and others. It fulfills and gives a purpose.
God is all you need.

Short Review

In case you wonder what I will do today, I will be celebrating this:

0 = cancer

1 = God

2 = miracles along the way

3 = children in total

4 = doctors that changed my life forever

5 = years of being cancer-free!

Celebrating today with my loved ones! Yeah.

Something to celebrate

I started this blog in order to spread the good news of 

.

And next week, I get to celebrate that hope big time. (and no, it's not my birthday!)

What is hope? I am talking about that feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I expected God to fight my fight for me because I knew I was too weak to fight it myself. I expected Him to be there for me. I expected Him to guide me by His hand to a better tomorrow. And that totally happened. I have been blessed with life, love, hope, and faith. I have been blessed with family, friends, and children that I thought I could not have. (If you need to catch up on How we got here!, please go back and read it.)

So what am I so excited about that it drives tears into my eyes every time I think about it? 

It's been five years since those dreadful words changed my life: "It's the big C!"

It took a long time to accept that fact and it's consequences. It took me five years to heal from it. So today, I can proudly say that I am five years cancer-free, and that is something to celebrate!

I want to celebrate that Life and that Hope, that Love I received and those children I got, the special people that supported me on my journey and my relationship with my heavenly Father that got so strong through this experience.  I am praising God for all of it. He not only never left my side in those dark times but blessed me so abundantly in giving me the strength to go through this and come out on the other end as a renewed person. Hey, maybe one day, I will even become an optimist....

The walk to Beat the Clock in NYC 2010

Five years can be short but I feel that ALOT of things happened in those five years. The first year was full of anger and frustration, healing physically and emotionally, until that Hope would sink in and make life look a little bit better every day. It was a tough year of little social interactions, withdrawal, and loneliness. Once that anger turned into hope, I felt I can do things again. Life seemed manageable again.

My biggest supporter and me

And then we got blessed with New Hope through a family member that would carry our own baby (if you need to know how it works medically, here is a link) for us. That year was not always easy but oh so worth it. At the end, we recived a beautiful baby girl into our family.
During all this time, I had to have quarterly check-ups, which are always so nerve-wrecking. Even though I knew I was in good hands, that waiting with the uncertainty of hearing good or bad news was tough, and is to this day.

I did celebrate the half-time between that day one and now here. I love my team over there and was always worried that at five years, they would send me back to an regular OB-Gyn. Well, they don't and I really appreciate that. I mean, eventually, they might, and then I 'might' be ready for that, but for now, I am not. I am also part of a support group that I have attended now for those five years. I love the ladies there and I am so happy that I can share some of my hope with them. It has been a big part of my healing, too.
Of course, I have walked a few cancer walks, for my own cancer or others. It's an awful, creepy disease and I wish this on Nobody! So supporting researches makes me feel good, and I can show my support to my friends that are affected by it. 

Another Blessing

Fast forward four years, I find myself blessed again with another carrier to carry our third child. Wow. God has been so good to us! During that time, Beth and I did the Relay for Life for the second time and it was so meaningful for me - it goes with this post as well. At the end, I can only give glory to God for where I am today! (I wrote a post back in May that says it all.)

So five years have gone by, I was able to heal in so many ways. My family grew from three to five with the help of two very special ladies. And I have learned to be a fighter. Life is worth fighting for! It's worth living it every minute, and it's so beneficial to enjoy what we have, even if it is not always our plan, but God's. I am happy where I am today. So that is what I am celebrating my life changed forever due to God's plan.

I am not sure how my day will look like, but I want it to be special. 

I might not do school that day, or do a special session on 'counting our blessings'.

I want to celebrate with a birthday cake, and a candle on it... (it will be nice to see a one digit-number on MY cake once again - haha) 

I want champagne.... (this one might not happen though....)

And I want my family and friends around me!

And I want to thank God all day - whenever I think about it - for how blessed I am!

Thank you for being here and reading, thank you for praying and thank you for encouraging me when I felt I couldn't handle this anymore. Please stay and keep reading - I am certain that God is not done with me yet.

National Cancer Survivor Day

In late 2008, I wrote down my cancer story..... I would not write it like that today, but back then, I did and you can read it again here.

Apparently, yesterday, June 3rd, was the 25th National Cancer Survivor Day. I had never heard of it but nonetheless, I feel like it's a day to celebrate. So many things that come with this disease.

Survival. Life. Hope. Victory. Strength. Perseverance. Love. Support. Faith. Family. Honesty. Advocacy. Fighting. Determination. Purpose. Confidence. Forgiveness. Prayer. Adaptability. Resilience. Compassion. Knowledge.

So to anyone who is out there and who survived - happy Survivor Day to you.

I am celebrating 4 years, 7 months, and 5 days (more or less). Doesn't sound like much? I can tell you, walking it every day, it has been a journey that felt at times like years. Much has happened since that fateful day of my diagnosis. MANY good things. Healing, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can truly say that I walked through some major personal growth. And I like what I see in the mirror today. And at last the two beautiful children that I didn't think I could have after the cancer-resulting infertility. That is alot for five years!

This cancer did not get the best of me, but it gave me the best things in life, things that I truly appreciate! It gave me a husband that walked with me every step of the way, right by my side. It gave me hope and encouragement. It gave me a best friend. It gave me a family of five. And it gave me the comfort of never having to be alone ever! Besides my family and friends, I've got many sisters-in-crime..... that know and understand where I have been, and that I CAN support today, feeling their pain because I was there once and I am a witness that God can turn it all around.

