Munchkin's update

I have not mentioned the baby in a long time. Yes, I am busy with three children, but really, that is not the major reason. It's homeschooling. So my posts are random and scarce and I apologize for that.
But now to the more fun part of this post. Our newest addition's update.

First a picture from her about a month old, smiling already.

She is still the sunshine of our everyday life.

To this day, I am surprised and impressed at how much she is loved by her siblings. They adore her!

Also, I finally feel like she has completed our family totally. Here is a very recent picture of us five.

Sorry for the picture-heavy post but I felt like I wanted to share the joy of the last few months. Her joining our family and becoming a part of it has been the absolute highlight, and none of us could imagine life without our Munchkin.

 She has had many milestones, like holding her bottle, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, new foods, and finally as of yesterday, walking. She only took three steps and tried a few more times. Today, as she is a bit under the weather, she only took two steps. But I know for sure, she will be running around our house in no time.

Baby is becoming a true part of the family

I am sure you are all waiting for an update on life with this little Munchkin.

Well, I have to brag.... I just have to! She is such a GOOD baby! A pure delight and joy, and I want to cuddle with her all day long. I can not get enough of her. And when I am away from her for more than half hour, I actually miss her. I have not left her side for more than that anyways. She is with me day and night. She sleeps with me or right next to me. I love to carry her around. I love to wear her. I love to sit on the couch with her, and just sit there..... and look at her.

I think you are getting the picture.....

So she has finally getting the hang of day and night. She sleeps less during the day, is more awake and also more aware of things around her. She is more alert, too.  She definitely can recognize my face, and sometimes smiles at me. At night, she sleeps longer chunks which makes me a much happier camper/Mami. The most she has given me is six hours, and that was a night I really needed it. I am hoping that she soon sleeps through the night..... even though I might miss it at first. Eventually, I do need my own nights again. For now, I am enjoying it to the fullest.

She loves to sleep on Mami, on her tummy. The other day, I put her on the couch on her tummy and she slept so long that I woke her up eventually. Alot of times, she sleeps with her mouth wide open. She likes the swing and the bouncy seat, but she prefers ME the most.She loves to hear music, too, it calms her when she sleeps.

The kids love her and want to kiss her all the time - at times they smother her with all their affection. They are still helpful, you know with bringing me diapers or new clothes. Coqui wants to teach her how to read, Peanut wants to teach her how to potty train. Apparently, they have big plans with their little sister. I love to see that. Even though they have acted up, a few times, in general, they have accepted their little sister very well.

God was good during this time of transition because it seems like it was so easy. It was natural to bring her home the day of her birth. She fit right in, and it felt like we were complete, finally. I haven't had a bad day since..... I am just so happy. I know that it is partly because of my attitude. I am taking everything as a welcomed change, knowing that all of it is just a phase. She will stop eating at night, she will sleep through the night eventually, she will grow and become more independent. So for right now, I am enjoying my last baby! And I am welcoming every phase of it, with JOY.

My Three Rugrats

Yes, there were some not-so-fun moments, but I have a loving and understanding husband, with whom I am able to communicate very well. He has been awesome, giving LOTS of attention to the older two kids, so I can concentrate on the youngest. He understood that I was emotional at times, especially during the first three weeks. Now it feels like, we have all settled down, and this is not so new and foreign anymore. It feels almost like normal and this was always meant to be this way! I have friends that I can talk to and that are so supportive of me. This all has made this a very joyous time for all of us. I feel so blessed and happy right now.

Finally A Family Of Five!

I have been lazy about blogging lately.... or have I?

Well, not necessarily! The end of pregnancy can be hard and so it was natural for me to take care of my wonderful best friend Beth who was carrying my baby. Yes, you read it right: 'was'.
(And if you read this and can't figure out what I am talking about, you need to go back and read this post here to catch up what's been happening in my life in the last nine months.)

So without further ado: we would like to introduce our baby to everyone.

Oh where am I suppose to start? It was a beautiful birth experience that we shared together as best friends. God really had His hands all over this entire process, but we felt it most for our birth, and it was great to see so many prayers answered for us, from the perfect timing to the way it happened. The birth took place at a local birthing center, it was a water birth and our baby was born right into my arms. And I will stop right here, because it is not my place to share OUR birth story - we will do this TOGETHER at a different time.

What I will tell you is this: it was such a special moment shared together - I will forever be grateful for this experience. I was the first person to get a hand on that baby -well, technically, the second after the midwife.
A BABY GIRL was born right into my arms and I held her for the first day of her life pretty much nonstop. It was so awesome and it felt so right and good to bond from the very first second on.

She is perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes. One beautiful face. She smells oh so good. She is very strong and alert. She is also my smallest baby. She is my calmest baby. Even though she has her days and nights mixed up. But I love her so much that that doesn't matter. We bonded so nicely and strongly - it makes my heart all melt. She loves to sleep on top of me, with her cheeks glued to mine. She doesn't like bath or lotions or massages - so I am predicting that we got ourselves a tomboy. She is a wish come true, a blessing, and so precious to us. We love her so much.

