Assumptions and Judgement

We have a lot of choices in this life. Easy ones or hard ones. It starts with: Which cereal am I gonna eat today for breakfast? And it goes to: What university am I going to study? And when a husband and family planning come along, it is more like: How many children are we gonna have and how are we raising them?

This blog post is not about making our own decisions and carry them out, it's about decisions that are taken away from us and can NOT be carried out anymore, according to OUR plan......

When I had Coqui, I made a birth plan that was as natural as you can think, besides the fact that it would take care in a hospital. I didn't want drugs, I wanted to walk, and I didn't want my child being taken away from me after birth. Guess what?! None of that happened. C-sections just don't come drug-free, and due to that, my baby was taken away from me.
If you read some statistics on C-sections and their after-effects on mom and baby, well, one of them is trouble with breast feeding. I tried it for four days, had a lactation consultant talk to me and show me some 'tricks', but to no avail. Finally, I sent the hubby out to buy a pump just to relieve me from the pain I was in! Engorgement, anybody? It hurt so bad, but once I put the pump on, it felt so good....

To make a long story short, I dedicated myself to breast feeding my newborn child - the milk just had to come in a bottle! I did this for nine long months! During that time, our family moved half across the country once, traveled on six different plane rides, and I pumped at pretty much every location that you can think of, including the car in various parking lots, a Jewish temple during a Bat Mitzvah, and on the airplane during the flight (batteries make it possible!). When I did not take the pump with me, I had about three hours for leaving the house and returning home!

You think those breast feeding moms are dedicated? Well, think about all those pumping mamas! The ones that had to return to work because money is tight. The ones that have to travel during breast feeding. And the ones that had the same thing happen to them like what happened to me....... I think we are just a bit more dedicated and it is just not recognized the same..... But you are welcome to proof me wrong.

Why am I even writing about this? Now? Well, I was approached by a friend, confessing that I was judged six years ago for bottle feeding my child. She didn't want anything to do with me because she thought we had nothing in common. She was all into attachment parenting and breast feeding - which I obviously was not. She judged without asking. So I was quite shocked to hear that - because I never thought people could have judged me for that. In Jersey, it is rather more common not to breast feed (personal statement!). I had no idea that people looked down on me for sticking a bottle into my boys mouth. Nobody knew that it had breast milk in it! And I did not think of labeling it either!

Did it bother me that we didn't click and latching just didn't happen? Of course! I had a crisis over it, until many people told me that it doesn't matter HOW the breast milk gets into Coqui's tummy! Breast or bottle, the liquid is the same! And they were right. We bonded just fine. When  he laid in my arms, he gazed up at me, and we connected. I carried him everywhere and I spent LOTS of time with him.

Fast forward three years, I had to bottle feed my second child because it was NOT carried by me. Hence I had no breast milk to give to her. We were at a Nikolaus party at a German friend's house. There I met another mama who's daughter was the same age as Peanut, so just a few months old. She kept disappearing and I didn't think anything of it, until I pulled the bottle (of formula) out and stuck it into her mouth. I was faced with a very surprised/worried/accusative question: "You don't breast feed?" Well, I had to explain where this baby came from, and why I couldn't give her any breast milk. At the end, they thought it was a story with a happy end, but I will remember why I had to tell it in the first place. Judgement!

It still didn't bother me, until now, six and three years later, when confronted with my friend's confession. Now I am wondering, every time I feed my baby in public: What are people thinking of me? Am I being judged for bottle feeding? At the same time, I am also hoping they would ask why - so I can explain that it was NOT my choice not to breastfeed any of my children! I WANTED TO! Very badly. And I am a big supporter for breastfeeding.

But my situation leads me to stand up for all those other women as well. It is a personal choice. I am not alone, there are other women that are in the same situation - blessed with the gift of someone carrying their child. What about adoption? Are they less of parents, less caring? No, there is a reason why they had to or wanted to adopt and can not breast feed. What about the woman that survived breast cancer, or really any cancer, and can not or should not breast feed? What about the woman that had to go back to work and it just didn't work out? The woman that got sick? The Mama that tried and had to give up because it was too stressful? And yes, what about the lady that just didn't want to?
They are ALL mothers that care for their children. And they are feeding their children (compared to the very rare case of a mom who doesn't even do that! - just saying.).

But then there is a whole other league of women out there! Women that are so passionate about breast feeding, that they want to do it for others as well, people like me. So when Peanut was born, there were two other women pregnant and one of those ladies offered to share some milk with us. I blogged about it here. It was such a huge blessing to us. I believe that this milk helped Peanut to grow stronger.