Relay For Life 2012

Relay for Life is great.

On the American Cancer Society website, it says this about the relay:
"Relay For Life is a life-changing event that helps communities across the globe celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease."
And really, there is not much more I can add to that.

Last year's post was about my reason for walking and how we spent the night making memories.
This year, it was about that, too, but something had changed. Something was added to MY equation. My outcome was changed. Because this year, I was not alone. My best friend Beth was with me and my unborn baby.

I am a survivor. I am HOPE (as some of the t-shirts say). But I am also a witness to God's love, mercy and grace. I was so blessed to have Beth there, right next to me, because this year, i KNOW that if that stupid cancer would ever come back, I would be prepared (as much as one can be prepared for such a tragedy), and I would NOT be alone.

And I know - I was not alone last time, I had my wonderful husband and my family as support. What I didn't have was a best friend or a tight church family that was close to me and that supported me. And not because they didn't want to, it was because I was not close to them, and I was 'hiding'. Big time. Cancer is funny that way! It can break the strongest person, or it can break the weakest one out of their shells. For me, it was the latter. I broke out, finally. I became more open. I started talking about it. And you know what happened? I got hugs. I got encouraging words. I got prayers every time I went back for an appointment. And I got a best friend, who loves me and holds my hand when a bad day sweeps over me.

I AM NOT ALONE anymore. And that is what made yesterday so special.

The event starts at around 7 pm with the survivors lap - and this year, I did not walk it alone. Beth and Baby came with me, as a sea of purple shirts walked very slowly around the track one time. It was a wonderful moment shared together.
By the way, we had special shirts made for this event, that were designed by a friend of Beth. My t-shirt says: "My Bun. Her Oven." and Beth t-shirt says: "Her Bun. My Oven." Thank you to a very kind lady.

After that, the opening ceremony started, where the survivors sit on benches as the people on stage make their speeches. Last year, I sat alone; this year, we were standing up front together.
After the speeches, the survivors took a picture for the newspapers, and signed a huge banner - that I believe was hung up later - but we didn't get to see that anymore, as we left early. Miss Beth needs her beauty sleep.

Last year, I walked 19 miles throughout that night; this year, I made it a total of 4 laps, that is pretty much one mile. Wow. Talk about a crazy workout! While waiting, we were also busy decorating a cake. Which again, I had to do by myself last year, and just recruited Beth this year to help. Someone donated the cake to our team, and the survivor of that team has to decorate it, and this way, it is put up for the auction, and the winner of that cake will take it home.

We waited for the Luminarias that started at 9pm. They are to remember loved ones that lost the battle, loved ones that are fighting right now, and in honor of all the survivors, that hopefully never again have to fight that specific battle. It is very touching. Our team leader had put up two for me, one in the circle that goes around the entire track, and one in the ribbon that was next to the stage. (If you want to see pictures of them at night, I would kindly refer you to the post from last year.) 

And there is one picture of the ribbon that was a new addition to the ceremony.

It was a night to remember, at least for me. And I am looking forward to doing this again next year. One day, I would love to bring the entire family....

I want to shout out a big thank you to all my friends, new and old, who donated to the team. The money will be used for good. For example, it will be used to buy wigs for those that are going through chemo therapy. It will also provide rides for people who do not have a support team that can take them to the oncologies, hence to their doctor appointments or treatments.And it will do much more than that. THANK YOU.

Resentments

If you are into reading 'happy' blog posts about a 'perfect' life, then you might not want to read on. My life is for sure not boring and I am not perfect, and perhaps, sometimes, steam just needs to come out. Especially the other day. I know, nobody wants to read sad stories.... I wouldn't want that either. So after thinking it over and over, I decided to post what I wrote down the other day, because this is my life right now and life is not always that pretty anyways.

January 1st - the new year did not start with a bang or a bunch of resolutions, for me, it started with resentments:

I am resenting today.

I resent that I am not pregnant, but someone else is carrying my baby - I am 'just' an expectant parent, or merely a mother-in-waiting. Actually, on the paper work, we are referred to as the 'intended parents' - like someone can change their minds. It sucks.

I resent the fact that for some reason, God thought it needed to be this way, when I really just want to scream "why"? That question has not popped into my head for a long time, and suddenly, it's back. Why cancer? Why can I not be the one pregnant?

I resent that I won't feel the first kick of the baby. There are no butterflies in my tummy - but someone else gets to feel that. Why? It rips my heart out just thinking of it.

I resent that I can not spend any alone-time with my baby; I can not just sit in a rocking chair and speak with it, because there are always (at least) two extra eyes and two extra ears! I can not bond with it the way I would want to, and the woman who is carrying it doesn't want to bond, for her own sake! (and it is good this way!) It sucks to be the baby, I guess....

I resent that I was robbed of a nice birth story with all of my children. Why do others get to do it over and over when they already have one beautiful story to tell? It hurts.

I resent that I even forget sometimes that there is a baby on the way, because it is not here with us. I am not saying that the family feels complete, but the baby is not always topic number one of our lives, and it should!


I resent that the Hubby doesn't get any time with the baby at all, that he can't sit next to me, put his hand on my belly and talk to the baby. (Because as a man, you just don't do that to someone else's wife!)