Beth is doing great as well and you can read her thoughts here.
One particular moment stands out to me during the birth: it was when the baby was born, to see the joy on Beth's face! It was such a genuine joy.... it's hard to put it into words. But I felt so happy and so close to her at that specific moment. We were both out of breathe and both exhausted, yet so euphoric. We had done it, together and I felt so blessed at that moment. Blessed that I was able to be there, blessed to have a friend like her, blessed to have that baby in my hands at last. God has been good to both of us.

As a family, we are very happy. The transition has been going great, too. Her brother and sister were convinced that they would get a brother, so at first, they were pretty upset. But by the time we came home, Munchkin was welcomed with signs and drawings and hugs and kisses. To this day, both kids love to come over and give her a kiss. They like to help as well, holding the bottle or throwing out dirty diapers. At times, I feel a bit claustrophobic when I got three kids right on top of me, but then I just look at their faces and feel like I am the happiest and most blessed person in the world.

Beth and I had become very close during our shared pregnancy, and I think we both didn't know what would happen afterwards. So I really love to see that it has not changed since the birth. We are close as can be, sharing our postpartum experiences with each other, cry together, encourage each other, and laugh together. As partners, we had joined in for a shared pregnancy, and as partners, we have had a wonderful birth experience. We met each others needs and wants, granted wishes and shared so many special moments. I am very thankful for this experience.

And at this time of joy, I also want to remember someone else special in our lives: Heather. She has given us our first blessing, and we are so thankful for that. What both these women did for us as a family will never be forgotten. I mean, how could we? We are seeing these miracles each and every day! We are a family of five today because there are still people in this world who sacrifice for the benefit of somebody else. They have given me hope and shown me love, a Christ-like love, that feels so good.
Thank you, Heather and Beth. You both are special women and we love you both so much.

So you can see that I have NOT been lazy at lately, just been really busy taking care of a newborn, adjusting to life with her, and helping the two older children adapt as well, and just being happy. I think I can say that I have my hands full. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes and congrats - it's very appreciated and makes us feel so loved by you.

Two More Weeks

As of yesterday, we have fourteen days left.... or so! Because we all (!) have a feeling that this little baby is making it's entry a bit earlier than 'expected by the calendar'. So fourteen more days.....

... or much less!

Baby Center said this about week 38: "The baby has really plumped up. He or She weighs about 6.8 pounds and he or she is over 19 1/2 inches long. He or She has a firm grasp, which I'll soon be able to test when I hold his or her hand for the first time! (*me having a big grin on my face now!*)  His or Her organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb." 

Above picture is from week 36, but I think it shows so well, how cramped it is getting for baby inside the uterus. It's amazing that it has any room left to move around at all. (And believe me, that Baby is mooooving!)

Last week has been crazy. Being back from vacation, I had to put the house into order, doing tons of loads of laundry, washing floors, even dusting, and of course, throwing away lots of stuff. All things that I had no time for during the school year. You can call it a small case of nesting.....

Then I got sick, then the hubby got sick..... all the while, I am thinking: 'the baby can't come now!' Gladly, God heard our prayers, and at least for me, I am on the road of recovery. And miraculously, the kids never got it! So that is good.


Tomorrow, Mema, my MIL, is flying in.... so baby has another 24 hours to wait! Then.... only God knows.... Baby could be here any day now..... It is very exciting. I can not wait to hold that baby close to my heart, rock it to sleep and sing lullabies to it at night. I can not wait to introduce it to the kids. They have been so excited all along, some weeks more, and some less. They know what is coming.......

Here is my little girl, putting her life-size baby into our new swing, rocking the baby and just pouring her love over that doll. Everyone who knows her knows that she is my little dare-devil..... and to see such gentleness in her is amazing to me and melts my heart. She keeps saying that she will help me to take care of Baby and I believe her......

I think we are ready..... and I am blessed with an amazing family that I love to pieces!

Relay For Life 2012

Relay for Life is great.

On the American Cancer Society website, it says this about the relay:
"Relay For Life is a life-changing event that helps communities across the globe celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease."
And really, there is not much more I can add to that.

Last year's post was about my reason for walking and how we spent the night making memories.
This year, it was about that, too, but something had changed. Something was added to MY equation. My outcome was changed. Because this year, I was not alone. My best friend Beth was with me and my unborn baby.

I am a survivor. I am HOPE (as some of the t-shirts say). But I am also a witness to God's love, mercy and grace. I was so blessed to have Beth there, right next to me, because this year, i KNOW that if that stupid cancer would ever come back, I would be prepared (as much as one can be prepared for such a tragedy), and I would NOT be alone.

And I know - I was not alone last time, I had my wonderful husband and my family as support. What I didn't have was a best friend or a tight church family that was close to me and that supported me. And not because they didn't want to, it was because I was not close to them, and I was 'hiding'. Big time. Cancer is funny that way! It can break the strongest person, or it can break the weakest one out of their shells. For me, it was the latter. I broke out, finally. I became more open. I started talking about it. And you know what happened? I got hugs. I got encouraging words. I got prayers every time I went back for an appointment. And I got a best friend, who loves me and holds my hand when a bad day sweeps over me.