Munchkin has been very lucky as she has been drinking both breast milk and formula since birth. Wonderful Beth pumped up until recently, so Munchkin could have God's best food for babies. I am so thankful for that. There is also a webpage where breastfeeding moms from our state share their milk with mamas who don't have any or their supply is low. I connected with a lady that has given me her milk since before Munchkin's birth. I meet her once a month and she gives me what she has pumped extra next to feeding her own child.

And that is not all - Munchkin has had breast milk from three women, and that is including ME. During the pregnancy, the question of re-lactation came up. I had tried (with pure faith) for Peanut three years ago - and it didn't work. So at first, I was not really interested in stressing over that again. Than, I believe, God put a desire in me to check it out. I hooked up with a lactation consultant at the birthing center, heard what I needed to do, and then talked to my own oncologist, to make sure she would be okay with this. We both felt very strong of NOT using that drug from Canada (that is not available on the American market, for a reason!), so I didn't take it. But I was very open to herbs and just very boring dry pumping..... Again, my dedication and faith in God (that I heard Him right) were blessed with some milk. It was not much at all, as a matter of fact, it was more like an ounce a day! But to me, it was worth it. Munchkin got lots of time on the breast, even if she never drank any milk from it - I bonded with her and that is all that mattered. She got what she needed in a bottle.

Bottles are NOT bad. You don't know what is inside of them! So next time you see someone that does it differently than you, think twice about judging them, or just simply ask! It can lead to some serious miracle reveling. Or maybe a funny story?!

Life can throw us curve balls, things that we didn't expect and certainly didn't ask for. But isn't it about accepting the circumstances and making the best out of it? I believe that every mom has this instinct inside of her to know what is best for her child/children, even if it is not HER best choice......


(And if you are a reader, you might be interested in another woman's journey of providing food for her loved baby, click here: Life As An Exclusively Pumping Mom. She says it all, and I can so relate to this!)

Chores Or No Chores

Who likes chores? Well, I am not a big fan, but I understand that they need to get done. Now the question is HOW much do I want my kids to be involved with them.

Coqui is my big helper - he always has been. When it was just him, it happened automatically that we included him in all our activities, from washing the car in the driveway to planting a tree in the backyard. He is handyman material: he can swing a hammer, hold a drill, and does part of the lawn mowing with the Hubby. 

He is doing it all by choice and by free will.

I have mixed feelings about chores.

As a child, I hated them. As far as I remember, I never had a choice and was forced to do them. I made who I am today. So try to 'make me do something' - good luck with that. Because I like my free will and being 'forced' to do something just doesn't feel right to me...

BUT...

... I do want my kids to learn that sometimes, we do NOT have a choice. The dishes in our house are not cleaning themselves, the laundry is not folding itself, and the groceries are not flying in by the front door. These are all things that need to be done - on a daily basis.

I want my kids to learn that lesson.

But how can I do it without forcing them?

I have heard of families that have these chore charts, or life-size calendars with everyone's jobs, done either by day or by month. I have never felt the necessity of having one. Coqui has never had to 'work on' helping, he always volunteered (partly because he is my obedient child).

Now that I have three, and at least one of them that is so much LESS willing to listen and obey, I might have to reconsider it? Coqui is my oldest, and being the person he is, I just don't want him to get labeled as the 'good cleaner-upper', who cleans up for everyone else. His sister needs to learn that lessons as well, as being part of our family. She needs to do HER part, too. But I really don't want to do chore charts.......

Also, I am against making different chores for boys and girls. I grew up in a family where my brother and I were treated equally. I learned how to hang up a picture (using a hammer and/or drill), and my brother had to dry dishes or hang up wet clothes. I can bring out the garbage myself, I do not need a man to do it for me. And the Hubby is a much better cook than I am. So I think it is important for both sexes to learn to take care of themselves.

So far, it worked to just let them do what they wanted to help with. Cleaning toys is a job that the children need to get done! When we struggled with that in the past, a threat that I would throw away any toy that is not cleaned up, has done it's magic! (I never had to throw away a toy!)
And when my kids WANT to help, I let them. Coqui is the only one in this house who washes my floors in the kitchen and dining room - I don't do it (because he literally begs me to do it for me!). Peanut is eager to help me with hanging up the wet clothes, so I let her. When I told her the other day that I could not play with her because I needed to fold their clean and dry clothes, she was eager to do it all by herself. So I did sit back and only helped when needed. So from now on, I told them, I would like them to put away their own clothes..... and so far, they are willing to do it!

So for now, I think, I just have to come up with new ways HOW they can help, instead of 'forcing' them to help with chore charts.

How do you folks do it at home?

