True Friendship

Disclaimer:
I have lived in the States for over a decade and want to assure my readers that I like living here. I believe God put me onto this continent for a reason.

With that being said, I do have to rant today......

Usually, when Americans ask me what I think of their country, I reply honestly very positive. In my opinion, every country on this planet has pros and cons to offer. No country is perfect because no human being is perfect. Leaders make mistakes, just as the little people do.

In general, I like to look at the bad things that I left being in my native Germany, and only look at what I gained in living here. Believe me, there are many things. Many advantages that make this country a good place to be.

BUT in the last four weeks, I have talked with many of my old German friends, and for some odd reason, they all have complained about one thing: Americans and friendship, or rather the lack of it. The lack of closeness and the lack of being able to rely on them. The superficiality of small talk and casual get-togethers are hard for us Germans to understand.

There is a saying that it's hard to become the friend of a German, but once you are, you'll be one for life. With friendships comes expectations and responsibilities. As a German myself, I can testify this to be true. It takes a long time to trust someone, but once that bridge is crossed, there is no doubt of relying on one another. It's mutual and enjoyable. It makes life less lonely.

Going through my mental friends list, I have to say that all my friends are Europeans spread all over the world. Some of them, I have not seen in almost two decades, or one, or a few years. But I email with them, talk to them on the phone, Skype, or interact personally in one way or another.
I can not say that about my American acquaintances! Nope! Americans like social media..... and social media is great to hide at home, have lots of acquaintances, but no expectations and no responsibilities with true friends. It's shallow and quick and easy.....
And I want to point out that it is not a lack of trying to integrate myself. I have tried and failed many times. I simply want more.

I don't know about you, but I do expect more from life. I want real friends to laugh with, to cry on their shoulders, and to make memories with. I want real conversations about small victories and about big dreams. I do not expect my friends to agree with each and every thing I do, but I do expect them to be honest - something that alot of Americans are lacking! Sorry. I don't want just friendly people around me, I want real friends with their strength and their weaknesses. I want deep and meaningful relationships.

So if you can see yourself in the phrase: "I call you later." but in YOUR mind, you have no intentions to do so, or to do so anytime soon - know that there might be an assumption, or hope, in the receiver's mind to hear from you soon. When I say later, I tend to call later - meaning literally in the next FEW days. And there are many 'empty' phrases that Americans like to bombard their opponent with, with no true intention behind them. Small talk. And most people on this earth just don't know what to do with it.

When approached with a question, Germans tell you what they really think - I do not always get that impression from the people on this continent. I feel I get excuses, coverups, apologies, and even deceptions - everything but true feelings. After all, if someone asks you something, I assume that they want to hear the truth,. But I had to learn the hard way that this is not the case here. People like to be buttered and honeyed up, flattered and smooched. To me, that is all just a different word for lying. Don't sugar-coat the answer, BE REAL!

As Christians, we are to speak kind words to encourage and build another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11), and we are not to use our tongue like sword thrusts (Proverbs 12:18).
But the bible also says in 1 John 3:18 "let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth". That means, don't just talk about how great a friend you are but really BE there when you are needed in time of trouble. And what is the truth? God's truth! And God's truth is not always wrapped in gift paper with a bow on it - God has spoken harsh words before, words that needed to be heard for a change to arrive, usually for the better.

In my opinion, friends are there for the good times and the hard times. They are there to sharpen another, just as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). A true friendship can be so rewarding. And I am blessed to have many friends around the world that I can call true friends, and that I can rely on.

I found a great article, that I agree with for the most part, you can click on the link below. Please read it.

Attitude change or more trust?

Now that I am writing about this book I read a while ago, a book that opened my eyes significantly, I had to face many realities, and I had to make a choice of wanting to be healed. Since then I have read a dozen other books on all the same issue: how to train my mind to reprogram my thinking that affects my actions. But at the end of each day, after reading and agreeing, I am sitting here, asking myself, HOW do I do it?

When a situation arises, that is not positive in any way, how can I change my thoughts to make it look more positive?
My mind keeps refusing to lie to myself..... I am not some machine that can easily be reprogrammed with hitting a few buttons. If the water is blue, I can not make myself believe that it is green! I don't know how I could do that.....

I agree that when something bad happens, there is no need to flip out, slam doors, threaten to take all the kids' toys away, and such..... No need. But facing reality, isn't that what God would want us to do? I know that our reality is only a glimpse of God's entire reality about our universe. I know that I can only see a part of what God is planning in the big picture. I understand that my attitude still needs to be a good attitude.

Maybe it is not a question of attitude after all. Could it be that it is a trust question? Am I really trusting God in the middle of my storm? Can He fix me?

Looking at it from that angle, I agree more with it than pretending to change my mind when I don't believe in it. But I can make the choice to believe God, and to trust Him. I can let go of my control over the matter, even with some attitude, but I can let go! Yes, I can do that. I can believe that He is simply not done with renewing me. Other people gave up on me many times over, but God will not. He has the perseverance and the unconditional love that it will take to accomplish His will.

I can believe that God works out everything for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). Every 'bad' situation in our eyes is a teachable moment in His eyes. He is the teacher and I have alot to learn. I believe that I can be open to the teaching and learning, to becoming stronger and more faithful. I am open and can not wait to meet the person that God wants me to be!

It's hard to give up control - I had to learn to have control of my life since a very early age, making my own decisions, bad ones and good ones. It was and is my survival mode. But it was also exhausting, to be my own boss for too many years. It is time to let go of that control. Now I am laying it down, to the feet of my Lord and Savior, to take the steering wheel of my life. I trust that He will never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

My mind is truly a battlefield sometimes and so confusing. I have a hard time realizing what are my thoughts and what is God's truth. I wish I could jump into the bible and devour every word of it to truly know what God's truth is and what is not. I guess in the meantime, it is good to read as much as I can, to spend precious time with Jesus and praying and asking for answers. I have gotten a few answers, and they were great. They have given me some freedom, but also made me more hungry for more answers and more truth.

This fight is truly exhausting. In my mind and for my body. I am so tired but I know that I have to press on to see results. I am committed and I am thanking God for giving me the gift of perseverance and endurance. I thank Him for loving me the way I am. I thank Him for believing in me to get better. I thank Him for never giving up. For catching me when I fall. I thank Him for the hunger and thirst I have to read all these books. For comforting me in my worst moments. And lastly, for the hope He instills in me constantly.

