God my healer

I have been going through this transformation, which I knew would take a while. Now the word 'while' can be a varying length of time, like a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. And really, it is not up to me anyways - it is in God's hands, His timing, not mine.

Now let's be honest, we are humans, and as humans we get impatient. We want something and we want it now. And isn't society teaching us that when we want something, we should go out and get it, no matter the cost? It teaches us to get what we want, which means to set ourselves to the action, instead of being still and wait. (Psalm 37:7)

But God wants us to stop "conforming to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."  (Romans 12:2)   HIS will, not ours. We need to learn to slow down and wait and listen!

God wants us/me to do a number of things:

1) put my burdens onto Him, He will carry my loads

2) trust Him

3) wait for His timing

4) accept His plan and

5) do what he asks of me.

It sounds 'easy' enough to follow. But what gets in the way of His plan are our/my expectations. Of ourselves. And unfortunately, of others. Even if we don't want to have those, we do, and we get disappointed. I told myself to only go forward from this point on. But I stumbled. Someone has promised me support, and they failed me. I expected to be at a better place already because I want that change so much. But forgiveness takes time, and so does the healing process. And I need to learn that the only one I can truly rely on a hundred percent is God!

And because I have been here so many times, I know that there is no escape but to run towards God, into His open arms! The biggest lesson I learned is NOT to step away from the Lord. NOT to stop praying, even on my darkest day - because He hears me best on that day. He holds me over the water that day, so I won't drown (in my own self pity probably). So I pray! And I read His word. I probably won't be able to tell you what I read that day, but whatever the passage was, it comforted me. I hold onto His promises.

God understands our hurts, our feelings. He is touched when we come to Him for comfort, He is our father and a loving father comforts His children. He wants to help and heal, more than we can imagine!

Jesus understands, too, because He has been there, rejected, ridiculed, bullied, forsaken. "There is not a single feeling that we cannot bring to Him." says Mr. Seamands in his book. Jesus understands, and He wants to comfort as well.

The Holy Spirit takes us by the hand and leads us. Not only is His presence comforting as well, but He also wants to show us what we need to do to change. He wants us to see that our suffering will make sense. It has a purpose.

Next Step in the healing process: Forgiveness

After a hard week, I am ready to work on our next step in my little mini series about My New Habit - the process of healing. My eyes were opened to many deep hurts, that were then followed by many bad habits. I have ups and downs, but I think I am on the way of healing. But before that can happen, we need to talk about the next step: forgiveness.

"Forgiving everyone who is involved in my problem".
Forgiveness is huge. And it works on so many levels. There is to forgive and being forgiven, to forgive others as well as ourselves, and being forgiven by God, others, and ourselves.

That forgiveness comes with a price tag. The tag reads responsibility. Because when I take responsibility of my actions and reactions, I can't play the blame-game anymore. No more excuses. No more hiding behind the past. If there is something my parents did not teach me, well guess what, it is time to learn it now. If they did something wrong, that does not give me the right to do the same mistake again.

It was an action to take control of that responsibility. And it is and will be an action to forgive. For some people, it is easy to forgive, sincerely. I could even exercise this already (read here) long time before I ever read this book. Then for others, it is rather hard. Actually the thought to have to forgive is stressing me out, and for now, I have pushed it to the side.

A question came to mind. How does forgiveness work? I mean for the real deep hurts. The hurts that sit so deep that for the longest time, I did not realize they were still there. I had not even realized that they had shaped a big part of me, a part that is not so flattering at all. How do you forgive that?

My best friend Beth helped me, in talking it through. We spoke about every step. It is a process. Of the mind. And over time. It is an action that needs to be taken; a responsibility to be chosen over and over again, until it will be done. And once that forgiveness is deep enough, I will feel free again, I will be healed. (#goosebumps)

Whew, that is a big step still to be faced. I am not looking forward to facing it over and over again, but I am eager to reach the end of it. I want to forgive, because that will set ME free. That will heal ME. And that will change MY life for the better. I can not wait.

But.... that is not all. 