I resent that my children will not witness the miracle of a normal pregnancy. They can not just sit with me and talk to their sibling. They can not bond with it either. So this is a fear of mine, that reality will just hit them so much harder than in normal growing families.

I even resent that the grandparents get robbed of their experience as well.

I resent that everyone only sees the 'beauty' of this process and the sacrifice that the 'other woman' is offering. I did not ask for this! I would have preferred to live without miscarriages, cancer and hysterectomy. I would have preferred to carry my own babies. At times, it feels like, nobody sees the sacrifices I had to endure to even bring us to this place. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing, and yes, she is giving up so much, for us, just because.... and I appreciate it! I DO. It is a very selfless gift that this family is offering us.

I resent that if you ask me which of the three tragedies were harder on me, that I have to say: infertility. By far, it was harder than cancer and miscarriages; as devastating the loss of my children was, and as scary as cancer is still today, infertility seems so final. 

And I resent that I have to write this down. Because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. If I don't, I will scream one day for sure, because it all seems so unfair. If I don't, I will not be free of these emotions one day, to ONLY see the beauty of it all. I feel misunderstood by everybody, so maybe this will help....

I resent all of it.

So, it's out. If you are still there - kudos to you!
I believe all those feelings are actually okay. The Hubby is trying to understand me and my feelings - he knows what I have been through. He is my light in the tunnel, my rock in the storm. He also said that he is a person that would not see the things that we lost but the things gained. Well, good for him, because I am just not wired that way. I do have to grieve over all the things that I lost, that is just who I am.

BUT I do want to say that he is right! Our joy is still dominating the entire process, a very complicated process.  A process that involves two families: two women and their feelings, lots of hormones; husbands that are supporting us and encouraging us when we need it, and that are patient. To add to all that, we have each children that need tending to. It's called life. And isn't there a saying that we have to do the best out of what life presents in front of us? Well, that is what is needed in this very special circumstance. It might just not always be pretty.

So these last few days and weeks, I have spend many hours around my family and just enjoyed what I have at the moment. Giggles and laughter from Coqui and Peanut are like balsam to my soul. A hug and an encouraging word from the Hubby are like huge band-aids. Being surrounded by the people who have seen with their own eyes how hard it has been for our family the last seven years, it helps! I love them and I thank them for their support, emotionally, spiritually, and in so many other ways. I know I am blessed..... I just have to 'earn' this next blessing, too.

Check-up time

This Christmas season has been very busy. We had a few visitors at the house, church has been very busy, and of course the baby thing has taken quite a bit of our time. I can proudly say that I am done with Christmas shopping, it's all in the house and needs to be wrapped. We have a tree, decorated the house, and even made a ginger bread house (today). We finished school and had our last school day on Thursday. We did alot this December....

But there was one more thing that I needed to do before the new year: have my bi-annual check-up at the oncology. This is not something that I am looking forward to, as necessary as it is, and as peace-giving it is once it's over and the good results are in. But then, the uncertainty of those good results makes me dreading the entire event. I never liked the procedure to begin with.

So this morning, I got up and had to deal with a sick child - thank God, because I had to focus on him and not on my anxiety. When I drove over there, I prayed in the car, thanking God for my healing, of the cancer and the aftermath. I praised Him for who He is. And I prayed for a clean bill of health. It's not that I expect something to show up, but you never know.....

The appointment went really well. I had to wait for quite some time, but that was okay - I had brought a book - something that is only possible because I have the grandparents at home watching the children. Praise to God that I was pretty calm already, but when the doctor walked in, I calmed down even more. This time, I knew due to the good news, we would have lots of things to talk about. (Talking usually settles my distress even more.) She knows the doctor from the fertility center personally, so she asked questions of how things are going, how far along we are, and of course congratulated us. It doesn't happen every day (in her life) that the patient has good news about a pregnancy when you were the doctor making that impossible in cutting out the necessary parts. So she is extra happy for us, as are the nurses - actually thinking about it, they might be even more thrilled. I could show of pictures of my two kids and the baby on the ultrasound. It was so nice to see their happy faces, and the joy it brought. What an awesome testimony to God's miracle.

There are three parts to the appointment - finding out if I have any symptoms, so she asks me a ton of questions, which I negated all - this is a good thing! Part 'deux' is the examination of my insides (and that is all I am saying...). She feels for new tumors or cysts - and the good news is that she didn't feel anything. I seem to be completely healed on the inside (long time after the surgery, she could still feel some hardened tissue that was of some concern to her.) And last but not least, she did the swap for the pap test which is slightly uncomfortable. And I have to wait for the results.... the only bad part.

So I am partly relieved, that things went really well today, but there is some anticipation left until I get that phone call from the nurse telling me that the pap was clear..... that should happen in two days, right for Christmas. After that, I will be able to completely enjoy Christmas and celebrate Jesus' birth.

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me this morning, on a short notice. It gave me so much peace, and I got some very encouraging words right when I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor. Thank you for that.

Editor's note: It's Thursday, and I got the call I've been waiting for a little earlier today. The nurse gave me the good news over the phone - I could hear the smile in her voice. And when I said "Merry Christmas to me", she laughed and said, that is a merry Christmas indeed. She mentioned again how happy they are for us and our little blessing. They can't wait for me to bring the baby once it's born.... They are such a blessing over there at the oncology. God is so awesome.
Actually, when I talked to the nurse, she told me that ALL the results from yesterday's tests were negative. Isn't that amazing?