I AM NOT ALONE anymore. And that is what made yesterday so special.

The event starts at around 7 pm with the survivors lap - and this year, I did not walk it alone. Beth and Baby came with me, as a sea of purple shirts walked very slowly around the track one time. It was a wonderful moment shared together.
By the way, we had special shirts made for this event, that were designed by a friend of Beth. My t-shirt says: "My Bun. Her Oven." and Beth t-shirt says: "Her Bun. My Oven." Thank you to a very kind lady.

After that, the opening ceremony started, where the survivors sit on benches as the people on stage make their speeches. Last year, I sat alone; this year, we were standing up front together.
After the speeches, the survivors took a picture for the newspapers, and signed a huge banner - that I believe was hung up later - but we didn't get to see that anymore, as we left early. Miss Beth needs her beauty sleep.

Last year, I walked 19 miles throughout that night; this year, I made it a total of 4 laps, that is pretty much one mile. Wow. Talk about a crazy workout! While waiting, we were also busy decorating a cake. Which again, I had to do by myself last year, and just recruited Beth this year to help. Someone donated the cake to our team, and the survivor of that team has to decorate it, and this way, it is put up for the auction, and the winner of that cake will take it home.

We waited for the Luminarias that started at 9pm. They are to remember loved ones that lost the battle, loved ones that are fighting right now, and in honor of all the survivors, that hopefully never again have to fight that specific battle. It is very touching. Our team leader had put up two for me, one in the circle that goes around the entire track, and one in the ribbon that was next to the stage. (If you want to see pictures of them at night, I would kindly refer you to the post from last year.) 

And there is one picture of the ribbon that was a new addition to the ceremony.

It was a night to remember, at least for me. And I am looking forward to doing this again next year. One day, I would love to bring the entire family....

I want to shout out a big thank you to all my friends, new and old, who donated to the team. The money will be used for good. For example, it will be used to buy wigs for those that are going through chemo therapy. It will also provide rides for people who do not have a support team that can take them to the oncologies, hence to their doctor appointments or treatments.And it will do much more than that. THANK YOU.

A pregnancy update on 33 weeks

It has been some time since my last update on the pregnancy - so what has happened since my last post back in late March? By the way, we are now 33 weeks and 2 days along.

Well, the belly grew some more, and so did the baby. Carrier, Baby and Mami are doing great. Daddies and the other kids are doing fine, too. There is some excitement in the air, especially in our family, as the kids have really gotten the message of another member joining us soon. I am very impressed on how much Peanut gets about this entire process - maybe because she is a girl and naturally seems more drawn to babies in general, or maybe because she feels spiritually connected to this baby because they both enter this world the same way - through two amazing women that selflessly were willing to give this beautiful gift.

The other day, Beth was coming to our house with her son, and Peanut 'corrected' me that Miss Beth is not only bringing her own son but also bringing the baby! Well, yes, she is right! We talk about it constantly, we pray with the kids for the baby, and we are celebrating in many ways. Not a day goes by that this baby is not mentioned. So we are really ready to welcome it into our family!

As of this weekend, the baby was over four pounds heavy, and reached the 17 inch mark (in length). The bones are getting stronger - YES, we can feel that! And it is a m-o-v-e-r! I can feel it, many times, swooshing around the belly, kicking me with hands and feet, showing off it's buttocks, and yes, it doesn't like to be poked too much. It is very active at night, so when I DO get to see Beth in the evening, it is like a party in her belly...... it's really cool to watch and to feel.

Things have been going great. We are truly able to enjoy the pregnancy together and are celebrating the whole process. We made the effort to 'make it work for us' and it has helped me heal SO much. We are taking full advantage of every aspect of this pregnancy - knowing that this is (probably) the last one for both of us. We share the ups and downs, of which there are many ups (and so few downs these days!), we go to the medical appointments together, and we take many pictures, we celebrate the many countdowns and are now on the home stretch. We are looking forward to the shared birth of this precious little one, and to a new 'normal' of our friendship that was forever changed.

I am truly treated as a mother-to-be, and it is awesome to be recognized this way - it's like being pampered without being pregnant. And I am very thankful to all our family and friends who have supported us throughout this process. I am thankful for the many people that have prayed with us, over us, and are still praying for a continuous smooth ride. I have learned alot about myself, about Beth, and about our friends around us. When I was vulnerable, I was greeted with love and understanding, with support and care. It was a learning experience for so many involved and it is awesome to see God work in all of us. It's amazing, rewarding, and God truly deserves all the glory for this.

Holidays can be tricky - at least for me, and only regarding the fact that our family is 'missing' a member. I don't want to dwell in that place, and really, I have been blessed that Christmas was the only holiday that I was not able to be around the baby. We did get to spend Thanksgiving, Easter, and now Mother's day with and around Beth and the baby. So yesterday, I could take a picture with ALL my children.....