What? you ask. Yep, there is more to forgiveness, more to the process of healing:
forgiving yourself. 

When I read it at first, I was like: what? Why do I need to do that? For what? I didn't do anything to myself, did I? And then it came to me, very clearly......  that I did need to forgive myself!!!
For the sins I have done, resulting from my bad habits - habits that I taught myself because I was so hurt. Habits created by fear. Habits to rather push everyone out of my life before they could hurt me again, making the assumption that's what they were going to do. I needed to forgive myself for the many hurts I have done to others.

I knew what it meant for me. It meant to forgive myself because God had forgiven me already. He also had thrown it into "the sea of His forgiveness and His forgetfulness" as Mr. Seamands calls it, and then had "put a sign on it that read 'No fishing allowed.'" And that is exactly what I had done in the past! I might have thought that I forgave myself, and maybe I forgot it for a while, too, but for sure, I went back after a time and went fishing for those sins. Once I had them in my hands again, I could beat myself up again and again, thinking I would never be enough for anybody, not for God, not for my husband, my parents, my children, or my friends. And part of me felt 'good' in that victim-role, too. It felt like a shield of protection around me. Kind of like 'Life is tough, and so am I'-attitude.

But No More of that! I have asked for forgiveness and received it and accepted it and it is done now!

Yet, there is one more thing to forgiveness.
Now that you know that you can be forgiven and that you are able to forgive, you really need to accept and receive it. God's grace is infinite and we do not understand it. I think, God never intended for us to understand it. His love is never-ending, unchangeable and unconditional. And because He loves us, He can show us mercy and grace. I believe, it is actually easy for Him to do so. The problem is not God's, it's ours! We are either unable to believe Him and His forgiveness, or we can't accept it, because we think our sins were too big. God is doing what He promised, but we are not doing OUR part!

Believe me, I am preaching here to myself!  So now we turn that around: if we are not receiving that unconditional love and forgiveness, we fail to show others that same unconditional love and forgiveness. And that is a sin in itself. Because we are suppose to become more Christ-like: because He showed us mercy (which we need to accept), we can show mercy to others now. (We love because He loved us FIRST. (1 John 4:19))

At first, I did not understand. I was still blinded by my own sin, and the role of the victim still laying on me with the unwillingness to see that this might be true. Blinded by my own pity, I did not want to think of handing out love. My self-centeredness literally screamed for more love for ME - it was not interested in giving love to others. Because that old Self thought that everybody else had enough love already but that I needed more, or any. Really, I was my own worst enemy! But even those enemies, we need to forgive them! I needed to forgive myself.

How wrong I was! How could I have expected to receive love when I did not want to show it. No wonder that most of my relationships in the past drifted apart or broke off. It is unhealthy to only think of oneself in a relationship.
Relationships are a two-way street! They mean taking risks, being vulnerable and open, and to give MORE rather than less. It means to spend hours with my God, building the relationship I want with Him and He wants with ME. It means cooking and cleaning, even if the Hubby does not say thank you each time (which he does!). It means to take care of children that are so ungrateful to the things we do as mothers. (And by ungrateful I mean that they don't understand it yet, but hopefully one day, they will understand the sacrifices we made for them. And if not, that is okay, too, because I get my satisfaction from knowing I did what God wanted me to do.) It means to help a friend in need, even when we do not get anything back in return.

I think I really learned my lesson. Taking responsibility meant to put away anger and resentment and take action to forgive and change and give. It meant to leave the vicious cycle that I was riding (like a merry-go-round) - for a better path, a straight path towards a goal!

There are still days where I ask myself how much God wants me to serve and hold the other cheek.... but then I remember that my strength comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:2), and that His faithfulness is my reward (not human failure or success, or the uncertainty of which one it will be) (Psalm 36:5-6).
AND: God has a purpose "for those sins, failures, and hurts that happened earlier in my life". (Romans 5:3-5) He will wrap them up in His love for me. When He sets me free, He will set free a cycle far less vicious than the one I just came off. A cycle where I can extend His love for me to others, to be able to give grace and love to the people around me.

