"I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD's mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn." (Psalms 142:1-3)
This journey is a true roller-coaster of emotions. I do prefer it when I am 'on top' of the world filled with thankfulness, rather than a dark place of negativity.....
I am glad that I can report this victory. Bi-polar has many faces, and this is one of them. I thought I had conquered it, but the enemy just knows when and where to get at us..... I know it was a pity-party, because I became self-centered in my own misery and stopped praying and became introverted, which is not my natural habit. I let the enemy take away my joy; the joy of my family, the miracle of having such a loving and caring community around me, the comfort of a loving God, and the excitement for the blessings that are to come my way.
There is so much to be thankful for, there is so much to look forward to! On the side of my blog, it says, 'count your blessings'! Well, I did not focus on that last week, and that is why I could stray away and get lulled into a dark world.
I had a very good talk with Beth, my best friend, who is also carrying my baby. She pointed this out to me: without women like Heather and her, I would NOT have any additional children at all. And even if it hurts tremendously that I can not 'feel' certain things, I am blessed to have these women in my life to give these precious gifts. They are not the ones that took away, God allowed that to happen; they are the ones that give back to me! Without asking something in return. So thank you, dear Beth, for putting my focus back into place!
With my focus on the beauty of this adventure, I reminded myself of something that I 'saw' one day during a prayer meeting. It's more like a parallel. When God brought His son into our world, He needed a womb to grow Jesus. He found a woman that had His favor, Mary. When I pray for my baby, often times I envision it inside the womb, how it turns and stretches inside it - it helps me to connect to the baby. Then I envisioned baby Jesus, swimming inside of Mary and how beautiful that picture is. Thinking about that (with Christmas approaching) I was taken aback by the similarity of the circumstances. I needed a womb to grow my babies, and God had found two extraordinary women that had His favor. I truly believe that in both cases, God 'tapped' them on the shoulder and said: "that's you! She needs your uterus to grow her babies." The amazing thing is that they both decided to obey. I heard Heather's story of how she felt like God telling her to do this, and Beth has shared 'her calling' with me as well. The miraculous thing about both times is that we had two embryos, and both took, first try! If you don't think God's hand is in this, I don't know.... I see it all over this endeavor.
Though, I am still trying to figure out why God had to take away, but it seems more 'bearable' this week. I want to focus on the positive things. Like the family that I have right here with me. Like the husband who loves me and cares for me and supports me. Like the best friend who is talking me through my hurts. Like the beauty of her growing belly. Like the joy and excitement this entire process brings for all involved. Like the love I feel from my church family. Like the comfort that God gives me when He tells me personally that He is always by my side, even in my darkest times. A God that wants to bless, not just me, but also the two women that followed His plan.
So I want to lift them up in my prayers for the sacrifices they endured in order to give us these little blessings that our family longed for for so long. I want to shout out a thank you of gratefulness to them. They are heroes in my eyes! I am so thankful that the God that took away also allowed to give back to our family. The God that hears my cries and the God that loves each and everyone of us. I am praying that He showers these women with many blessings.
I am praying for all of you! Mothers-in-waiting like me, for your healing; and for all the carriers that give something so precious, and for their protection. I am praying for peace for all of you. Thank you God.
1 comments:
:-) :-) :-) <3 you!
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