Adventure of parenting part 2

Yesterday, I wrote in general, how I parent my children. Today, I want to share specific examples. 

And it is the perfect day to do so as I had to discipline both, but my middle child specifically, multiple times. As frustrating as it is as a parent, I know it is just as frustrating to them to figure out the world. So on a day like today where we just stay home, I like to be a little more consistent than on days where we have to run around. It tires me out - I can just imagine what it does to them.

So my dear darling daughter Peanut is..... how do I say that nicely? ..... testing, vivacious, and defiant. It's exhausting for me, especially as I got so spoiled with my obedient boy. She reminds me of my brother.... seriously. She can be naughty which can be cute - sometimes. She can be headstrong which is less desirable and so frustrating because one can not reason with her on certain things. She can be rebellious even, which is very challenging for me. And she can be disruptive and destructive, which usually means trying to get her brother into trouble with lying or teasing him. 

So in the past three years, I have tried many things with her,..... many, and none really worked, or for a short time only. Time-outs have never worked. FINALLY, I did discover what works for her. She loves to be a girly girl through and through, from pink being her favorite color to having a very strong opinion to what girl clothes are and what not. And that is where the working part comes in: with her clothes. She doesn't care about toys or 'stuff' being taken away from her. But she sure cares about her dresses. 

So that is what I do - I take away dresses and girly shirts. She even lost her princess bedding because of her nightly screaming sessions! It works and she cares as she constantly asks for them back..... and I have given them back on really good days. 

So today, she lost four dresses during the morning, and three more during quiet time. She peed on the floor and I stuck her into 'boy' clothes this morning.

I told her that we don't pee on floors, as she is completely potty trained, so she knows the difference. This one was on purpose... so there is her consequence.
By the time I was able to finish this post, my pretty girl had lost six more dresses. I don't know what was wrong today, but this screaming business needs to stop! I am not putting up with it anymore. 'consistency, consistency..... I am stronger than her!'

Coqui? Well, he works totally different as a rather obedient child. I just have to threaten him with loosing something, and many times, that is enough. With him, electronics work best. He loves TV, my phone, the computer, his DS and even still his Leapster. So loosing one of these is quite 'tragic' for him. And when he does lose them, it is usually not for a long time. 

He is far from perfect though. There are many things that we have to work on. One of them is that he is a sore loser. He can not lose in a good way, at all - and honestly, for a six year old, it's quite embarrassing (at least for me as his mother). (Unfortunately, I know where it is coming from - I am a sore loser as well.) But we are working on it, and he has gotten better, with lots of love and positive reinforcement. One way is to let him play on his DS and because it is fairly new to him, he still looses alot, so it teaches him to try it over and over to win more and more games. He also understands that he needs to practice his soccer twice a week in order to play one game on the weekend. So he gets the message, he just has a hard time sometimes to put it into action. Those actions get him time-outs (yes, that still works for him!), and loosing the electronic for a certain time.

But like every human being, my kids are a work in progress. We all thrive to be better people, and to be more Godlike. Nobody is perfect. And it takes alot of patience. And love. And prayer.

Why I am a stricter mom.....

This post is not about me having the one-and-only formula to be the perfect mom or to have the perfect kids. It is just about me being me and to be true to myself. It is about what works for US, for now..... that does not say that I know it all, nor does it say it will always work this way. Circumstances can change, and when the time comes, we will adjust to that.


I am a strict mom.

Yep, it is out now! I've outed myself, and chased half of my readers away..... But I kind of like it. Even though I have to admit that it is not easy to find a good balance between the love-you-all-the-time-no-matter-what attitude, and between the tough love that children sometimes need from their parents. After all, as parents, we love our children, and because of this love, we feel the need to discipline them.

So yes, I can be tough. On my kids. Sometimes, the Hubby says, I can be too tough. That is hard to hear. Because I DO love my kids so much. They are the most important thing in my life. I feel motherhood is a calling for me. I have fun being a mom.  I love to spend time with my kids.

So why am I strict?
Good question!
Well, I have this big fear of adolescents that are completely out of control! I mean lying, stealing, drugs, unemployment, .... to name just a few. And I really do not want my kids to be part of this!
No, I can not look into the future, and I can not predict, that after all my hard work, they won't turn 'bad' anyways. I can't. All I can do now, is to teach them right, teach them about good choices, about God, and PRAY! Pray that they will copy us, as parents, to make good, or preferably better choices! Pray that if they do fall off the right path, they will come back to the right one. Pray that I will keep my promise to them of always being there for them. Pray that we all become wiser through the process.