Today, I am simply sharing a story that was shared with us at a local church. It is from this webpage. And while the words revealed on the screen, one after the other, it was so clear in my heart that I have been blinded all this time by cups, and I did not enjoy the coffee as God intended it. "Life is Like a Cup of Coffee

Spiritual Story by Unknown

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee. When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly." Which cup would you choose?

Taking Time

I receive a daily email with a devotional. Sometimes, it strikes me as totally relevant to my life right now, other times, I have to admit, I only glance at it and then erase it.... 
Today's writing was just a good reminder to enjoy life with less haste and more relaxation. So the following words are NOT from me, I have simply copy and pasted them from Pastor Allen from Apostle Paul Ministries in California.

"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven." ( Ecclesiastes 3:1 NKJV )
The funny thing is that the message at church was the same one: patience and listening to God's timing not ours. It is hard to have patience. I admit that I can have all the patience in the world with the kids and most other things, but put me behind a wheel and I turn into a very pushy driver....... So I was reminded to slow down to enjoy the nice things about life, and to practice patience - simple and yet so hard to do. 

Then the pastor shared this poem - very powerful words: 

                     TAKING TIME
      Take time to think...It is the source of power.

      Take time to play...It is the secret of perpetual youth.

      Take time to read...It is the fountain of wisdom.

      Take time to pray...It is the greatest power on Earth.

      Take time to love and be loved...It is a God-given privilege.

      Take time to be friendly...It is the road to happiness.

      Take time to laugh...It is the music of the soul.

      Take time to give...It is too short a day to be selfish.

      Take time to work...It is the price of success.

      Take time to do charity...It is the key to Heaven.
                                        Author Unknown

BE BLESSED.

Assumptions and Judgement

We have a lot of choices in this life. Easy ones or hard ones. It starts with: Which cereal am I gonna eat today for breakfast? And it goes to: What university am I going to study? And when a husband and family planning come along, it is more like: How many children are we gonna have and how are we raising them?

This blog post is not about making our own decisions and carry them out, it's about decisions that are taken away from us and can NOT be carried out anymore, according to OUR plan......

When I had Coqui, I made a birth plan that was as natural as you can think, besides the fact that it would take care in a hospital. I didn't want drugs, I wanted to walk, and I didn't want my child being taken away from me after birth. Guess what?! None of that happened. C-sections just don't come drug-free, and due to that, my baby was taken away from me.
If you read some statistics on C-sections and their after-effects on mom and baby, well, one of them is trouble with breast feeding. I tried it for four days, had a lactation consultant talk to me and show me some 'tricks', but to no avail. Finally, I sent the hubby out to buy a pump just to relieve me from the pain I was in! Engorgement, anybody? It hurt so bad, but once I put the pump on, it felt so good....

To make a long story short, I dedicated myself to breast feeding my newborn child - the milk just had to come in a bottle! I did this for nine long months! During that time, our family moved half across the country once, traveled on six different plane rides, and I pumped at pretty much every location that you can think of, including the car in various parking lots, a Jewish temple during a Bat Mitzvah, and on the airplane during the flight (batteries make it possible!). When I did not take the pump with me, I had about three hours for leaving the house and returning home!

You think those breast feeding moms are dedicated? Well, think about all those pumping mamas! The ones that had to return to work because money is tight. The ones that have to travel during breast feeding. And the ones that had the same thing happen to them like what happened to me....... I think we are just a bit more dedicated and it is just not recognized the same..... But you are welcome to proof me wrong.

Why am I even writing about this? Now? Well, I was approached by a friend, confessing that I was judged six years ago for bottle feeding my child. She didn't want anything to do with me because she thought we had nothing in common. She was all into attachment parenting and breast feeding - which I obviously was not. She judged without asking. So I was quite shocked to hear that - because I never thought people could have judged me for that. In Jersey, it is rather more common not to breast feed (personal statement!). I had no idea that people looked down on me for sticking a bottle into my boys mouth. Nobody knew that it had breast milk in it! And I did not think of labeling it either!

Did it bother me that we didn't click and latching just didn't happen? Of course! I had a crisis over it, until many people told me that it doesn't matter HOW the breast milk gets into Coqui's tummy! Breast or bottle, the liquid is the same! And they were right. We bonded just fine. When  he laid in my arms, he gazed up at me, and we connected. I carried him everywhere and I spent LOTS of time with him.

Fast forward three years, I had to bottle feed my second child because it was NOT carried by me. Hence I had no breast milk to give to her. We were at a Nikolaus party at a German friend's house. There I met another mama who's daughter was the same age as Peanut, so just a few months old. She kept disappearing and I didn't think anything of it, until I pulled the bottle (of formula) out and stuck it into her mouth. I was faced with a very surprised/worried/accusative question: "You don't breast feed?" Well, I had to explain where this baby came from, and why I couldn't give her any breast milk. At the end, they thought it was a story with a happy end, but I will remember why I had to tell it in the first place. Judgement!

It still didn't bother me, until now, six and three years later, when confronted with my friend's confession. Now I am wondering, every time I feed my baby in public: What are people thinking of me? Am I being judged for bottle feeding? At the same time, I am also hoping they would ask why - so I can explain that it was NOT my choice not to breastfeed any of my children! I WANTED TO! Very badly. And I am a big supporter for breastfeeding.

But my situation leads me to stand up for all those other women as well. It is a personal choice. I am not alone, there are other women that are in the same situation - blessed with the gift of someone carrying their child. What about adoption? Are they less of parents, less caring? No, there is a reason why they had to or wanted to adopt and can not breast feed. What about the woman that survived breast cancer, or really any cancer, and can not or should not breast feed? What about the woman that had to go back to work and it just didn't work out? The woman that got sick? The Mama that tried and had to give up because it was too stressful? And yes, what about the lady that just didn't want to?
They are ALL mothers that care for their children. And they are feeding their children (compared to the very rare case of a mom who doesn't even do that! - just saying.).