It was a happy day, and I felt so blessed by what God has given me.

Happy Mother's Day to all moms and mommies-to-be!

Vacation for Mami or Nesting Rampage

For the past ten days, we had a visitor in our house: Mema came to spend some time with us. It had been since Christmas and we missed her so much. The kids went wild on her and with her, and Mami went on vacation!

Well, not really! - Actually, I want on a nesting rampage......

I cleaned pretty much the entire house.
From laundry room (that badly needed it) to bathrooms and kids rooms. I scrubbed bathtubs and showers, floors and ovens, and almost took the refrigerator apart in order to clean it. I went through all the kids clothing and sorted the ones out that don't fit anymore. I do that randomly anyways, but this time, it included the sorting of summer and winter clothes. I threw away mountains of paper, packaging, old stuff that accumulates in one's house over the years. I guess, I was in serious nesting mode.....

Then Peanut needed to move out of her 'old' room - completely, so I did that. She moved into Coqui's room with all her clothes now - so that room seems to get smaller and smaller. They are sharing a dresser, they are sharing a closet, and they are sharing all their toys. I love it. Bed time has become so much easier - seriously, I wonder why I have not thought of this before.......

So the old room is now officially the baby's room. It's green, it's cozy, and I can't wait to spend a few sleepless nights in that rocking chair..... yeah! I pulled out the baby's bedding, the sleep positioner (remember that one?), all the receiving blankets and swaddles, the clothes diapers, and the snuggles.

The room is ready - all it needs is the baby!

And for those that have missed why I am on a nesting rampage, here is the link to the exciting announcement:
"Making a Baby in a different way". We are 29 weeks along....

An update on the pregnancy and more nesting.....

It has been a while since I updated you on our pregnancy. To say the least - it has  been going great! We are just simply enjoying this second trimester to the fullest, embracing this shared pregnancy every step of the way. The belly is growing bigger and bigger. And Munchkin is being a little gymnast inside of Beth's belly. We are almost in week 27 - so the end is nearing..... With that, I am really getting into nesting mode....

There are a few more things we will need to get, but mostly, I (!) need to get the room organized for the little bugger to move in, and re-child-proof the house. Yet, there are still so many things to DO before the arrival of the newest family member: classes to take, last vacations to take, and getting a bit more ready mentally. It seems that thirteen weeks is a long time, but in reality, it is going to fly by quickly. I am anxious to hold that baby in my arms, have it sleep on me, and yes, change tons of diapers. Until then, I am thrilled to bond with the baby the way I can - in a very special and beautiful way that Beth and I found to work for us. We are so blessed.

Coqui and Peanut with their sibling, in week 23

So, I am planning on cloth diapering this baby as well. I do have a few store-bought diapers, mostly in size medium, and I have all my homemade diapers as well, which are medium and large (see my very first one here and a tutorial here). So when I saw a nice sale the other day, I had to get two new diapers that are adjustable, so we can use it very early on, and until the baby gets bigger. It's in my favorite color, too: green. I also got my very first pair of leg warmers - I always wanted them but they seemed more expensive when we had Peanut, so I never got to buy nor use them. It was a bargain and I got a design that will suit a boy or a girl.....

I have not had many snaps diapers, so I am curious how they will work. My daughter eventually figured out how to open the Velcro-diapers, and stopped wearing cloth diapers all together. Her comment: "Too big, Mami." Big bummer.....
I found this brand online, I think over one of the natural baby blogs - I can not remember, sorry. But here is a link to her website: My Cloth Baby.  She has the cutest diapers. For sure, I will be visiting her online store soon again.... Her service was excellent with five stars.

(Disclaimer: I don't know her personally, nor do I get anything for advertising her here.)

Even Peanut tried them on, and they fit perfectly.

So - I am nesting..... 
and I feel blessed and overjoyed and content with how things are right now. Our God is an awesome God - He works things out for the good. I am thankful for Him and His mercy and grace, for His faithfulness and His love. And I can not wait for what else He has planned for ALL our lives.....

Ann and Beth, with the bump, in week 19

Stranger danger or how my 2 year old attracks odd looks on ME

So last week, we did a field trip to the zoo. We did it before, almost a year ago, with the same friends, you can be reminded about it here. It was the first beautiful day after a very long and rainy weekend. And after a weekend of sickness. My little girl was all feverish on Saturday and still a little bit on Sunday, but miraculously, on Monday, she seemed cured. So of to the zoo we went.

Peanut holding the food for the petting zoo

Quack, quack, I am a duck!

Same order as last year, just side-flipped - too funny!

And in case you were wondering, I went to the zoo with ALL my children - yes, Munchkin came, too. Thank you, Beth, for this wonderful trip, AND the ice cream afterwards!

The kids had so much fun. Watching four kids running around from animal to animal was such a delight. They loved the lions and tigers, the monkeys, and of course, the petting zoo. Even Peanut was 'trying' to feed the animals - may I remind you, that last year, she was so scared, she wouldn't come out of the stroller for three entire hours! So this was BIG progress! Until.....