So it makes more sense to me to lay down strict rules NOW and loosen them up once they understand what obedience means. Obedience to their parents AND to God. I believe that the only thing God requires us to do is to OBEY. He gave us a free will, but He wants us to obey Him. Because He knows what is best for us. And obeying Him shows our love for Him.
I think this is the same with children. We want them to obey us, because as adults, we know what is best for them. We are able to protect them from harm. We are able to make good choices for them, as an example. And hopefully, one day, they will copy us, because they see that it works. Through our kids obedience, they show us that they are listening and learning, and that they are loving us. That obedience results into the family's harmony. And who doesn't want to live in harmony with their family members?!

Raising children means to shape them, to prepare them for real life. A life without us as their guides. And that life is not always easy, and can come with alot of trials. Raising means guiding them through the good times and the tough times. It means teaching them to make choices every day. And when they make bad choices, we are there to catch them and put them back on the right track.

Being strict does NOT mean to talk down to the kids! It means laying down the law; it means having a strong guidance and showing them cause and effect in a system of punishment for misbehavior, and praise for good choices. 
As adults, we have to follow the laws of government, so kids need to be taught HOW to follow those rules. First there are our rules as parents, later they include also the rules of the school, then college, and then work. Teaching them HOW to follow rules is very essential, because there is no way around them. We all have to pay taxes, if we want or not. Sometimes we have no choice. They need to learn that their actions are causing reactions in the world, even when that 'world' is just their family for now. But they will get bigger, and their world will become larger, which means that actions will effect more and more people around them.

So I am talking about necessary discipline that is always presented with LOVE. My kids know that they are loved no matter what! We tell them that we love them always. That we love them when they are good, and that we love them when they are making bad choices. We are their security net when they fall. We love them.
And we tell them that what we don't LIKE are their actions! And to teach them that difference is important. I want my children to know how to behave around other people, how to treat them, and that their actions can cause happiness or suffering for other people. I want them to be considerate of others. I want them to be polite. So thank-you's and please's are not just optional, they are a must! Without the 'magic word', Mami is not budging. Saying 'I am sorry' is only acceptred when it is meant as a sorry. I also think to say NO to my kids will teach them that they don't always get what they want in life. This is a very important lesson to learn! Life is just not always fair.

Now there is no perfect formula for raising your kids! We all have to make choices that work for OUR family only. What works for us, might not work for another family.
But what I find so important is that we as parents can support each other without pointing fingers of righteousness. We are not failing when things don't work out. We are just being tested - and believe me, I have had my share of testing. And I KNOW that we are not at the end of the road. My oh-so-defiant middle child is only three..... so I see a long road of trial and error in front of me. But I believe in ME, and I believe in HER. And I believe that we can make this..... to a loving relationship.

Now what does that mean for MY life right now? Sacrifice! Big time. I have to sacrifice my own time to spend it with THEM! I believe the younger they are, the more time we should spend with them. Why? To nip any bad small behavior in the butt before it becomes a big problem. So as a mom, I do not get to go out with my friends all the time - I go on play dates for my children. I don't get to watch TV all day long, because I think that it would be bad for them. So if the TV is on during the day, it's a kid-friendly program. It also means that I get to spend most of my free time with my amazing children. I get to see their first step, how they learn to dress themselves, to write and to read, how they become their own little personalities. And I think it's a privilege.
Our days are spent with playing games, sometimes games I don't necessarily want to play, but I do it anyways because I might be able to teach them something - like how to be a good loser, or how to count, or how to let the ladies go first (to be a gentlemen). But they need to know that I am there for them - especially as a stay-at-home-homeschooling mom. It means I hide in the shower playing hide-and-seek. It means gluing pieces of paper all over a pretend robot. It means to build a volcano out of clay and try to explode it. It means to dress that doll with real cloth diapers and real baby clothes for my pretty girl. It means putting a theater show together with puppets. Or putting lap books together - those are a big hit these days.

It also means NOT to do things I like, at least not as much as I would like to. I can't read all day. I can't saw all day. I can't get a bucket of ice cream and veg in front of the TV. I can't talk on the phone all day with my friends - even though I would really like to that.

I am their example. And I want to be a good one.

So this is my little philosophy for today. Parenting is not easy, but for me, it's a calling and I want to try to do my best to fulfill that calling. It's  a privilege and a blessing to be their Mami.

Dads do things differently

Last night, I got to enjoy a girl's night out, while the Hubby stayed home (again) to watch the kids and put them to bed. When he wanted to eat his dinner, the kids begged to eat something with him - even though I had fed them already. After (apparently) much arguing, they could finally agree on some yoghurt. And here comes the problem - and the solution.

There was only one of each kind of yoghurt.