But then there is a whole other league of women out there! Women that are so passionate about breast feeding, that they want to do it for others as well, people like me. So when Peanut was born, there were two other women pregnant and one of those ladies offered to share some milk with us. I blogged about it here. It was such a huge blessing to us. I believe that this milk helped Peanut to grow stronger.

Munchkin has been very lucky as she has been drinking both breast milk and formula since birth. Wonderful Beth pumped up until recently, so Munchkin could have God's best food for babies. I am so thankful for that. There is also a webpage where breastfeeding moms from our state share their milk with mamas who don't have any or their supply is low. I connected with a lady that has given me her milk since before Munchkin's birth. I meet her once a month and she gives me what she has pumped extra next to feeding her own child.

And that is not all - Munchkin has had breast milk from three women, and that is including ME. During the pregnancy, the question of re-lactation came up. I had tried (with pure faith) for Peanut three years ago - and it didn't work. So at first, I was not really interested in stressing over that again. Than, I believe, God put a desire in me to check it out. I hooked up with a lactation consultant at the birthing center, heard what I needed to do, and then talked to my own oncologist, to make sure she would be okay with this. We both felt very strong of NOT using that drug from Canada (that is not available on the American market, for a reason!), so I didn't take it. But I was very open to herbs and just very boring dry pumping..... Again, my dedication and faith in God (that I heard Him right) were blessed with some milk. It was not much at all, as a matter of fact, it was more like an ounce a day! But to me, it was worth it. Munchkin got lots of time on the breast, even if she never drank any milk from it - I bonded with her and that is all that mattered. She got what she needed in a bottle.

Bottles are NOT bad. You don't know what is inside of them! So next time you see someone that does it differently than you, think twice about judging them, or just simply ask! It can lead to some serious miracle reveling. Or maybe a funny story?!

Life can throw us curve balls, things that we didn't expect and certainly didn't ask for. But isn't it about accepting the circumstances and making the best out of it? I believe that every mom has this instinct inside of her to know what is best for her child/children, even if it is not HER best choice......


(And if you are a reader, you might be interested in another woman's journey of providing food for her loved baby, click here: Life As An Exclusively Pumping Mom. She says it all, and I can so relate to this!)

Why I am a stricter mom.....

This post is not about me having the one-and-only formula to be the perfect mom or to have the perfect kids. It is just about me being me and to be true to myself. It is about what works for US, for now..... that does not say that I know it all, nor does it say it will always work this way. Circumstances can change, and when the time comes, we will adjust to that.


I am a strict mom.

Yep, it is out now! I've outed myself, and chased half of my readers away..... But I kind of like it. Even though I have to admit that it is not easy to find a good balance between the love-you-all-the-time-no-matter-what attitude, and between the tough love that children sometimes need from their parents. After all, as parents, we love our children, and because of this love, we feel the need to discipline them.

So yes, I can be tough. On my kids. Sometimes, the Hubby says, I can be too tough. That is hard to hear. Because I DO love my kids so much. They are the most important thing in my life. I feel motherhood is a calling for me. I have fun being a mom.  I love to spend time with my kids.

So why am I strict?
Good question!
Well, I have this big fear of adolescents that are completely out of control! I mean lying, stealing, drugs, unemployment, .... to name just a few. And I really do not want my kids to be part of this!
No, I can not look into the future, and I can not predict, that after all my hard work, they won't turn 'bad' anyways. I can't. All I can do now, is to teach them right, teach them about good choices, about God, and PRAY! Pray that they will copy us, as parents, to make good, or preferably better choices! Pray that if they do fall off the right path, they will come back to the right one. Pray that I will keep my promise to them of always being there for them. Pray that we all become wiser through the process.

So it makes more sense to me to lay down strict rules NOW and loosen them up once they understand what obedience means. Obedience to their parents AND to God. I believe that the only thing God requires us to do is to OBEY. He gave us a free will, but He wants us to obey Him. Because He knows what is best for us. And obeying Him shows our love for Him.
I think this is the same with children. We want them to obey us, because as adults, we know what is best for them. We are able to protect them from harm. We are able to make good choices for them, as an example. And hopefully, one day, they will copy us, because they see that it works. Through our kids obedience, they show us that they are listening and learning, and that they are loving us. That obedience results into the family's harmony. And who doesn't want to live in harmony with their family members?!

Raising children means to shape them, to prepare them for real life. A life without us as their guides. And that life is not always easy, and can come with alot of trials. Raising means guiding them through the good times and the tough times. It means teaching them to make choices every day. And when they make bad choices, we are there to catch them and put them back on the right track.

Being strict does NOT mean to talk down to the kids! It means laying down the law; it means having a strong guidance and showing them cause and effect in a system of punishment for misbehavior, and praise for good choices. 
As adults, we have to follow the laws of government, so kids need to be taught HOW to follow those rules. First there are our rules as parents, later they include also the rules of the school, then college, and then work. Teaching them HOW to follow rules is very essential, because there is no way around them. We all have to pay taxes, if we want or not. Sometimes we have no choice. They need to learn that their actions are causing reactions in the world, even when that 'world' is just their family for now. But they will get bigger, and their world will become larger, which means that actions will effect more and more people around them.

So I am talking about necessary discipline that is always presented with LOVE. My kids know that they are loved no matter what! We tell them that we love them always. That we love them when they are good, and that we love them when they are making bad choices. We are their security net when they fall. We love them.
And we tell them that what we don't LIKE are their actions! And to teach them that difference is important. I want my children to know how to behave around other people, how to treat them, and that their actions can cause happiness or suffering for other people. I want them to be considerate of others. I want them to be polite. So thank-you's and please's are not just optional, they are a must! Without the 'magic word', Mami is not budging. Saying 'I am sorry' is only acceptred when it is meant as a sorry. I also think to say NO to my kids will teach them that they don't always get what they want in life. This is a very important lesson to learn! Life is just not always fair.

Now there is no perfect formula for raising your kids! We all have to make choices that work for OUR family only. What works for us, might not work for another family.
But what I find so important is that we as parents can support each other without pointing fingers of righteousness. We are not failing when things don't work out. We are just being tested - and believe me, I have had my share of testing. And I KNOW that we are not at the end of the road. My oh-so-defiant middle child is only three..... so I see a long road of trial and error in front of me. But I believe in ME, and I believe in HER. And I believe that we can make this..... to a loving relationship.