Who am I?

I am sure I am not the only one when I say that, sometimes, I am struggling with figuring out WHO I am.....

I have many titles, like sister, wife, mother, friend -  but do those titles define who I am?

I am not sure. Sometimes, I feel pulled between all those 'jobs'. Can I be a good sister-in-law without being a good wife? Can I be a good friend and a good mother at the same time? My inner strive to perfection wants me to be a good Everything. I want to serve my husband as well as my children, and still be a good friend and a 'perfect' servant to God.

How can I do ALL that without exhausting myself, burning myself out, and feeling like I need to crawl in a corner and hide? (like these past few days)

Ephesians 5:10 says simply this: "...and find out what pleases the Lord." (NIV)
It sounds pretty easy, but believe me, it's not. God is funny - He only lets us see small bits and pieces of what He has planned for us, if at all. In some areas, I DO feel like I know where God wants to take me, in others, I am completely clueless. This part is a bit frustrating. Even though I know that it is only to protect me.

I am also trying to pin-point my strengths and my weaknesses. It requires alot of honesty with myself - this can hurt quite a lot, and then sometimes, I am quite impressed with myself. Usually, I am not taking well to criticism and I am working on that - it particular hurts when it comes from the people around me that love me and are suppose to 'protect' me from such 'attacks'. Don't worry, this is not meant in an angry way at all - I am simply learning that if family and friends point things out to me, they do it because they care! It is actually quite liberating to know that.
This keeps me accountable to them all. As a Christian, I am accountable to God; as a wife, I am accountable to my husband; as a mother, my children will keep me on my toes; and as a friend, I am accountable to those that I call my close friends and that I want to keep close to me.

I also had to forgive myself for making mistakes in the past. No, let me rephrase that! Many, many mistakes. I had to forgive others as well. And I had to learn (and still am learning) to accept myself and others as humans that are wired to make mistakes - after all, why would we need God if we were so perfect!?

Through my daily declarations (I will write more on that in a later post), I am trying to dissolve the negative opinions that I have about myself. I am learning to be nice to myself, and to others. We are all walking on this earth, more or less 'lost', and if we encourage each other, support each other and lift each other up, we might help carry each others burdens, and actually might eliminate some of the problems we had before (when we were 'fighting' each other).

Additionally, I am learning to change my attitude towards my life and it's struggles and it's blessings. It's a huge step for me. Because my inner wiring leans more towards pessimism - so I have to make an extra step to see things with the 'bright side', rather than becoming bitter by circumstances. I read somewhere that I should try to recycle my frustrations into something useful, like become passionate about something. I like this idea...... So I am determined to love my life as it is.

One thing is important to me: honesty. So I want to stay honest with myself. I don't want to 'fake' being a good wife, mother, and friend. I am who I am - I am many things; I am stubborn, and persevere, but I am also faithful and honest. God sees my true Me anyways, so why would I want to hide it.

So who am I? I am not perfect! Simply, I am trying to be a good person. I am trying to be a good wife, mother, and friend. I am trying to be the best servant to my Savior. I am trying to constantly be molded by my heavenly Father to be better today than I was yesterday. Sometimes, I fail.... but God is gracious - and that is what I would ask of my family and friends, to be gracious with me as well. I trust in God that He knows what He is going with me.  And I am hopeful, that with time, I will be more successful than not.

Thank you for making me be accountable to you.....

Hug The Whole World

Let me just start this post with me saying: I feel blessed.

So blessed, that I could hug the entire world right now, squeeze them and pour love out on each and every person. I truly believe that no matter what, deep down in everyone's heart, we all just want to be loved one way or another. We all thrive for acceptance, love and understanding.

So why am I so psyched about this today? I mean I have a great family, a hubby and children, and a great extended family. And great friends. Might not be tons of them, but the few are true friends. I love and need those deep relationships.
I have a church family that I love and that loves me back. A church family that realizes when I am gone and I will be missed. And that is a great feeling. My friends support me, pray for me, pray with me, love me, encourage me, and love my children. What more could I ask for?