My kids used to love yoghurt, and then..... stopped eating it altogether, which is so frustrating to me, because I think it is such a great healthy desert - when your kids are really into deserts! So in order to get them to eat it again, I had bought the ones with toppings - you know: Oreo crushings, or M&Ms. So back to my story, there was only one of each left.

What would Mami do?
I would make them choose! Kids have to learn how to make choices, because every day, we, as adults, have to make choices. So that's what I would have done.

What does Daddy do?
He opens both yoghurts, opens both toppings, and shares them! So each child got a yoghurt with both, M&Ms and Oreo crushing. Daddy is awesome.

I, personally, would have never thought of this! Seriously, sometimes, my brain is in such a fog that I would just not think of these solutions. But the Hubby is quite creative, so that was HIS solution. And he said that the kids were super happy with that and readily ate their yoghurt without complaining.

Great Daddy-ing!!!

What I learned on the journey...

... of being a Mami!

Being a mom changed my life forever, and I will never be the same. I am constantly challenged to keep up with the new 'phases' my children go through. Each one teaches me something new (or reminds me of sometimes we were suppose to learn before), so I guess we are all learning on this journey; kids, parents and grandparents; godparents and friends.

After the post that Beth and I had written about how we treat our books, I realized that I had changed already. I mean, before I had kids, I had those brilliant ideas in my head, about how 'perfect' things would be. Seriously, I was being very unrealistic. Now the reality of every day life with little ones has taught me a lesson (or two) that we can't plan - or rather no matter what we plan, it might not turn out that way.

* So, dear Beth, I have to admit, that there are a few books in our house now, that I don't care about anymore. Either Peanut beat them up, or we got them used; nonetheless, I am not getting mad at the ripped pages. She is getting better in very tiny baby steps - so I hope by the age she graduates from high school, she won't rip paper books anymore. (*grin*)

* Let's talk about toys - I treated our toys like they had to last the next one hundred years! How unrealistic was I? I mean my plan actually worked for Coqui - he is very careful most of the time. But when little Missie Loo came along, things changed around here, alot! She is teaching me that toys are meant for playing. If they break - oh well, that's the end of it. And I am learning to be okay with that. (After all, we should want to make room for all the new toys that are coming into the house every Christmas, Easter and Birthdays!)

* I had the same attitude about clothes. I wanted to get the most use out of them, meaning passing them along to as many children as possible. But really, a kid needs to be a kid, and unfortunately, they do get dirty. Now, I still want them to pay attention how they eat and teach them to treat their stuff with care. But once in a while, it is okay when a shirt doesn't make it to the next sibling. And we DO have spaghetti t-shirts -  Peanut calls it her 'Meatball shirt'.....

* I have learned that it is okay to need a time-out for myself. I am not talking about the occasional girl's night out. I am talking about a daily five to ten minutes when the kids are up, and I just need to sit down and make them wait for whatever 'urgent' need they have. It's okay. And I am doing it. Mostly in the mornings, when I have my much needed java and my time with God (or/and a good book). That is my time. Until Peanut gets up. And Coqui starts school.

* The things our kids teach us are amazing. Not talking about just the bad things or the things we thought we had figured out before they came onto our lives. I am talking about their character and how that can change us as a person. The things they say when we least expect it. So many times, I think I am talking against a wall or into thin air; but they are listening. And then one day, they prove it! It just takes your breath.

* What I did not anticipated were the words "I love you" out of my kids mouths! To hear them say those words without being asked - oh, it just makes me all mush! Those are the most beautiful words that a kid can say to a parent - and I know, I know, there will be a time when those words can turn into something else - well, I am not there yet, so I am enjoying this stage.

Apropos stage, I never realized how many stages kids will go through, and that there are any at all.

The most dangerous room in the house

As a new parent, years ago, I thought of the kitchen being the most dangerous place or room inside a house or apartment. You know with all the knives and forks, with drink glasses and the plates, pots and the oven, not to speak of all the appliances that are in this room, it seems quite perilous to ever want your child to enter this room..... until he age of 18 (or so!). The smaller the kid, the bigger the hazard.

But then, again, as a new parent, we go out shopping, to child-proof the house, especially the kitchen. They have locks for the cabinets, locks for the dishwasher and locks for the refrigerator. They even have locks to prevent a child from turning on the oven themselves, unless you have an over where you can remove certain parts to avoid that. Please don't forget the plugs for the outlets, and to always unplug appliances that you are not using at a time. Even before kids, I unplugged everything from toaster to coffee machine, griddle or water heater - just being freaked out over the thought to accidentally leaving it on when I exiting the house!

Well, this morning I changed my mind!