Now what does that mean for MY life right now? Sacrifice! Big time. I have to sacrifice my own time to spend it with THEM! I believe the younger they are, the more time we should spend with them. Why? To nip any bad small behavior in the butt before it becomes a big problem. So as a mom, I do not get to go out with my friends all the time - I go on play dates for my children. I don't get to watch TV all day long, because I think that it would be bad for them. So if the TV is on during the day, it's a kid-friendly program. It also means that I get to spend most of my free time with my amazing children. I get to see their first step, how they learn to dress themselves, to write and to read, how they become their own little personalities. And I think it's a privilege.
Our days are spent with playing games, sometimes games I don't necessarily want to play, but I do it anyways because I might be able to teach them something - like how to be a good loser, or how to count, or how to let the ladies go first (to be a gentlemen). But they need to know that I am there for them - especially as a stay-at-home-homeschooling mom. It means I hide in the shower playing hide-and-seek. It means gluing pieces of paper all over a pretend robot. It means to build a volcano out of clay and try to explode it. It means to dress that doll with real cloth diapers and real baby clothes for my pretty girl. It means putting a theater show together with puppets. Or putting lap books together - those are a big hit these days.

It also means NOT to do things I like, at least not as much as I would like to. I can't read all day. I can't saw all day. I can't get a bucket of ice cream and veg in front of the TV. I can't talk on the phone all day with my friends - even though I would really like to that.

I am their example. And I want to be a good one.

So this is my little philosophy for today. Parenting is not easy, but for me, it's a calling and I want to try to do my best to fulfill that calling. It's  a privilege and a blessing to be their Mami.

Simplicity

The other day, I was thinking about ALL the things that I am thankful for and that enrich my life so tremendously.  There are moments when I try to wrap my head around it all and I feel like I can't because it is so overwhelming.

Then I asked myself if I am happy? And what makes me so happy? What is happiness anyways?

Now, the world teaches us to look at those material things that are suppose to determine how happy we are. And sometimes, I have to admit, it is hard NOT to compare and see all the things that I don't have. Not driving the newest car, or having the latest phone model.  And hey, I haven't bought a pair of new shoes for myself in almost two years! Wall unit? My last two children ARE my wall unit and everything else that we don't have in our house! It's all about priorities, right?

Well, the bible tells us to be happy with whatever God has blessed us - as written in Hebrews 13:5:
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." 

I can tell that you are thinking the same thing as I do.... "yeah, right? How is that working for you?"

It doesn't always work. Sometimes it is hard to accept life's circumstances - especially when you are dealing with a serious illness - that is not only scary but also cost alot of money, yearly. God's will can be so hard to accept, even when He promises that we'll learn something from that situation. It is tough to see through our troubles when we are in the middle of that storm.  It is frustrating to see other people get whatever they want, whenever they want, and we can't! We have to save for things, or just simply have to say No.

So when I was sitting on that bench during soccer training, and pondered why it is that, sometimes, people that have so much less than what we have, seem so much happier. How could it be? Is it true that when you have less, you worry less about loosing it all?  Does having less stuff mean you have less of a burden, less greed,  and more appreciation and happiness?

I know that I DO care less about money, and more about memories! Material things can be lost, what is in my heart can not be taken away. I rather have my memories than accumulating unnecessary things in my house.  I can appreciate every minute I spend with the family. I love to hang out with my friends and have a good time. My church family is awesome and I enjoy to fellowship with them any time.....


Soccer is not a very American sport, so naturally, there are alot of other nations on that soccer field, Hispanic mostly, some African countries as well..... and then that half-German son of mine. These people come together to play a fun game (no, I am still NOT a soccer mom!). They seem happy and free when they run over that field. Almost careless.

So what we can learn from the Hispanic family situation, for example?

Many times, they are a one-car-family. So when they leave the house, the entire family goes out together. Yes, together! As a family. I see it at the soccer practice, when the entire family shows up, including all the siblings and grandma.
Due to having much less money than the average American family, more than two generations live together under one roof. (Believe me, I see that in our neighborhood more than enough.)  So who needs a babysitter when grandma lives in the room next door?
And because they are spending so much time with each other, they don't need to make one day a week a family day with family dinners - it happens automatically. Yes, they eat together every single day.
Also, when it comes to monetary things, they help each other out. They stick together!

Now why would I know so much about all that? Well, my husband is Hispanic, and they don't live much different than most European citizens. I grew up this way! First, we had no car at all, then we became a one-car-family for ALL my childhood until I bought my very own car with 24. And now, my parents still only have one car. We ate together as a family every breakfast and every dinner - yes, there were exceptions, but they were not the norm. My parents helped me out many times with money or other things, when I needed it. They would still do it.

So is less truly better? Do you have an answer? Would you like to share? I would love to hear from you....

Ecclesiastes 7:14
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

To Be Or Not To Be.... an American

This is a fun post about my life experience here in the States. I am a fan of this country - I am blessed to be able to live here, I love my life here and the possibilities this country offers me and my family.
I am happy where I am and anything said in this post is suppose to be funny or ironic or simply 'odd' to the spectator (me). So please enjoy:

Ten signs that I could pass as an American:

1. I love how people stand up for others over here - it gives the word 'selfless' a real meaning and for me it's an incredible life experience. I have never been so blessed through other people, friends and even acquaintances, like here in the US. It's quite refreshing and has blessed my life on days when I really needed it and on days when I least expected it.
2. I really LOVE my automatic car! 
3. I can (and love) homeschooling - I would go to jail for that back home.
4. I got used to the drive-throughs (bank, food, ...etc) - it's so convenient especially with children (but it's also so lazy).
5. I really enjoy getting my pedicures - so relaxing (try to find that back home!?).
6. Cheap gas is just one of those fantastic freedoms to enjoy over here - I mean, we still complain how expensive it has gotten, but believe me, it's nowhere near what Europeans have to pay at the pump!
7. Vegan-ism and it's possibility - I had a real hard time finding any food last time I visited Germany - glad I don't have to starve here....
8. the availability of long opening hours at the stores, even if I don't take advantage of it; 24/7 just doesn't exist in Europe (at least it didn't when I left a decade ago)
9. I love the idea of the melting pot - at the same time, I love the American spirit of unison (and sometimes I even include myself) - this patriotism is very unique in this world (and worth copying!)
10. I love the freedom of religions - I love my God and I can show it when- and wherever I want.

