11 February 2013

Trusting God in Dark Times

This morning, I woke up to a dark world. I so did not want to get up. I turned around in bed to be faced by a beautiful baby girl - I guess she slept with me. At that very moment, two other kids jumped in bed with me, smiled and screamed 'hungry'. What does a mother do in a situation like this? Get up anyways. Even when everything inside of me wants to give up and just lay there, questions racing through my head, and no answers but an empty feeling.

The reason why I awoke in such a state comes from my day yesterday. Something happened in my brain - or was it the devil getting a stronghold again? - and all my doubts came back. My insecurities. Fears. Anger. Jealousy. Pain. And yes, the question if I could ever change after all, or is it too late for me? It not only put me in a bad mood, but it also affected our family day.

I had a good week. A week with some normal life and some trials. But I think I handled them pretty well. I reached out when I wanted to pull away. I talked when I just wanted to say "I am fine". I really thought about why I was feeling a certain way. I read the Word, books, devotionals, bible verses I had jotted down. I prayed. And I told myself the truth over and over. I did good.

How can it be then, that I got sucked into this state again, after only a week? Ugh.... This is so frustrating. And yes, I can be hard on myself, and I can get quite impatient with myself.  So besides everything else, I also need to learn patience.

At a local church, I heard a sermon that was so GOOD! The speaker doesn't realize what He showed me this morning, because really, his sermon was on something else. But certain words, verses, spoke to me and woke me up! Thank you, God!

I see the world as dark because I was taught to see it that way! My atheist parents walk on a dark path and to this day, deny that the light exists! But I know better now. God is my light, He is suppose to brighten my day. I just don't let Him sometimes! And really, I am suppose to be the light for others, too. So I have not done a good job in fulfilling my job description as a Christian.

Is it hard to pull yourself up out of such a state? Hell, yes. Is it hard to worship God at a time such as this? Yes. Am I able to praise Him in the darkness? Not really. So what am I doing?

The truth is that I am suppose to thank God in all my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

The truth is that we are suppose to face those trials with joy (James 1:2). 
The truth is that He will "restore, confirm, strength, and establish" us through those trials (1 Peter 5:10).
The inner pessimist inside of me wants to ask: "Why so many trials, God?" and "Why does it hurt so much, Lord?" I want to scream: "Why does it feel like my life is too hard? Why does it appear others seem happier and do not have to suffer this much?" Oh, the questions my little brain can come up with.....

I've got some answers this morning! It's all clear now.... now I just have to live accordingly.... 

It's the attitude. I need to concentrate on counting my blessings! And I have been a very bad manager of my blessings. I KNOW very well, how blessed I have been and how blessed I am right now, this second! "The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it." (Proverbs 10:22) I AM RICH.
That is a truth that I know.

In the past, I did not manage those blessings right. When trials come my way, when the devil tries to turn my attention away from the blessings, I see blessings that are not meant for me but for others. Jealousy is a sin! I need to concentrate on my very own blessings, and thank God for them! God created them especially for me, and I deserve them. My blessings are just as special as everybody else's.

God only gives us as much as we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). Then He comforts us with His peace in John 16:33, and He promises that all things will work together for good (Romans 8:28). Trials are suppose to teach us perseverance (Romans 5:3). After all, nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26). Wow, the present and future look much brighter with this truth!

God intended for us to prosper (Jeremiah 29:11) and to be in good health of body and mind (3 John 1:2). He WANTS us to be happy with His will (Romans 12:2). And He wants us to thank HIM! (Psalm 107:1) In all my circumstances. So really, I have not trusted Him enough. I think I have doubted Him to be able to help me, change me.

Also, my attitude needs to change when I am faced with a problem. I need to ask myself: "God, what are you trying to show me?" Once He reveals that to me, I need to ask: "God, which way do you want me to go?"  He is the author of my life. He knows what is best for me. I need to listen to Him.

There is beauty in each situation. This world is beautiful. And in being a good person, an optimist, a light to the world, I will help to make this world a better place. It's my responsibility as God's child, accepted and loved by Him. And for myself, I want to feel God's blessings every second of my life -  I don't want to miss a single one that He has specially for me.

God is teaching me that if I couldn't trust in anybody else, I can trust in Him.
God teaches me that if I feel lonely, He is always there, He never leaves me. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
God is teaching me to have hope in MYself, to believe in me - He can perform miracles.

A transformation is not always going forward, it's also stumbling, falling, and being picked up.

(And in case, you don't know which transformation I am talking about, you can catch up here, and then here.)


C. Beth said...

"A transformation is not always going forward, it's also stumbling, falling, and being picked up." YES!! So true! None of us is on a perfectly straight path from A to Z.... The path curves and goes backwards and then forwards and then zigzags! I see God pulling you toward him and I see you listening to him!

Anonymous said...

This is exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of this very minute.