A story of hope

I thought I'd share this story of "sister" - a story of hope, that sounds pretty much like my story.

Please read this article, it's not long, but it reflects alot of my own thoughts, especially the ones on grieving infertility and how it is brushed off by alot of people. But our God is an awesome God, and I was blessed once already by a wonderful woman that gave us the gift of a child that we wanted so desperately. And I am being blessed again by another wonderful woman to have a third child to welcome to our family soon.

Here is the article: "Human-factor-conceiving-after-cancer"

I am thankful that today's technology is so advanced for this being possible. And I am particularly thankful that I live in a country that allows surrogacy and gestational carriers - not like in Europe where it is still prohibited in some countries.

THANK YOU GOD!

Being emotional

Do you know the song "Christmas Shoes" by NewSong? It's a good song, less for the melody, but those words are making me cry every time I hear it. (Here is a link to the youtube video, in case you want to cry, too.)

So I was driving yesterday in the car, and it came on. Usually I would skip the song on our CD, but it's hard on the radio. So I braved it, but to no avail. It made me bawl......blurring my vision while trying to manage traffic in pre-Christmas season. Oh well.

The thing that gets me each and every time is the similarity to our family - or what it could have been, four years ago. When I was diagnosed with cancer, my son was only 13 months old. If I would not have made it, he could be the one in the song. Ugh, it gets me right now.... I am so thankful that God pulled me through and that I am still here to see my children grow - and yes children, and each and every one of them is a miracle in my eyes! God deserves all the glory because He blessed me in so many ways. I am very grateful for His love and mercy.

There were a few more Christmas songs during that drive that drained a few more tears - maybe I am just totally emotional these days!? Merry Christmas to you all. And may God bless you abundantly.

Susan Komen Race 2011

Yesterday was a special day. The Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure was in the city and I ran it once again. It was my fourth consecutive year, after I had been diagnosed myself. It's the breast cancer race and I have been walking and/or running it for a dear friend and fellow-survivor. The first year, it gave me so much hope - it had only been three months after my surgery. Now I want to spread the word of hope to others who are newly diagnosed and might be, yet, hopeless. Hope is our biggest weapon.

I got there early to get street parking, and was just walking around to find where the start line and finish line were, when I met my friend from our church. I knew that she would be there, but this race is so big that I was never anticipating to find her. And there she was. So we chat a bit before the race. I was still  waiting for my team members to arrive - who, as it turns out, had trouble finding parking and actually never made it to the start line with me. So I had to run by myself. 

Here is the starting line before the race:

Here is how I looked once done, after three miles. I was able to run it without stopping once. This downtown area is pretty hilly and we ran up and down and up and down quite a few times. But I did it, and I did it in a pretty good time!

Here is my friend and fellow-survivor coming through the finish line. This was her first year running the entire course and I am so proud of her!

And here is an icon of our city.

Relay For Life Night

Survivors are the reason we Relay.

This is the first phrase of the website for the relays from the American Cancer Society.

Well, this is not the reason why I joined the event this last Friday night. I don't want to be honored for something that I had no choice in, I did not want to have cancer, nor was I the one choosing to survive. I survived through the mercy of my Lord Jesus Christ. It is all in His honor that I walk.

And to give HOPE to others.

So I joined my very good friend Beth and a team of about fifteen participants to raise money for the ACS and walked all night from Friday 7 pm until Saturday morning 6 am. Our team raised $1037.00 - more than we had wished for. We thank each and every one for their care.

The relay started with the Survivors Lap where the survivors had to walk around the track  one time, I guess to be celebrated, but most of all to show HOPE. Then the  relay was on! One member of the team had to be on the track at all times. For our team, it worked out great - because it seemed we had alot of walkers and runners on the team. So I got to spend alot of quality time with my friend, walking and running around the track lap after lap. She did 10.5 miles and I could accumulate 19 miles - three of those I actually ran! Literally, I was walking until 6 am when we decided to leave. (And when you convert the 19 miles into kilometers, I actually walked 30.4 km - doesn't that sound like something? Oh, I am so 'proud'.)

In order to make it more fun, there was a DJ who played music all night long, you know the kind that's upbeat and makes you wanna move! They also include some fun laps where the entire team has to go back out on the track, like a backwards-lap or a whistle-lap. People were selling food and drinks (coffee!!!), so really one can eat all night long and walk, so it won't stay on the hips!?! Seriously, it is alot of fun, and for a good cause!

There is one important aspect to the relay, and that's the Luminaria that brings people together to remember their loved ones lost to the battle of cancer or the ones, like me, that won the battle, at least for now!?! These are bags that each have a name on it. They place a candle inside. And when the sun sets, the illuminated bags fill the dark stadium with the light of hope. It is very moving, and lots of tears fell.... There was a minute of silence and lap with all participants around the track. I was honored to be there.

The food and drinks that the teams sell, are part of their raised money. There was also a silent auction going on. Teams had to come up with a basket of goodies and try to sell it to the highest bidder. We made two baskets, each with a lovely hat made by my friend that crochets, among so many other things. I had put a bid in for both baskets but only won one. So I have a new hat that I can show off in the next cold season, one that was made in my cancer color, at least one of them, teal. (Cervical cancer's colors are white and teal; the teal alone stands for ovarian cancer.) The other head, my friend made, was with a ribbon with all the cancer colors. Very beautiful. You can check out her stuff at her facebook page and on the etsy shop.