Ten things to prove that I am not fully ready to be a citizen - yet:

1. I do NOT like air conditioning. I believe that God created our bodies to adjust to summer and winter temperatures, without modern technology.
2. I don't wear white tennis socks. Ever!
3. I like to go to the park whenever I want, day or night! (parks in Europe don't close.... - if you live on the east coast, you will understand!)
4. I will never be superficial - I am a pretty straight forward person, to the point of being too frank at times, but lying just doesn't appeal to me at all.
5. I miss walking and hiking and riding my bike..... in this big country, everything is by car!
6. I don't like the low speed limits - one can never fully drive the car to it's capacity! The Autobahn is still the greatest ting invented..... (car-speaking!)
7. I will never get into sports like most Americans do - to me it's a bunch of people running after a ball (or hitting it I guess). Sorry.
8. sometimes, I like to relax! No, as an American, you won't get it - I mean truly relax, in a quiet place, no shopping (not even online), no TV, no pressure of having to do anything.... just relaxing and enjoying life, nature, and family. 
9. I will NEVER get the old English Imperial system! It makes NO sense whatsoever! I very much prefer the metric system and it's logic.
   This also goes for the time issue of not using the full 24 hours of the day.....
10. I think they don't have enough holidays here in America - or at least days off from work (hahaha)

Do I tell them the truth?

Last year, we started a new tradition.... and I almost forgot about it this year.
Have you ever heard of the Elf on the Shelf? Well, he/she arrived last year in our house and was named.....

... but I couldn't remember! I had to go back to my post from last year (here) to find out that it got the name 'Olli'. I still like it. I got the calendars ready, but I forgot to pull Olli out last night, so I did this morning, and Coqui still hasn't found it yet. I am waiting for his excited cry out. (If not, I have to point it out to him.)

But with this and so many other traditions, there comes a little bit of a battle, on many levels, emotionally, spiritually, and culturally.

Most kids grow up knowing who Santa is and believe that he really exists. Santa has different names all over the world, but the idea is the same: a good guy in a red suit that gives gifts to the behaved children and spanking or coal or whatever not-so-nice thing to the ones that misbehaved. In Germany, he is called Weihnachtsmann or Saint Nikolaus, in French Pere Noel, in Russian it's Ded Moroz, and in Spain El Nino Jesus. So the elf Olli is suppose to help Santa keep track of those children and if they are behaving, or not.

So what threw me off was the idea of a guy having almost the same power as God. As Christians, we know the reason for this season, and the reason is called Jesus. So it is sad, to me, that we (me included) forget, sometimes. For me it is especially an (extra) effort to make the transition from my childhood memories that were so not God-focused and more traditional and cultural, to a God-driven attitude of celebrating Jesus' birth.

So about two weeks ago, I announced in my support group that I wanted to tell my kids the TRUTH about Santa. That did not go over well! We do live in the bible belt, and (most of) these women are believers, but they did not like me taking away from the magic of Christmas. What magic? Is Santa suppose to be the magic? Why do we need that? I don't think of my childhood memories as magic, they are just special. And shouldn't the birth of Jesus be magic? I mean any birth is a miracle, a miracle of God, of a human being entering this world as a creation of God. That is true magic!

I don't remember when I found out the truth, I really don't. It might have been a gradual process where one hears things at school and wonders for a long time, until the parents finally give in and tell what is really going on at Christmas. I DO remember, though, finding the secret hiding place of my parents - the place where they kept the presents that they had bought for us. Then I remember watching them through the keyhole carrying those presents, wrapped now, from their bedroom to the living room. So maybe this is how I found out. But I do not remember to be sad or anything. There was no breaking of the spell..... the magic (and I wouldn't have called it this way as a child) was not gone! Christmas was still special to me.

Today, as a mom myself, and especially as a Christian mom, I want my kids to know about Jesus first, then about the 'joy of giving', and then about receiving gifts!

So now I want to know from you, how you learned about the truth. Was it a shock? And did it destroy any magic? Or did you never know who Santa is?
And if you are a parent - when are you planning on telling your children the truth? 

Also: I want to send you to my friend's blog post from today: Beth wrote about a neat advent book in order to keep the thought of Jesus close to our hearts. Please check it out, here.

The most dangerous room in the house

As a new parent, years ago, I thought of the kitchen being the most dangerous place or room inside a house or apartment. You know with all the knives and forks, with drink glasses and the plates, pots and the oven, not to speak of all the appliances that are in this room, it seems quite perilous to ever want your child to enter this room..... until he age of 18 (or so!). The smaller the kid, the bigger the hazard.

But then, again, as a new parent, we go out shopping, to child-proof the house, especially the kitchen. They have locks for the cabinets, locks for the dishwasher and locks for the refrigerator. They even have locks to prevent a child from turning on the oven themselves, unless you have an over where you can remove certain parts to avoid that. Please don't forget the plugs for the outlets, and to always unplug appliances that you are not using at a time. Even before kids, I unplugged everything from toaster to coffee machine, griddle or water heater - just being freaked out over the thought to accidentally leaving it on when I exiting the house!

Well, this morning I changed my mind!

This morning, I was under the shower when my boy came in because he needed to talk to me. (And yes, my kids are still allowed to see me naked, I don't want to raise them becoming prude - something I am so NOT - but this will be a future blog post!)
So he talked to me, climbing on the bathtub, falling off and getting hurt. And then it hit me! In this room, everything is dangerous! You fall in the shower or in the bathtub and you can really hit your head in such a way that it could cost you your life. Turning on the facet, the hot water can burn you. There are chemicals all over the place, under the cabinets, that a child should never get into their hands. You can fall and hit the tile floor and knock yourself unconscious! Inside this room, there are medicines that I would not want my child to find! Kids are curious and I would not want to find my kid reaching in the toilet or waste basket. Yuck!


So for me, after today, the bathroom is just the most dirty and dangerous room in the house!