This morning, I was under the shower when my boy came in because he needed to talk to me. (And yes, my kids are still allowed to see me naked, I don't want to raise them becoming prude - something I am so NOT - but this will be a future blog post!)
So he talked to me, climbing on the bathtub, falling off and getting hurt. And then it hit me! In this room, everything is dangerous! You fall in the shower or in the bathtub and you can really hit your head in such a way that it could cost you your life. Turning on the facet, the hot water can burn you. There are chemicals all over the place, under the cabinets, that a child should never get into their hands. You can fall and hit the tile floor and knock yourself unconscious! Inside this room, there are medicines that I would not want my child to find! Kids are curious and I would not want to find my kid reaching in the toilet or waste basket. Yuck!


So for me, after today, the bathroom is just the most dirty and dangerous room in the house!

Of course, we do have plugs in almost every outlet in the bathroom, just like in all the rooms of the house. We have locks on the cabinets. We don't have a lock for the toilet, but they are available in stores if you decide to install them. Also we can't really lock the shower door. And there is absolutely no way to keep a child from hopping in the tub and turn on the water. But the heater for the entire house is set on a pretty low temperature, so even the hot water might feel pretty hot to a child, it won't burn them severely. And we talk about not playing with certain things in side the house. Thank God, my kids are not playing in the bathroom, unless one of us parents is in there. I also try to buy green cleaning products for bathroom and kitchen especially, so if ever one of them would get into the chemicals, it's won't be too life-threatening.

Happy Parenting.

Loving My Kids On Purpose

This is a book title.... and I have to say, after just reading the first chapter, I can see all the things that I do wrong as a mother, sometimes. We are reading this book for our book club right know.

Here is the link to the book on Amazon. But I am sure you can find it in other places around your town as well.

I never wanted to make the same mistakes like my parents, and yet, there are days where I catch myself, thinking how did I turn out like them (at least for that particular day). And it scares me, because that is not where I want to be.

Don't get me wrong, they didn't do everything wrong, I mean after all, I did turn out quite alright, right?

But there are things that I don't want to do the same way.

I had my children, because I wanted them. 

I want to be with them. I want to teach them in order to become wonderful children of God and eventually outstanding people of our Father. I want them to prosper. And I don't want to stand in the way of God's blessings in their life by not giving them freedom to choose.

A huge difference to my parents is that I am a Christian parent. A new Christian that is still learning. But nobody said that being a Christian makes you automatically a better parent - it's something that we have to make a conscious decision about, and then act upon it. That's why I love our church so much, because all of them, but especially the people in the children's ministry, know how important it is to raise these children IN the word of God. Our children are not hushed during service. They are a part of it. And I love it. When we have prayer meetings, we actually want our kids around us, so we can be examples for them. After all, kids will copy our behavior - the good and the bad. When we thank God for our food, one day, it will be natural for them to do so as well. If we don't' yell at each other as parents, the siblings (hopefully) won't yell, or at least it's a behavior easily corrected. I mean the list can go on.

SO what's my point of this message?

I am guilty of not following God's plan in raising these kids. And I want to improve my parenting style. I love them and I just want to pour love over them. That is a key in the book.
The amazing thing is that after only two days of just loving them and accepting who they are (and who God wants them to be), I can see a difference. More so in Peanut than Coqui - I guess he has been around my (wrong) parenting style for too long.

Our connection to our children is more important than their obedience. In pouring unconditional love over our children, we give them a safe place to grow up and to make mistakes. When you feel you are loved, it is easier to obey. We are suppose to guide our children, not control them. That was eye-opening. I am a big control freak and always thought that I needed to force them to obey, or else.... I am not saying that I did not love them, but I expected obedience. I didn't give them the freedom to make a choice to obey or not and then live the consequences. When I just gave them more love in ALL circumstances, I gave them more grace (and they were less annoying). I also gave them more freedom to have a choice.... or more freedom to be just a kid! Kids make noise and kids make a mess....

Yesterday, on the way back from the book club meeting, we just goofed around in the car. Coqui started this game "have you ever seen a walking chair" and then you give him and answer. And then I ask him "have you ever seen a floating cow"? It's just being super silly using all kinds of transportable objects. We laughed all the way home. It was liberating not having to yell at them to be quiet, and it felt good to be just that: silly. No purpose but pure fun.

I let him help me more. I mean this is something that I always tried to do, not wanting to discourage him. But we all know: kids make messes, even when they try to 'help' us. So it's hard to say yes, when you really want to shout 'no'! But I said yes each and every time he asked me to help. I did. And he was helpful and he learned. God showed me that I can relax more and the outcome will be awesome. I don't want to be the one holding him back. I want to give him freedom, in this case freedom to make messes and clean them up.