Here is a picture from the sunrise when I got into my car. By the time I got home, it was daylight! I needed a shower badly and then my bed. I got three hours of sleep until the kids just couldn't do without me anymore. So somehow I survived Saturday with the little sleep I had. Sunday, I was pretty soar, but today, on Monday, I am almost back to normal. Tomorrow, I promised myself to be back to running in the morning!

Relay for Life Participant

 My friend and I signed up for one of the relays for Life that is organized by the American Cancer Society. She blogged about it here: C. Beth Blog.: Relay for Life (subtitle: Can you spare $10?)

And I just want to pass the word around for me and for her.... Here is the link to my website - in case you DO have some spare money that can go to cancer research. As you all know, I am a cancer survivor myself - so personally, I would appreciated the support. Every penny will help to do good....

It will be fun to do this relay - on Friday, May 13th, we will be walking or running for twelve hours. Okay, not just me, but our team. One member has to be on the track at all times, so I hope to get in some mileage for myself. The Relay will start with a Survivors Lap - so I will be one of the first ones on the track! How exciting.

Update on Health and my new hobby(ies)

Thank you all for the kind words regarding my recent excursion in the medical world of cancer. I still feel the lump. That said, I do feel more peace. At the moment.

Isaiah 26:3 "With perfect peace you will protect those whose minds cannot be changed, because they trust you."
The Lord did not give me these two kids to take me away from them this early - that I am convinced of. I did question myself if we should even think of attempting the adventure of a third child, or should we just leave it at two. It is so hard when your heart just screams YES, but the brain is thinking "I could die, sooner or later". Then I thought, hey, we are all mortal. Yes, we are! So a perfectly healthy mother can be hit by a car tomorrow, or die during a routine operation next week. I can die of cancer within the next years or so, but I might not. I will not! So I will let my heart take over the prayers this time, and pray that we might (?) have another child by next year or so. Maybe...

Also, the doctor's office called me to make an appointment for an ultrasound in about six weeks. I made the appointment and I am so happy that I have a doctor who cares. I am taken care of very well at this oncology and that, too, gives me peace. I am blessed.

Now to the next point. I am not blogging every day, but I don't want you to think I am not busy. Here is a picture of my new creations, my new hobby:

I finished the last two this morning. After making a few of those, I have come up with a pattern that I like and the fabrics that I prefer. At first, I ran out and got all new fabrics, now I am just cutting up old receiving blankets that were just collecting dust in the dresser. The fleece inside the diaper is better for baby's skin, but it makes the diaper much thicker to work with. So far, I am planning on making around twenty of those kind of diapers - just for my own use. I want to be done with them before my trip that is coming up in about two weeks. So I have fifteen more to go. It takes me about two hours to produce one from start to finish, cutting the pattern first until the last stitch. Not too bad I think.

The other "new" hobby is the home schooling project, with that I mean getting all the legal information that I think I need to back myself up (from the government). I had gotten four (existing) books from the library that I was reading for the past three weeks. By now, I think I have a general idea how I want things to be by September. I have been much more serious with Coqui about school, doing it longer and more intense. There were some days that he complained about it taking too long, other days, like this morning, he couldn't stop from doing more, even though I was done, and so was Peanut. (She gets a little clingy when I am away from her for too long.) I am actually almost ready to order my curriculum - not sure on a few books, so I will wait and see if I can find some more books in a different library here in town.

Yeah, so I said I was busy. But also very happy. Blessed every day.

A Praise of Thanksgiving

For the past month, I have been a little preoccupied by the thoughts of recurring cancer.

Let me start from the beginning. About a month ago, I found a lump on my abdomen, while showering. I never felt it there before. To say the least, I was frightened instantly. Living with cancer also means living with the fear of it coming back, at any time. My initial reaction was panic. Then I tried to find explanations to calm myself down. After about a week, I went to my support group - this meeting is for all gynecological cancers. I usually go to give support, not to get it. But for some reason, this meeting was quite somber, and at the end, I just lost it, and "confessed" to the nurse. Of course, she told me that she will talk to the doctor and get me in to see her. And if it is just to give my mind peace.....

I went home, relieved that something will be done, but also more frightened to find out if I die sometime soon. You will laugh reading this, but believe me, at the time, it was not funny. So I waited and within the next three weeks, we came up with a game plan that included lab work and a CT scan and a possible doctor's examination, depending what the scan would or would not reveal. My scan would have come up in May anyway, so we were just having it a little earlier this year. I have to have one each year, to make sure that everything is okay. Sounded good to me!

Now the thing with the CT scan is that I am allergic to the iodine. They have to pre-medicate me, 24 hours before and 24 hours after the injection of the iodine. Something I am most definitely not looking forward to. Taking it for two days is fine, but getting off it is like "floating-on-drugs" and hardcore detox! To make a long story, or waiting time, short, I had my test this past Thursday, and the results came back fine.