Of course, we do have plugs in almost every outlet in the bathroom, just like in all the rooms of the house. We have locks on the cabinets. We don't have a lock for the toilet, but they are available in stores if you decide to install them. Also we can't really lock the shower door. And there is absolutely no way to keep a child from hopping in the tub and turn on the water. But the heater for the entire house is set on a pretty low temperature, so even the hot water might feel pretty hot to a child, it won't burn them severely. And we talk about not playing with certain things in side the house. Thank God, my kids are not playing in the bathroom, unless one of us parents is in there. I also try to buy green cleaning products for bathroom and kitchen especially, so if ever one of them would get into the chemicals, it's won't be too life-threatening.

Happy Parenting.

Vaccinate or NOT?!?

I know this might be a soar subject with some of you, but I know what I believe. A friend of mine just shared this link on Facebook and I had to share with you. I watched the entire video - it's very long, but so worth watching it! It is only free until today.

Link: http://www.mercola.com/

When I had my first child, I kind of went ahead and got him vaccinated with almost all of the recommended shots. Our pediatrician in New Jersey was from Europe, so she was willing to accommodate my wishes. Once I came to Texas, the doctor here made me sign three (!) papers for NOT wanting certain vaccines. Unbelievable, because after all, aren't I the mother? Crazy.

With my second child, I listened more to what I (!) truly believe in. She got a few, but after one I actually stopped going to the doctor all together. She is developing the way she is suppose to, she thrives and grows. She is happy and there is nothing wrong with her. My kids are being home-schooled, so they are very seldom sick. A common cold is being cured by me, at home. Fevers to me are just a way of the body saying that it is fighting something - a good sign. I believe the more often one goes to the doctor, the more stuff you can pick up at exactly the place where you are trying to get help.

Now, I am NOT against doctors, at all. One very special one saved my life and my fertility (at least part of that) and I love her for doing so. The nurses at my oncology are the best in the nation (from my perspective!) and I am very happy that these special people take care of me.

In the video, Barbara Loe Fisher, a co-founder of the National Vaccine Center states that in the 1980s, in America, they gave 23 doses of 7 vaccines to the children, in general. Today, within three decades, that number tripled up to 69 doses of 16 vaccines. Wow - these are alot of shots! Too many, if you ask me.
Obviously, this video is about the complications that occur once the shots are given, and I thank God that this never happened to my children.So there is a strong lead in chronic diseases that have also tripled in the same period of time.

I think the video is worth watching. They did a good job in showing not only one side, but took different opinions into consideration. So they showed doctors that are researchers and pro-vaccine. One doc wrote a controversial book about vaccines and their effect, and today is not telling parents if they should vaccinate or not, but tries to educate them as much as he can, and if the parent decides to go ahead, he gives shots in smaller doses, and fewer shots at a time. Which makes sense to me.

I am a cervical cancer survivor. So I had the HPV virus screw up my fertility. Do you think I asked for it?
And soon after my hysterectomy, my doctor told me about the new vaccine, Gardasil, that had just come on the market. At the time, I had no daughter and didn't have to think about it. Now I do. In one of our support group meetings, I was asked if I would have given it to myself, or if I will give it to my daughter, and my answer was: "Hell, no!"  It is not enough researched! There are so many uncertain things about it, so no! And the video totally confirms it. One doctor even says that it should be taken off the market! That tells me that my instincts were right....The video says that Gardasil was fast-tracked and not enough researched. Duh.....

So the reason why I write this post is to point out, that doctors are not always right and just do what they are taught in school. I want to make you think about what you do with your children and what you pump into their little bodies. Have you ever read the ingredient list? Mercury, aluminum, formaldehyde, antibiotics, and preservatives! How do you think their little bodies are dealing with that? And this is only in one shot. Now some parents give their kids four shots at a time. Wow. I would call that explosion! Inside their little bodies.

Just thinking about it makes me so mad! People, get informed and then think! Vaccination is not a hundred percent safe! It is also a money-making machine!
If you do get your kids vaccinated, then at least spread it out!!! Give one or two at a time.

Quote by a friend of mine

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not."
by André Gide

Isn't that beautiful. No, it's not from the bible, yet I think, it is so deep that it just blows your mind.

I guess I like it because it goes along with me not liking things (or people) that are fake, or put a mask on for others, not showing their real 'Me'. I am a straight forward person. I greatly dislike lying (white lies included), to me that's a great offend.
Also, I am not a 'pleaser'. Like me for whom I am, or just don't like me. That's totally okay by me. God made me this way for a reason, even though I am not a hundred percent sure why. But he made others the way they are for the same reason. We are all different. Just don't pretend something that you are not.
To me, it is easier to accept someone for whom they really are - being different from me. We can learn from each other, compliment each other, and encourage each other.

Stand up for what you believe - you will see how many people will follow you, just because you had the guts to stand up.

(By the way, André Paul Guillaume Gide was a French author that I 'got to know' just a tiny bit when living in France and having to read one of his books. One of the dictionaries say that "Gide's work can be seen as an investigation of freedom and empowerment in the face of moralistic and puritanical constraints, and gravitates around his continuous effort to achieve intellectual honesty.")

The problem with sizes

Okay, so I went to the local grocery store today. Yesterday was the 4th of July, and so today, they had American t-shirts on sale. Great, I though to myself, I can buy some real cheap for next year....

...or so I thought! They didn't even have Coqui's size, which is a regular 5T.
Okay, I won't buy him one, just the girl. She wears mostly a 2T, even though she is not two yet. She doesn't like when it's too tight and she will let me know if it is! So I let her wear all the 2T stuff already - with the shirts, and with the pants anyways because any smaller size doesn't fit over those bulky cloth diapers.

Now take a closer look at the two shirts in the picture below! What sizes do YOU think they are???

Do you want me to tell you?

Okay, the pink shirt is a 5T and the red one is a 4T. Can you believe that? Pink is made in Mexico, red was made in Columbia. Do they have different sized children over there? 'Cos I thought they produce all the stuff to American standards. Maybe not. It's ridiculous! I mean the 5T pink looks more like a 3T, and that's what she will wear next year. And the red one looks closer to a 5T (or real big 4T), so she'll wear it in two or three years.