....at some point, Peanut changed her mind in liking the zoo. She stopped short, started to cry extremely loud, stomped her foot and demanded that I carried her. Well, if you are a mom, like me, you know that you can't let this go - at least not under those conditions. So I stopped where I was and told her to come over, so I could put her in her stroller. That didn't go over so well, so she screamed louder - attracting attention from other visitors. A long time ago, I told myself, that those eyes from strangers, that have no idea what is going on, will NOT scare me nor intimidate me! I have to do what I have to do as a mom - teaching my children the correct behavior - in public or at home.

So I kept encouraging her to come over, as did my friend, and Peanut's friends - to no avail. Eventually, people came by and saw that crying little girl - they probably thought she was lost - and I had to calm them down and tell them that she is just stubborn and needs to learn that she is not the queen of this family! They gave me dirty looks, but oh well.... After a while, her friends could convince her to come along, and she came running to us, Beth and me. So we could keep walking. A few feet further, she started screaming again. And I got even more worried looks from strangers, until one lady addressed me and said: "Her shoes are on the wrong way, I think she is hurting." Really? How about she is just a two year old, trying to figure ME out!?! Or rather how can she get what she wants from me? So I told that 'kind' lady that my daughter likes to dress herself, including her shoes, and that she puts those shoes on opposite ON PURPOSE! I was reassured by Beth that her son used to do the same thing.

Now, what gets me mad is those well-meant comments. Why would you say something when you have no idea what is going on? If I would spank her and went beyond spanking, meaning beating, her in public, I would understand if I got dirty looks and concerns. But this is a crying child - did I mentioned that she is stubborn? - and she is in no danger at all. Just being herself, screaming and trying to get her way! Back off!

Sorry for getting so defensive, but I believe that raising my children is my responsibility. I have close friends that will give me advice if (and when) I do things wrong, or they think I should reconsider my tactics. But then, they do it out of love for me and my children, and usually, they have the full picture of why we acted this way. A stranger has no such right.

[Now, I am sure when there was an emergency, then I would be more than glad if a stranger would save her life. But I hope if that would ever happen, I'll be right there for her, myself.]

What do you do when you get 'those looks'?

Appreciating the blessings around me

It is easy to feel blessed when things are going well. It's not hard to praise God when the light is shining right in front of one's eyes. But God is our comforter in all circumstances, and He urges us to pray and praise Him in all those situations. I knew, while going through my tough days, He was walking right next to me.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)
I did pray and have trust, and I found comfort in knowing that my scars will be for His glory and that there is a purpose for me. Also, I finally gave up wanting to know why this had to happen, to me, and I found peace in God's presence, knowing that HE knows what is best for all of us.

My feelings-post had rendered me vulnerable to the public, BUT I would have never imagined to find support and comfort through it. So thanks to all of you that have brought me kind words, encouragements, and other blessings. I really appreciate them. I was blessed by all of you. It was a necessary scream that just had to come out, and now I feel like I can move on. God is helping me to heal and I think He is showing me who He wants me to be - carrying those scars as a tribute to His mercy and grace. My relationship with Him is much deeper and I am so thankful for that.

So things are going much better these days. Beth and I are both in a much better place, a place of closeness and trust, of honesty and servitude for one another. We talked about how we feel and what we each need, and we are both trying to honor that. Our commitment will ensure the well-being of all involved. It will make this a positive experience - after all, this is a testimony to celebrate.

We are now 17 1/2 weeks. Beth has a pretty little bump - she truly looks beautiful. She feels great and has enough energy to feel comfortable and be active. The baby is doing great; at five ounces and five inches, it is still quite small, but it has been very active inside of Beth. She feels lots of little flutters. I have been able to 'feel' the baby but not when it moved. So I am very excited and am trying to be patient for the coming of the day, when baby will give me 'high five' with a kick through the belly.
The kids are getting more and more excited, too. They have seen the pictures, have heard the heartbeat over and over, watch movies about babies on a website, and they have been saying 'hi' to the belly a few times. Peanut seems more interested in touching the belly now, which is awesome. I love to share that with my kids. So thank you Beth for allowing us to bond with the baby. 

Beth wrote a post yesterday - about how smooth we are sailing now. And I want to add to that post:

Dear Beth,
I am blessed by your friendship, blessed by the person you are, blessed by the gifts you are giving, and blessed by your willingness to share all this with us. Thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for each and every prayer. Thank you for taking such good care of our baby, for loving it and for praying for it. I appreciate all your sacrifices. Thank you for the privilege to partner with you in this extraordinary experience of a shared pregnancy. It's awesome and oh so exciting.
I love you.

In Good Times And In Bad Times

My pity-party is over, at least for now. I am thankful for that.

"I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD's mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn." (Psalms 142:1-3)

This journey is a true roller-coaster of emotions. I do prefer it when I am 'on top' of the world filled with thankfulness, rather than a dark place of negativity.....