Or at least fine enough for now. I am getting cysts quite often. And the doctor says that I have one right now, on the spot where I felt it. If it keeps giving me problems, there are not many options. Eventually, it might mean that she has to remove my ovary / ovaries. Eh? What? My ovaries? Kidding, right??? I was so happy when they were not removed the first time around, now she is talking about another operation? I am not sure what to think? I am not ready to give those up yet? Not only would that take away the last way to ever have another child, but it also would put me in early menopause - and I am not ready for that! For sure!

So I am praying that it will not be necessary! I am also thanking God for taking care of me!

Psalms 30 - A Prayer of Thanksgiving.  
¹ I will praise you, LORD, because
   you have saved me
   and kept my enemies from gloating over me.
² I cried to you for help, O LORD my God,
   and you healed me;
   you kept me from the grave.
³ I was on my way to the depths below,
   but you restored my life. 
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, all his faithful people!
   Remember what the Holy One has done,
    and give him thanks! 
⁵ His anger lasts only a moment,
   his goodness for a lifetime.
   Tears may flow in the night,
   but joy comes in the morning.

AMEN.

Susan Komen Race to the Cure 2010

On Sunday, I participated in the Susan Komen Race to the Cure. One of about 19.500 individuals. It was cold, very cold, close to freezing when I had to leave the house.

I have been doing this for a friend that is a survivor for three years. Her team has grown double the size by now - it seems more and more people want to get involved or support her. It is fantastic. The past year, we have been walking, all of us.

But this year, it was a very split team. We had four timed runners, four untimed runners and the rest, the other half of them, were walking. I ran for the first time. And I have to say that I am so proud of myself. My last workout is like three months ago, I had not trained for this at all, but I did it. For 80 percent I was able to run and only for 20 percent I was walking, mostly the uphill parts. I even had some energy left to sprint to the finish line. Yeah for me. It took me about 41:30 minutes. Not to shabby!

Now I am looking forward to next year. Maybe I'll be able to train that I can be a timed runner. Would be just too nice....

Future Plans

Today, I was thinking that sometimes I forget that I am a cancer survivor. I mean only for a second or so. I know that others experienced this before, too. So I am not alone. Like when I think about the future, my dreams and my expectations. There are so many things that I still want to do. So many places that I want to see. I am a stay-at-home mother and I am loving it. But I also know that one day, I want to go back to work. What that might be, I don't know yet - there are so many choices!
And that is one thing to LOVE about America: nobody laughs at you when you decide to change carriers with 40!!! They encourage you and cheer you on! I love it. I love photography, but I am not sure if I want to have my own business. I love teaching, so I could easily imagine to teach somewhere (besides my own children). I can also imagine to work in a family business. Then I came up with this: after going through the cancer experience, one has the feeling to want to help others that are going through that same (or a similar) experience. I can NOT see blood, I will faint. So I can't be a nurse. But I could do a one-year training to be an ultrasound technician! Yeah. So I just have to figure things out for myself.
Helping others is top on my list. So being a volunteer is one thing that I actually enjoy. I want through a training and feel quite confident to be able to help someone. Currently, I am just doing one-on-one matches, mostly over the phone. It comes being a mom of small children that I can't just leave and go off. But in the near future, I want to go to hospitals and oncology centers. In my support group, I can drive people to and fro, when they are not feeling well enough to drive themselves. It is the small things that count. Maybe I can help someone else to dream again and see the light at the tunnel......
But when I thought about all those plans today, I was thinking that I am glad that I am making plans! Because three years ago, round about this time exactly, I was not thinking of making any plans...... so I wanted to share with you HOW blessed I felt today. For being able to still dream, expect and hope!

Being Blessed: Walk To Beat The Clock

Last year, I wrote about my favorite walk: Being Blessed: Walk To Beat The Clock
This year, I planned this vacation around the walk so I could attend! And I did, this last Saturday! Up front, I want to thank everyone for supporting me, for donating to this fantastic organization, and for two ladies, especially, that came to walk with me. I was very fortunate with my diagnosis, with the support from family, friends, and my doctor, so that this horrible experience actually wasn't so horrible after all.

We got there on time, we even participated in the warm-up, we prayed, we cried, we walked and we talked. It was a beautiful day! It was perfect. Tamika Felder is the organizer and founder of Tamika & Friends, Inc., she is a cervical cancer survivor and advocate, and now my friend as well. I admire her for her outspokenness. And I am glad that I can be there with her and all the other survivors. It is amazing. And I want to learn from her. I want to be outspoken, too. I want to go around and proclaim that I am a survivor and education is the key! It's not just this particular cancer, it is any cancer. In support group, they always say to us: Be your own advocate! Fight! This was one way to fight.

This is this year's group in New York City. When I heard that this walk almost didn't take place, I was upset. So if I can, I want to make sure it will take place next year. My two ladies said that we should form a team and have more people walk for me. How cool would that be??? It's an awesome idea and I would be thrilled. What an honor!

Two-and-a-half-years cancer-free

I am back! The last couple of days have been a little stressful for me. After my two-year mark of two years cancer-free, I only have to go to the oncology every six months. Right after that two year mark, I had my X-rays done. Now, half a year later, my CT scan was due. So two years ago, when I had it done the very first time, I found out that I have an allergic reaction to the iodine they inject for the scan. Not fun! Believe me, my entire body was covered in hives and it itched for days..... So last year, they medicated me for 24 hours, which didn't help. It was less itchy but I was still covered in hives for a couple of days. So this year, they tried pre-medicating for 48 hours, 24 before and 24 hours after the procedure!