I mean it's great that I got them so cheap and I don't have to worry about the 4th of July in the next few years... but sometimes it just frustrates me that the sizes don't add up with the child's body at the intended age. Happy Forth of July everybody!

[Oh, a side note: my children are both well within the age-appropriate range of size! Coqui was and is in the 50 percentile, and Peanut was and, I guess, is in the 75 percentile.]

I need a break

I am sure, many of you know what I am talking about. I need a vacation!!! A break from everything.

Really.

I am so sick of this daily bla-bla.... so sick of it! I have no energy for my days, just the thought, when I get up, that I have to take care of these two rug-rats.... urgh! I feel like everything is getting on my nerves, the noise they are making, the spills they are having, all the endless questions they are asking with all their demands and wishes.... I need a break!

I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to cook dinner. I don't even want to eat it. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't want to wash dishes. I don't want to do anything in the house. If I could, I would just be out of the house all day long - I guess I am kind of sick of my own house..... I need a change of scenery.

I feel so burnt out. 

Where are you, vacation??? With servants and babysitters.... sounds too good!

There is a time for everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says:

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:..."

Today, one season has finished - the pastors of our church had their last Sunday. Last night, we celebrated their farewell with them. It's over now....
It was sad; it was a gloomy Sunday, where many tears were flowing and many hugs were given, goodbyes were said and see-you-soons promised. This season has ended, and a new one will come.

So the girl that doesn't cry, cried today, got all emotional and still feels the aftermath. It seems like for the longest time, I kind of avoided to think about what was coming today. But now it is here and it hurts....

I understand what they think - because I have been there many times. It is always easier for the one leaving than for the one staying behind. They are excited because they know where they are going. We, on the other hand, are staying and still don't know what will happen to our church. It is scary.

But God will only do good. He is good. He is bringing them to a new place to grow just as He is sending someone to us to grow as well. God is good, all the time. And I am looking forward to what is coming.

Daily Verse and a review of my Resolutions

"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions."

Mark 11:25 (NASB)

Never thought of it that way! I mean it makes total sense, and I am sure that I must have heard or read it before, but I never put one and one together. Sad, really, but I guess sometimes I just leave my brain in bed when dealing with the kiddos...

That said, I remembered my resolutions, or rather attempts to better myself. In regard of my faith, I wanted to read more of the bible - so one day, I can say I have read the bible from cover to cover. So I signed up to receive a daily verse via email - so that I am forced to read the bible every single day! No excuse. I am breaking my rule of not touching the computer on Sundays, but only for a bit in order to read the verse. I make the rules, so I can break them - at least that's my motto.

But even with the daily interaction with the bible, I still feel like something is missing.

Don't get me wrong, it's not God that I miss. I know He is here with me. That alone gives me peace. What I am looking for is knowledge.And with that comes understanding. I am not a big doubter but I can get off the path a little. That's why they keep saying that we all need God. It's true.

We used to have home groups and meet every week, or every other week, to discuss a part or portion of the bible. That involves reading the bible and talk about it and pray about it. I mean, all one needs for a relationship with Jesus. (Yes, of course, there were social actions included as a plus, but still God was there with us.)
Then we used to have bible studies for the women of the church - you know the weekly kind with a DVD and a book and homework and God. It was fun and I learned soooo much from it. It's gone. I used to give me more faith when I could put puzzle pieces together by learning more and more.

So now I am a bit at a loss here and feel like I need some catching-up. Catching-up with what God has to say to me, today. I want to hear from Him and what He has to say because I believe what was true back in the days when the bible was written is still true today. Parables from Jesus are as applicable in life today. God still is not finished with me and I just want more....

Yes, it's a bit my own fault because I am not very good at self-motivation. I need the pressure from someone or somewhere to get me going. I never thought of myself as a procrastinator but lately, observing myself, I have to admit that I have become one. Big time! I don't know when it happened, but I think it had something to do with having children....

So I think I need to add to my list of resolutions to undo the procrastinator thingy. And find a new group of people that would like to interact on behalf of the bible - meaning: a bible study group!


An afterword from yesterday's post:
today's verse:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

Das Land der unbegrenzten Moeglichkeiten

Das Land der unbegrenzten Moeglichkeiten = the land of unlimited possibilities

After living in America for over ten years, in my opinion, it is still just that!I don't think that it is as free as it always claims to be - for that I actually think you should try some of the European countries. But I believe that the possibilities here are infinite.

Let me explain what I mean by that. It is that you can be anybody that you want to be, if you decide it to be and if you work hard to become that person. Say you were a bad student just because one was lazy as a kid, or didn't get the right encouragement. Well, if you put your mind to it later in life, you can still do it.

If you decide to change carriers, not just jobs, but the whole carrier, you can do that over here. And nobody thinks you are crazy. Where I come from, it seems you are more stuck. Go to school, be studious, make a carrier, and stay in there until retirement. To go back to school at the age of 40 and start all over again is just unthinkable. Here, I am actually not scared to be a stay-at-home-mom having no carrier to speak off, at least for right now, but hey, I can go back to school, at 40 or 50.

I can start my own business, and there won't be endless stumbling blocks in my way. In Germany, it seems, there are tons of applications and papers to fill out, laws to abide (stupid ones) and then you have to wait.... Here, in the land of those unlimited possibilities, I can just start right tomorrow!

When I said, I don't think it is as free over here, by that I meant the little things that are annoying, but one can live with them. When I can't go to the beach at night because it is a state park that is closed at night, I am just a little bothered. That to me is no freedom! I want to go then I go.... in Europe.
When I can own a Porsche but I can't drive it, I mean drive it (with no speed limits) then I am displeased and feel like why bother having a fast car!?! Where is the freedom?
When I can buy a gun at 18 but not drink, that makes no sense to me! I find it should be the responsibility of the parents and ultimately the child.... but I am sure there are many people out there that don't think like me! That is okay. I can live with that.... 

Don't get me wrong, there are still LOTS of things that are freer in this country than anywhere else.... like homeschooling! And I am grateful for that freedom!!! God bless America.... and anybody else.

Daily Devotional

Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
Luke 5:31-32 (NIV)

This is the email I got this morning. How profound! I love it. I get one every day, so I can start my day with prayers if I didn't get to pick up my bible in the morning. It's a great tool.