I am so blessed.

I can't stop here, because there is more. I have an awesome relationship with me Savior Jesus Christ. And know He loves me, I feel it. I can tell Him anything and He knows me. He has blessed me with so much that it sometimes just blows my mind when I think about it. He showed me love, mercy and grace, and I am forever thankful for that and praise Him. God is awesome. He gave me freedom and peace.... and in His name, I feel like a feather blowing in His wind... an absolute thrilling feeling.

Now, I can extend that even more...... because not only am I a witness to my own life, but now I can be a disciple for others. I am His servant and His tool. And He is far from being done with me....

Lately, the theme that keeps coming up in our church is l-o-v-e.
Show love to others, through kindness, forgiveness, mercy and grace, goodness and gentleness. For those who know me a bit better, my gift is not to be merciful. I have been through lots of stuff in my life, and my motto is more like "bite the bullet and keep going" versus pitying someone. Move on and learn from your experience. Well, I think I am still that, but in a softer way.
The other day, I was able to show someone love, forgiveness and mercy. Someone that had sinned on so many levels that, at first sight, it seemed unforgivable. It's been two long years, and I think God has changed that person's life forever. And all of ours that were involved.

It started about a week ago when I received the following verse: "I will not look on you in anger, for I am merciful, declares the LORD; I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt." (Jeremiah 3:12-13)
When I read this verse, that person, out of nowhere, came to my mind. Well, after two long years, I wrote her an email, upon which I met her in person. I was able to forgive, show love and give her hope. I can not tell you  how liberating that was for me. I could jump up and down, praising God. He is so good and awesome and knows what needs to happen when. I never knew that forgiving could feel this good. Not only could I show someone love that really needed it, but I also gave her hope. I am not her judge, and Jesus forgave her already. She received her punishment. Now it's time to love her.


An hour before the meeting, a friend posted these verses on FB: Matthew 7:1-5 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
Now that was just so good to hear right before going into the lion's den....

When I was at this meeting, which started out very awkwardly, things were tense. But what I really wanted to do was just give her a hug. Yes, I wanted to hear the word 'sorry' from her, but really, I wanted to tell her that she is forgiven, that she is loved, and that she will  be blessed. I am telling you, this love-theme keeps coming back. And I know that God prepared me for this when stuff at our church came up that needed dealing-with.
I never gave her that hug that night, but she told me that what she received that day, through my words, blessed her tremendously. And believe me, I am not telling you this because I want to show off... I am telling you that this was God all the way. He had a plan and laid it all out, I was just obedient. All I want for her is to have victory one day, over her past, and be a better person, and do good.

But there is still no end to this. Because the next day, I got this: "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) Now tell me, isn't that amazing?
Today, I got this: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past...I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." (Isaiah 43:18, 43:25)

That was one of the things I told her, that if she did receive my forgiveness, then there is no reason to burden herself with that guilt. It's done, forgiven and forgotten.Now it's time to get past it and start her true new life, with Jesus on her side.
And still, God keeps going on because when I came back home today and we had a church meeting with a guest speaker - that gave me another handful of verses, all connected to this. God works in such fantastic ways, it blows my mind. She had to fall for that temptation, to be broken and renewed. Because now, she will be blessed multiple times over, and not just her, but everybody involved, including me, who was blessed to know what real true forgiveness feels like.

I feel like I got a lifetime of bible school lessons in one week! God is good. I am looking forward to what else God has in stock for us in the future. Maybe a friendship restored, but more likely and more importantly, two servants of God that have a passion for it because of the trials that they had to go through...
Am I gonna be her best friend right away? No. Because I don't trust her at this point. But if God would tell me to do trust her immediately, I would obey. It's just a gut-feeling. But I do feel like I almost got more out of this experience than her.... I could dance, I am so happy.

PS: other verses that came up after the meeting:
1 John 5:18 "We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him."
Psalm 32:1-2 "Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit."
1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
Romans 3:23 "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."


Wow this is all so powerful. So exciting. And God's word is so true.