Reading this chapter and agreeing with (most of) it, is very liberating. Once you act it out - oh how liberating it is! After all, we all want freedom, and I want to give it to my children, too. I don't want to be the yellow truck (you will understand this one when you read the book).

Now, this was just after the first chapter - I can not wait to read the rest of the book.

When I am done with the book - I'll have a perfect family! Okay, I know, THAT is NOT the purpose of this book. I was just kidding. But we will have a BETTER family life....

A new Challenge

Did you know that parenting is learning on the job site?
It constantly changes and challenges us on a new level, milestone after milestone with our children being the teachers. Ever thought of it that way?

Well, before we had kids, we talked about how we would raise those children. I, specifically, didn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did. We decided that spanking was okay, not on a regular basis, only when necessary. So Coqui and even Peanut had their share of it.... when it was appropriate. Where I want to point out here that we are not just widely hitting them, put it is more like a gentle slap on the hand when touching something was wrong. So you don't have to call Child Service - my kids do NOT know what real hitting and punching is!

But now I feel like I have become more like my parents and less the mother I really want to be. It frustrates me and I feel like it confuses the kids. So I decided that I want to change a few things here at home.

When I found the following practice of discipline on a different blog (here is the link to a blog that I am not reading but I wanted to give her credit for it anyway), I loved it and wanted to try it:

• Hitting or pushing = time out, facing the wall
• Taking toys away = loss of the privilege of playing with that toy
• Teasing or aggravating = separation from each other (-interesting that this works!)
• Using unkind words = say something kind/loving

I will do some changes to the first point as I simply don't like 'facing the wall'.  Time-outs still work great, to my surprise. But somewhere in there should also be 'loss of privilege for the TV'. My kids have very limited access to it now, and taking that privilege away is already part of our discipline already.

So my prayer for today is that God will provide me with endurance to change, understanding from my children as we go through this change and patience, patience, patience. Amen. I thank my God for those lovely children and that I get to be the mother for them. I feel blessed.

Before I had kids, my kids were perfect

I went blog-surfing the other day, meaning going from one to the next and so on.... just reading. And I had found a post that was titled something similar to mine, and I thought to myself that is so very true. I mean we all had those perfect children before the actual kids came around....

• they always listened to Mami and Daddy
• they ate all their vegetables and fruits
• they slept through the night
• they cleaned up their toys, dishes and clothes, always
• they never talked back or disobeyed
• they never got frustrated (with me)
• they never argued with each other or the parents
• they never used a binky (pacifier)
• they would be out of their diapers before hitting two years of age
• they never got dirty, or ate like pigs, wouldn't play in the mud, or eat sand

I am sure you get the idea! They were just perfect!

Just like your kids, too!

But how does life really looks like now? Well, compared to those thoughts from before, it's more like a disaster! Really. They did not sleep through the night the moment they were born. Coqui did it on his own after four and a half months of interrupted sleep. Peanut was a little better, it took her only six weeks to figure out that Mami needs some sleep too. Since then, I do wake up, either because Coqui comes in the bed and wants to sleep with us, or something else happened. Thank God, Peanut has stopped doing her two-hour screaming sessions!
They do eat fruits and vegetables, they do. There were times when they ate all of it, then it changed and it's only a few. Coqui had come to a point where he didn't want to eat any, but now I get him to try it again and again, and he adds maybe a vegetable per month. Peanut is always been great around both, veggies and fruits, so no complaint there.
They do argue, they do fight, they disobey, and they are strong-willed. But it does feel like I am having it under control. There are some disciplinary measures that we take as parents, and so far they work.
My kids are great cleaner-upers! Meaning, Coqui is really good, and Peanut is catching up with him. Actually, I am somewhat proud of how well they are doing it!
They love to play with dirt, Peanut more than Coqui, and they love to make noises while eating. It is just something that I will have to live with for the next few years. They are little human beings that are trying to figure out the world, so I let them (mostly).
I don't even want to talk about the binky, but oh well, they exist and it happens.... Coqui's was taken away at five months, the best way to do it: cold-turkey! He cried for ten minutes and never asked for it again. Peanut on the other hand loves hers and I am not sure when I will take it from her.... but she is only allowed to have those things in her bed, so for nap and bed time.

Parenting is just something you have to figure out on the job! One can plan as much as one want, it will NOT happen the exact way. They are little creatures with their own little mind and character, and I am not a dictator but a mom who simply wants the best for her kiddos!

What about your kids (if you have any)? Are they angles, too?

The Mami I want to be...