I am glad that I can report this victory. Bi-polar has many faces, and this is one of them. I thought I had conquered it, but the enemy just knows when and where to get at us..... I know it was a pity-party, because I became self-centered in my own misery and stopped praying and became introverted, which is not my natural habit. I let the enemy take away my joy; the joy of my family, the miracle of having such a loving and caring community around me, the comfort of a loving God, and the excitement for the blessings that are to come my way.

There is so much to be thankful for, there is so much to look forward to! On the side of my blog, it says, 'count your blessings'! Well, I did not focus on that last week, and that is why I could stray away and get lulled into a dark world.

I had a very good talk with Beth, my best friend, who is also carrying my baby. She pointed this out to me: without women like Heather and her, I would NOT have any additional children at all. And even if it hurts tremendously that I can not 'feel' certain things, I am blessed to have these women in my life to give these precious gifts. They are not the ones that took away, God allowed that to happen; they are the ones that give back to me! Without asking something in return. So thank you, dear Beth, for putting my focus back into place!

With my focus on the beauty of this adventure, I reminded myself of something that I 'saw' one day during a prayer meeting. It's more like a parallel. When God brought His son into our world, He needed a womb to grow Jesus. He found a woman that had His favor, Mary. When I pray for my baby, often times I envision it inside the womb, how it turns and stretches inside it - it helps me to connect to the baby. Then I envisioned baby Jesus, swimming inside of Mary and how beautiful that picture is. Thinking about that (with Christmas approaching) I was taken aback by the similarity of the circumstances. I needed a womb to grow my babies, and God had found two extraordinary women that had His favor. I truly believe that in both cases, God 'tapped' them on the shoulder and said: "that's you! She needs your uterus to grow her babies." The amazing thing is that they both decided to obey. I heard Heather's story of how she felt like God telling her to do this, and Beth has shared 'her calling' with me as well. The miraculous thing about both times is that we had two embryos, and both took, first try! If you don't think God's hand is in this, I don't know.... I see it all over this endeavor.


Though, I am still trying to figure out why God had to take away, but it seems more 'bearable' this week. I want to focus on the positive things. Like the family that I have right here with me. Like the husband who loves me and cares for me and supports me. Like the best friend who is talking me through my hurts. Like the beauty of her growing belly. Like the joy and excitement this entire process brings for all involved. Like the love I feel from my church family. Like the comfort that God gives me when He tells me personally that He is always by my side, even in my darkest times. A God that wants to bless, not just me, but also the two women that followed His plan.

So I want to lift them up in my prayers for the sacrifices they endured in order to give us these little blessings that our family longed for for so long. I want to shout out a thank you of gratefulness to them. They are heroes in my eyes! I am so thankful that the God that took away also allowed to give back to our family. The God that hears my cries and the God that loves each and everyone of us. I am praying that He showers these women with many blessings.

I am praying for all of you! Mothers-in-waiting like me, for your healing; and for all the carriers that give something so precious, and for their protection. I am praying for peace for all of you. Thank you God.

"Father, I am so glad I can come to you and share all my burdens. I am so grateful for your mercy and faithfulness. Thank you that they never cease. Praise You Lord. AMEN."

Resentments

If you are into reading 'happy' blog posts about a 'perfect' life, then you might not want to read on. My life is for sure not boring and I am not perfect, and perhaps, sometimes, steam just needs to come out. Especially the other day. I know, nobody wants to read sad stories.... I wouldn't want that either. So after thinking it over and over, I decided to post what I wrote down the other day, because this is my life right now and life is not always that pretty anyways.

January 1st - the new year did not start with a bang or a bunch of resolutions, for me, it started with resentments:

I am resenting today.

I resent that I am not pregnant, but someone else is carrying my baby - I am 'just' an expectant parent, or merely a mother-in-waiting. Actually, on the paper work, we are referred to as the 'intended parents' - like someone can change their minds. It sucks.

I resent the fact that for some reason, God thought it needed to be this way, when I really just want to scream "why"? That question has not popped into my head for a long time, and suddenly, it's back. Why cancer? Why can I not be the one pregnant?

I resent that I won't feel the first kick of the baby. There are no butterflies in my tummy - but someone else gets to feel that. Why? It rips my heart out just thinking of it.

I resent that I can not spend any alone-time with my baby; I can not just sit in a rocking chair and speak with it, because there are always (at least) two extra eyes and two extra ears! I can not bond with it the way I would want to, and the woman who is carrying it doesn't want to bond, for her own sake! (and it is good this way!) It sucks to be the baby, I guess....

I resent that I was robbed of a nice birth story with all of my children. Why do others get to do it over and over when they already have one beautiful story to tell? It hurts.

I resent that I even forget sometimes that there is a baby on the way, because it is not here with us. I am not saying that the family feels complete, but the baby is not always topic number one of our lives, and it should!


I resent that the Hubby doesn't get any time with the baby at all, that he can't sit next to me, put his hand on my belly and talk to the baby. (Because as a man, you just don't do that to someone else's wife!)