Someone told me once that it is usually the sick and poor who believe in God. Now is that true? I am not so sure. When I became a Christian, I was not sick nor poor. I was not rich back then and certainly not now (with two children!). But I am sick. Or was. And I always felt that being sick, I became closer to God. When you got to deal with cancer, there is always (!) the 'why'-question. Why me? Why now?
So is it maybe true? That because we need God, it is easier to believe in Him?

Well, I thought about it all morning, and my conclusion is that it is wrong! I believed in God before and I believe in Him now! I am not constantly praying for my health and wealth. I am praying for my family, the hubby and my kids, the extended family, my friends, and my church. And I am praying for miracles....

What is a miracle in God's eyes?
God's miracles are supernatural acts that happen in the natural world. At the same time, all miracles are not of God. There are people that are not of God that can perform signs and wonders. Miracles are evidence of the supernatural and that there is a God. The supernatural (the not seen) of this world is evident by miracles and unexplained phenomenon. Many of God's miracles can be explained away, but much of it cannot. The four Gospels of the Bible provide eyewitness testimony to the Miracles of Jesus. Additionally, Christians have a supernatural power to perform miracles that comes from receiving the Holy Ghost.  -  according to this website.


So I am praying for such things as my own parents to at least accept the fact that I am a Christian. I am praying for finding a place in this world and being accepted by friends and family. Praying to have a third child and that seems to need a few small miracles in order to happen. I am praying that we always have a little money to travel as I have big dreams of wanting to see many places in this world. I am dreaming of  so many things that it will need a lot of miracles.....

Did you know that God is a dream maker? Here is the message our pastor gave us a few weeks ago:

I believe in God because He is a merciful God, a provider and a protector, a God that is just and righteous.  I believe in God because with Him and through Him, I can do anything. With Him on my side, I can dream of things that I never thought of dreaming. I am happier. I love my God.

I am blessed.

God bless you!

Before I had kids, my kids were perfect

I went blog-surfing the other day, meaning going from one to the next and so on.... just reading. And I had found a post that was titled something similar to mine, and I thought to myself that is so very true. I mean we all had those perfect children before the actual kids came around....

• they always listened to Mami and Daddy
• they ate all their vegetables and fruits
• they slept through the night
• they cleaned up their toys, dishes and clothes, always
• they never talked back or disobeyed
• they never got frustrated (with me)
• they never argued with each other or the parents
• they never used a binky (pacifier)
• they would be out of their diapers before hitting two years of age
• they never got dirty, or ate like pigs, wouldn't play in the mud, or eat sand

I am sure you get the idea! They were just perfect!

Just like your kids, too!

But how does life really looks like now? Well, compared to those thoughts from before, it's more like a disaster! Really. They did not sleep through the night the moment they were born. Coqui did it on his own after four and a half months of interrupted sleep. Peanut was a little better, it took her only six weeks to figure out that Mami needs some sleep too. Since then, I do wake up, either because Coqui comes in the bed and wants to sleep with us, or something else happened. Thank God, Peanut has stopped doing her two-hour screaming sessions!
They do eat fruits and vegetables, they do. There were times when they ate all of it, then it changed and it's only a few. Coqui had come to a point where he didn't want to eat any, but now I get him to try it again and again, and he adds maybe a vegetable per month. Peanut is always been great around both, veggies and fruits, so no complaint there.
They do argue, they do fight, they disobey, and they are strong-willed. But it does feel like I am having it under control. There are some disciplinary measures that we take as parents, and so far they work.
My kids are great cleaner-upers! Meaning, Coqui is really good, and Peanut is catching up with him. Actually, I am somewhat proud of how well they are doing it!
They love to play with dirt, Peanut more than Coqui, and they love to make noises while eating. It is just something that I will have to live with for the next few years. They are little human beings that are trying to figure out the world, so I let them (mostly).
I don't even want to talk about the binky, but oh well, they exist and it happens.... Coqui's was taken away at five months, the best way to do it: cold-turkey! He cried for ten minutes and never asked for it again. Peanut on the other hand loves hers and I am not sure when I will take it from her.... but she is only allowed to have those things in her bed, so for nap and bed time.

Parenting is just something you have to figure out on the job! One can plan as much as one want, it will NOT happen the exact way. They are little creatures with their own little mind and character, and I am not a dictator but a mom who simply wants the best for her kiddos!

What about your kids (if you have any)? Are they angles, too?

The Mami I want to be...

It's been a little crazier around here than normal -but then again, what is normal? Last week, I had to prepare for the baby shower at my house. Then I had to clean after it as well. Now my focus is on the Ladies' Tea that is coming up at the end of the month. So it feels like I am running around alot. Dragging the kids with me, of course.

So when my plans for today got canceled, it was kind of.... nice. Because I could stay home all day! Yep, you heard it right, all day. No make-up-day, I call it. So my face gets a break, and so does the gas budget.... (hahaha). Well, but there is an even better reason to be happy about today:

I could spend quality time with the kids, or at least, majorly, Coqui.

Homeschooling has been pushed to the side a little, so we picked up on that today, with two sessions instead of just one. I had bought books and workbooks while on vacation, and we are using them now. Phonics, Reading, Maths, .... etc. Yes, I am even trying the book "Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons". So we started today... let's see if it really works.

But after all the work he had to do, I just simply played with him. Anything he wanted was fine with me. I just wanted him to feel like I am still his Mami, still loving him, having time just for him, even if I am a little busier than usual. I don't want to be the mom (in his memory) that had never time, that always rather cleaned than played with her kids. I don't want to be that mom. I want to be the fun mom that actually was around her kids. I want to be the mom that played with them, that did impromtu picknicks on the kitchen floor, that laughs out loud with them, and yes, that gets all messy (once in a while) and has lots of fun. That's who I want them to remember me by.

Cleaning is necessary but one or two days later will be just the same. And it was the perfect day to prove that to him. 
Even at bedtime, when he asked me to stay a little longer, after I read to him and sang to him, I did. It could always be the last time... no-one knows.... so I just wanted to be there for him. Today.

I know that he liked his day, because he listened better and he was more cuddly at bedtime.