But let's start from the beginning. I had to get blood work done on Friday, and that was just the beginning of my medical weekend. The kids did great at the doctor's office. (You have to know that I have to be laid down for this! I don't like needles and I can't see blood!) So having Peanut standing and sucking on my pocket book handles, while Coqui tries to 'watch' her.... Well, the staff was very understanding and patient with this. It only took a couple of minutes anyway, but this is an oncology, not a pediatrician! So I appreciate that they love us to come by and check out the babies. And just smile. Smile and say: "No problem. We love babies." What an atmosphere - better than their pediatrician!!!

I mean serious, if there is a 'perfect' place to be sick , then it is this Oncology! I love going there. I always feel safe. I can bring the kids and they will be loved. I can asked stupid and not-so-stupid questions. I absolutely love my oncologist. I believe she is a great doctor but also a great woman to talk to about things that one doesn't talk to anybody about! Usually, I am trembling by the time I get there for my appointment, so being in good hands helps alot.

So Sunday morning, I had to start my pre-meds. I was on Benadryl and a steriod, that is suppose to counteract the sleepiness. So Sunday morning, I felt pretty nauseous. I am not sure from which medication that was. By the afternoon, I felt a little better, but took a nap! Oh yeah!!! In the evening I was fine, and at night, I couldn't sleep. Oh well. So I asked the nurse Monday morning, if I could not take the steroid, but that was not part of their plan! Sorry.

So Monday morning was the CT scan at the oncology. Once again, the staff is phenomenal over there, when we roll in with the entire family! They took good care of me while the Hubby had to entertain the two kiddos! They explain every little detail of what they are about to do to you! The last two years, we had to go to a Radiology, a central place for our city, due to insurance reasons. They are fine over there, but still not even close as this nice! I felt as comfortable as one can be in a situation like this. And to make it short, all went well with the iodine. No reactions then and none later!!! So this 48-hours thing might actually work. (Even though I am not looking forward to do it again next year!)

This morning, Wednesday, I had my regular appointment with my doctor. She is awesome. I was shaking by the time I got there, so the nurses always tell me what a great blood pressure I have - I tell them they should catch me on a day when I don't have to see the doc!!! (I have very low blood pressure!) Coqui was such an awesome little boy. We brought his Leapster with us, so he could play while the nurses were watching him when Mami was inside the doctor's room! Just Peanut did not cooperate well. I had saved giving her her bottle for then, but she wanted to be with me! So she had to come in the room with me!!! Oh what fun!!! (For all the people who have no idea, please imagine bringing your baby to the OB-Gyn appointment!!! Now you know what I am talking about!)

The doctor told me that everything looked good on the scan! Hallelujah! Praise God!!! What a relieve. It had been so stressful for me up to this point. Then the rest of the exam was a breeze and over in no time. (I don't like the exam!) I should have the results from the swap test by Friday, but she said everything looks great!!! I love her. And we always find a few moments to just chat about our families! Did I mention that I love her? Yeah. I believe that I had to come to this city to get cancer just for her! I KNOW that I wouldn't have found a doc as good as her on the east coast! I feel blessed!

So I hope I can write a little more often now! Having this big milestone behind me.

Walk To Beat The Clock

I did it! I walked to beat the clock. In New York City. Woo hoo.

Okay, now I can explain....

As some of you know, I am now a 2-year survivor of cervical cancer. To celebrate this occasion and to spread the word to beat that clock, I signed up to walk this year's race. And I did it! It is organized by Tamika & Friends, Inc., "a national non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness about cervical cancer and its link to HPV (human papillomavirus)". It was founded in 2005 by cervical cancer survivor and advocate Tamika Felder. She got alot of support from her family and friends - hence the name!

Her message is that "every hour a woman in the US is diagnosed with cervical cancer, a preventable and treatable disease. The proceeds from these Walks go back into Tamika and Friends, Inc. to support the various programs they have in place to help those living with cervical cancer and cervical cancer survivors. The Walks have proven to be a great way to raise awareness, provide education and to give cervical cancer patients, survivors and their loved ones, as well as those who have lost loved ones to cervical cancer, a sense of community and friendship."

Being blessed with very generous friends, I made it to the top three donation list. And with that, I had to go up on stage! For those of you who know me personally, I do not like attention drawn to me, so that was very awkward. The person who gives me the present is Tamika Felder, the founder of the organization. She is now a friend of mine and I love her boldness in going out there and just spread the word any way she can! I admire her for that.

The Hubby said that we will make this an annual event, so I am looking forward to do this again next year. I mean, who needs a reason to come to the city??? I don't! But there is now a good cause involved that makes it even better.
We had a great day in the city. Walking in the morning and going out for lunch. Yes, we did leave the baby and its big brother with the grandparents for a few hours - dinner was just not going to happen this year! So maybe next year, we can make it a true full day in the city - just like our first date!!! (I haven't written about that yet, maybe I will do that in the near future!)

How we got here...

How many people do take their health for granted?

I did when I grew up. I mean, for my adolescence, it is more a question of what I did NOT do, in all legal boundaries of course. So I went on roller coasters. I drank water from the river. I ate sand out of the sandbox. I did not always wash my hands, even though my parents told me so. I swam in dirty oceans and lakes. I sunbathed out in the sun, sometimes for hours. I stayed up all night. I did not go to annual check-ups, thinking who needs a doctor when you are not sick!