I resent that my children will not witness the miracle of a normal pregnancy. They can not just sit with me and talk to their sibling. They can not bond with it either. So this is a fear of mine, that reality will just hit them so much harder than in normal growing families.

I even resent that the grandparents get robbed of their experience as well.

I resent that everyone only sees the 'beauty' of this process and the sacrifice that the 'other woman' is offering. I did not ask for this! I would have preferred to live without miscarriages, cancer and hysterectomy. I would have preferred to carry my own babies. At times, it feels like, nobody sees the sacrifices I had to endure to even bring us to this place. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing, and yes, she is giving up so much, for us, just because.... and I appreciate it! I DO. It is a very selfless gift that this family is offering us.

I resent that if you ask me which of the three tragedies were harder on me, that I have to say: infertility. By far, it was harder than cancer and miscarriages; as devastating the loss of my children was, and as scary as cancer is still today, infertility seems so final. 

And I resent that I have to write this down. Because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. If I don't, I will scream one day for sure, because it all seems so unfair. If I don't, I will not be free of these emotions one day, to ONLY see the beauty of it all. I feel misunderstood by everybody, so maybe this will help....

I resent all of it.

So, it's out. If you are still there - kudos to you!
I believe all those feelings are actually okay. The Hubby is trying to understand me and my feelings - he knows what I have been through. He is my light in the tunnel, my rock in the storm. He also said that he is a person that would not see the things that we lost but the things gained. Well, good for him, because I am just not wired that way. I do have to grieve over all the things that I lost, that is just who I am.

BUT I do want to say that he is right! Our joy is still dominating the entire process, a very complicated process.  A process that involves two families: two women and their feelings, lots of hormones; husbands that are supporting us and encouraging us when we need it, and that are patient. To add to all that, we have each children that need tending to. It's called life. And isn't there a saying that we have to do the best out of what life presents in front of us? Well, that is what is needed in this very special circumstance. It might just not always be pretty.

So these last few days and weeks, I have spend many hours around my family and just enjoyed what I have at the moment. Giggles and laughter from Coqui and Peanut are like balsam to my soul. A hug and an encouraging word from the Hubby are like huge band-aids. Being surrounded by the people who have seen with their own eyes how hard it has been for our family the last seven years, it helps! I love them and I thank them for their support, emotionally, spiritually, and in so many other ways. I know I am blessed..... I just have to 'earn' this next blessing, too.

A Big Milestone

Today is a huge milestone - we are 12 weeks pregnant! 

(Yes, I think that deserves an exclamation mark.)

On one hand, time just flew by and I can not believe that one third of the pregnancy is already over. So that means, I only have six more months to get 'ready'.... as much as one can get ready for Number Three.

On the other hand, within three months, a lot has happened. We started this journey with a bunch of time-consuming preparations - lawyers, psychiatrists, financial advisers, and so on. Followed by the more exciting people at the fertility centers - amazing nurses and doctors that made this a very smooth ride for all involved. Our doctor obviously knew what he was doing and he did it well - and at the end, he was excited for us, and I think a little proud of himself.

Then there were alot of adjustments on a more personal level; hormonal, emotional, and practical. It was a time of change for everyone associated with this awesome journey. Schedules had to be matched up for appointments, childcare arranged for multiple children, and less practical things had to be managed between two families. Beth had to adjust to the hormones and the 'novelty' of being pregnant (again). She had to embrace nausea and queasiness, tiredness and fatigue, and some other discomforts. I had to undergo a period of grieving, and every feeling that comes with such a suffering. I want to point out that this was not anticipated YET it was healthy and necessary to receive the blessings that would follow the mourning. (*smile*)

Now, a new stage has begun. The first trimester symptoms are tapering off. No more fertility hormones have to be taken and Beth's body is doing what it is suppose to do. The grieving on my part is complete. Our friendship is stronger than it was ever before. JOY was embedded in both of us. And the excitement can be felt in the air. Yet we have managed to bring back a little bit of 'normal' life in the lives of both families - as normal as life can be in a "shared pregnancy".

I love that Beth is sharing so much with me, involving me in various situations. I appreciate the sacrifice on her side, just as she sees the sacrifice in my position. And believe me, this entire adventure is a blessing to all of us, and so worth it to experience. It is just so beautiful, and my heart jumps every time I think about the full significance of this endeavor.

In those past 12 weeks, we got to see the Baby four times, from being 5 days old to Friday when it was 11 weeks and 5 days. Every time, we were amazed at how much bigger the baby had grown. This last time happened during our first prenatal visit, and we rejoiced when we saw it leaping inside of Beth's uterus. The appointment went very well, the midwives at the local birthing center were supportive to our special situation, and I believe they will be part of making this a wonderful experience for me, too.

If you want to check out the little bump that keeps growing, here is a link to Beth's post that she wrote yesterday. Thank you, Beth, for being the vessel for my baby, and providing it with a warm place to grow, for loving it and for including me on the good days as well on the not-so-fun days, for acknowledging my place in this situation and for making me feel so special.

12 weeks - and counting down to the arrival of our blessing.

In the meantime, I am enjoying the ride on this wonderful adventure that is a true testimony to God's glory.

Sharing a post from a friend

I just wanted to share a post written by my friend Bethany about the Duggar family and the loss of their child. Here is the link "Michelle Duggar's Miscarriage".

Bethany knows, just like me, how it feels to lose a child that you had hoped to get to know and see grow up. It is never easy to have to give that child up before even meeting it. I remember how desperate I was when I lost my two children - and that was before I had 'live' kids. It was so hard to be left with 'nothing' after the excitement and anticipation of finally having my own. It was a true loss and I had no idea how to deal with my grief and anger - nobody taught me what to do in such a situation. I was a young Christian, so reaching out to God was not always my first thought, not like it is now. I am so glad that the Duggar family are deep in their faith and have that comfort, it does make things a little easier. Their was a purpose for that little baby - look at what impact it already has made. God is a great comforter - He can heal and He has a plan for all of us. He doesn't want to see us sad, but rejoice with Him, because there might be a greater purpose for that child. It's not easy, but so worth it to follow God's plan as it is written in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Thank you, Lord Jesus, that you are watching over us.

I love the pictures they took from the baby - in my eyes, it makes saying goodbye so much more manageable than what happen in my case, when 'baby' just got lost somewhere in the toilet. I am sorry that I have to write it out so point-blank, but that is something that I had to find healing for. I wish I even thought of taking pictures. So I am glad that they did and share it with us. Those pictures are so beautiful and they make me smile. It's a reminder how precious they are.

It touches me even more today, because we just came back from our first prenatal appointment and I got to see our baby, once again, 'live' on the ultrasound screen. We saw it move it's hands and legs, it turned a few times, and we saw, and heard, that strong heart beating. It was wonderful. And I can't wait to meet this little baby that is growing inside of my best friend's womb. Thank you, Beth, for following God's calling and be a part of growing this miracle. It's such a precious gift to receive and I am so thankful.

Bethany wrote a book that she published recently, it's called "Answers in a Time of Miscarriage". I won a copy of it and have read it, and it is a wonderful tool for someone that has experienced a miscarriage and needs comfort. I wish I had the book when I faced my two miscarriages. The link for it is here: http://www.preciousinfants.com/miscarriage.htm. 

You don't have to go through this alone. There are people out there to help you!

Making a Baby in a different way

We have wonderful news to share...

... but before I do that, I want to remember why I even started this blog. I am a cancer survivor and due to a hysterectomy, I can not bear my own children anymore. But the doctor was able to save my ovaries, so we can still have children - just not the normal way.
So about three years ago, we went through the fertility process of harvesting my eggs, the Hubby's sperm and made lab babies. Sounds fun, right? If you want to know the entire medical side of it, you can read about it here. (If not, you skip and let your imagination go wild.)

The important part is that we needed a carrier, or to be more exact a gestational carrier, that 'borrows' us her 'oven' to 'bake' our baby. I highlighted our, because it is ours biologically. No part in this baby comes from the woman who carries the baby. Just to be clear on that!
So a lovely relative had stepped forward and wanted to carry that baby for us. She was such a blessing when we were in need of a true miracle. It was not an easy process but we made it through together and the result was a beautiful creation of God, the maker of us all, our pretty baby girl. And the many blessings that came along the way for both families.

During those difficult months, I got closer to a lady from our church. That lady is my best friend today and I love that I had her then and could share my worries with her. But I love even more that we are friends today and I can not think of life without her....
The day after we came home with Peanut, Beth came over to our house for a play date for the kids, for us adults to see each other, and to tell me something.... something that I was not prepared for and I didn't even expect....
... okay, are you ready? Drum roll please...

... she told me that she wanted to be our next carrier!!!

Can you believe that? I was so.... flabbergasted, I guess. I didn't know what to say. I mean I said thank you and all that, but I seriously wasn't thinking about that at all, not when you are holding that six-week old baby in my arms. We didn't talk about it for a while, but after about a year, I brought it back up and wanted to know if she was still willing to do this for us. And she was! So time went by, life goes on, schedules and such don't make it easy to really sit down and crunch the numbers.... but we finally said, okay, we gonna do this.

So the process was a bit different than last time. For once, I did not have to go through any medical procedures. Still, we had to go see a psychiatrist, go to the local fertility clinic for financial stuff, and had to have the embryo shipped to Texas; until finally Beth could have her first appointment with the doctor. She was in luck because she didn't have to take any hormone shots!
On the morning of the transfer, the embryo had to survive being thawed and then being implanted into Beth. Then we had to wait another ten more days for a blood test to take place, until we got the results that....

...... we will be a family of five soon.

We are almost eight weeks pregnant. I am looking forward to share this pregnancy with my very best friend, whom I love so much, and who has a special place in my heart, forever.

So yeah.... thank you, my dear friend Beth, for giving us this wonderful gift.
And I thank God for His infinitive blessings He is and will pour out over all of us.

If you want to read what she wrote today, here is a link to her blog.