I thought, I was young and in-destroyable.
Then life changed forever in the fateful month of September in 2007, when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

It showed up at a check-up at the OB-Gyn. I had gone in for an annual pap test and kind of to get the okay of the doctor to try for baby number two. Well, that didn't happen!
I had had some symptoms, that I put in the category of some kind of imbalance within my body. Maybe some infection, maybe something more serious like a cyst or abnormalities of my body after a pregnancy. Never in a million years was I prepared for what was coming my way!

At first, they thought that I had a polyp maybe.... not so bad, the nurse told me! It can be removed in a simple outpatient surgery. Then two days later, I got a call from the doctor with the results from the pap test: well, it was not a polyp! It looked like cancerous cells. I got a little uneasy on the phone, yet the voice did not sound alarming. Still, she sent me to the oncology....

After going there and another week of waiting, we went back to the oncology and heard the dreadful news, we were not prepared to hear and that no-one ever wants to hear.

"You have cancer."

Cancer is staged from One to Four, with Four being the worst. My stage was 1bI. That in itself was a blessing because early detection is important when it comes to the big 'C'. But hearing a diagnosis like this at the age of 32 is not really what one would expect. So we were quite shocked. In one way, it was good that we did not have alot of time to think about it too much. Everything went so fast. It was 'only' an early stage, but we were told that it was a very fast growing cancer, so we should do something about it quick! I mean, I just gave birth barely a year before, and had a pap test done in November that year and it came back negative. So obviously then, there was nothing there. Nine months later, bam.....

We were talking a long time to my oncologist, trying to figure out what to do. According to her, fertility treatment was not an option because the cancer had grown so fast in only nine months, and she was afraid that the hormones, one has to take during the fertility treatment, would make the cancer explode. So far, they hoped, it was only in the tumor and hadn't spread too far yet - which they didn't know yet. This was to be seen during the operation.

So only two weeks after the horrible diagnosis, and a second opinion that didn't change anything, I went under the knife to have a radical hysterectomy. It was the scariest thing I had ever to face in my life. That morning, I was just a machine getting dressed to make it to the hospital. I was numbed by fear, and also by anger. It was suppose to be a few hours. They had to open me up, see how far the cancer had spread, see which organs were affected, and see what they had to remove. Our biggest fear was that they had to remove EVERYTHING, meaning, uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc...... which would have made me completely infertile and also would have put me into early menopause. The surgery took about six hours. During which the Hubby had to wait in the waiting area among tons of other people waiting. I can not imagine the atmosphere there. At last, they came out to tell him that I made it through the surgery and I was in recovery.

Recovery.

When I was scared before the surgery, at least I didn't know what to expect, besides my general knowledge of hating needles. But when I was waking up from the surgery, I was so numb, again. Not numb from fear or anger, numb all over my body. I could barely turn my head left to right. For a moment, I didn't even know where I was. My mouth was so dry and the first thing I remember is the nurse offering ice chips. Ice chips, really? I took them anyways.

Then an angel appeared over me. I felt her presence even with my eyes closed. Then I heard her voice, telling me the best news I received that day. I was cancer-free, alive, and still had my ovaries!
I wanted to hug her, jump up and down, and tell her how much I loved her. But my body was not cooperating! (wonder why?) I could only smile. Probably the biggest smile possible with still all these drugs inside of me. Then I grabbed her hand. I did not want her to go. I wanted her to stay! Her presence felt so calming and comforting. It gave me peace and hope all at the same time. She had to go, but told me that she only lived a few minutes away, so if I needed her, she would be back.
That angel was my oncologist.

So needless to say, I made it out of recovery after about two hours. I made it to my room where I finally could see the hubby. We cried when we saw each other, and then we just sat. I was still so groggy, so sleepy, so painfully surrendered to this bed and to the circumstances. I just wanted to make it to the next day. He couldn't stay overnight, but left as late as possible. After all, our son needed him at home.

After four dreadful days in the hospital, I was finally released. I could go home...... but then being home, it had changed. Destiny had changed our house forever, and it was hard sometimes being in a house that was the same, but my inside felt so uncertain, so shaken to the core. The pain was agony on some days, on others it was bearable. When they said six weeks recovery at least, they were not kidding!

Those days in my bed were so lonely. Not a day passed without tearing up at some point. I was angry. I was hopeless. The only thing that gave me hope was my son. He needed me. He wanted me to take care of him. So I needed to get better for him.  Six weeks was a long time, but we made it through. Mema was a huge support during those days, not only in taking care of my thirteen months old, but also in talking to me and encouraging me. I started to heal.

I have to thank God for that early detection, because I did not have to go through radiation, or chemo therapy! And I have to thank God for giving me the doctor her gave me, and for protecting my ovaries.  If I had to do it over, I wish I've had more friends surrounding me. Friends that I could pour my heart out to. I did this to the hubby.... who was so exhausting from taking care of me, and then I still wanted him to deal with my anger.... I think, I expected too much of him at times.

Yet, I have to say that among the news of  “cancer”, the worst news were the resulting “infertility”! Biologically, I cannot become pregnant ever again. And that was quite devastating, and still is. But I still had my ovaries. Now, a year later, I can truly say that there is hope....

Keep reading why.....