It's been a little crazier around here than normal -but then again, what is normal? Last week, I had to prepare for the baby shower at my house. Then I had to clean after it as well. Now my focus is on the Ladies' Tea that is coming up at the end of the month. So it feels like I am running around alot. Dragging the kids with me, of course.

So when my plans for today got canceled, it was kind of.... nice. Because I could stay home all day! Yep, you heard it right, all day. No make-up-day, I call it. So my face gets a break, and so does the gas budget.... (hahaha). Well, but there is an even better reason to be happy about today:

I could spend quality time with the kids, or at least, majorly, Coqui.

Homeschooling has been pushed to the side a little, so we picked up on that today, with two sessions instead of just one. I had bought books and workbooks while on vacation, and we are using them now. Phonics, Reading, Maths, .... etc. Yes, I am even trying the book "Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons". So we started today... let's see if it really works.

But after all the work he had to do, I just simply played with him. Anything he wanted was fine with me. I just wanted him to feel like I am still his Mami, still loving him, having time just for him, even if I am a little busier than usual. I don't want to be the mom (in his memory) that had never time, that always rather cleaned than played with her kids. I don't want to be that mom. I want to be the fun mom that actually was around her kids. I want to be the mom that played with them, that did impromtu picknicks on the kitchen floor, that laughs out loud with them, and yes, that gets all messy (once in a while) and has lots of fun. That's who I want them to remember me by.

Cleaning is necessary but one or two days later will be just the same. And it was the perfect day to prove that to him. 
Even at bedtime, when he asked me to stay a little longer, after I read to him and sang to him, I did. It could always be the last time... no-one knows.... so I just wanted to be there for him. Today.

I know that he liked his day, because he listened better and he was more cuddly at bedtime.

Bad Girl

So today's post on Facebook was something like this: "Today, I am not a big fan of my daughter."

Oh yes. This is true. She is amazing at pushing ALL my buttons. You tell her not to do something and she has to go back again and again. I know this is part of this stage. Coqui did some of it, too. BUT he stopped after getting his hands slapped once or twice. He really did. It's not my bad memory. Her? Not at all. She keeps going. And sometimes, she does it looking at you (or in that case me), smiling. Now there you know that she knows better but chooses to do it anyway....

It's so frustrating.

So today, it just seemed to be a little more than usual. Pushing my buttons all day long. For instance, throwing a fit because I want to feed her her morning cereal. Dumping her lunch, plate and all, on the floor because, I guess, she didn't like it. Getting into her brother's draws and pulling out all his clothes. Screaming inside the store over and over, even after being told not to. Touching shoes constantly. (And I mean, shoes are just so filthy!) Etc.... etc.....etc.....
But to top ALL that off, tonight, she pulled off her dirty diaper. After dinner, I had to still make the hubby's dinner who came late from work. So the kids were playing downstairs, and I had to step outside to get the food form the grill. In that instance, she pulled off her poopie diaper and smeared it all over the kitchen floor. Now there, I was mad!!! I was enraged! And I had to spank her for that. After that, I dropped her into the tub and washed her. And then we had an hour of somewhat normality, until she went to bed.

Now, please, someone, explain to me why??? Why is she not listening? Why is she choosing punishment over complying? Why did God think I needed her to be like this?Is because I can pay less attention to her because there are two of them now? Or is it just her? Why does she think this is funny?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her! I love her with all my heart. I wanted her and I still want her. I just also want her to listen! So we can have fun!!! Together! Not just Coqui and me.

So I guess my prayer for tonight is that tomorrow will be a better day! Amen.

Raising Godly Tomatoes

Edit 1: I started writing this post a LONG time ago, so it is written in sections. Please forgive.

I don't remember where I found it first, so I am sorry if I can't give that person the credit they deserve. I put the link in my bookmarks, hoping to get back to it later, but of course, that never happened. Then later, when checking out more and new blogs, I stumbled upon this link again. Still, I didn't bookmark it right away before clicking somewhere else. I am sure you know how it is, one thing leads to another and you spend an hour in the blogging scene. Finally, I read another blog that had just dedicated her parenting to this concept called 'Raising Godly Tomatoes'. I was intrigued at once..... and started reading, again. And this time, the entire blog. I bookmarked it - so here it is: http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

And I totally loved it!!! It sounded so right. Some of the stuff, I am doing already. Like never letting bad behavior go by, but addressing it right away, and 'punishing' it right away. In moderation! So I have to work on some of that. But I like the idea of simply using obeying as a parenting style. After all, that is the one thing God asks us to do. And that is also the one thing that most adults have a problem with.

Edit 2: I wrote this a while ago, never got back to finishing the blog post.... now here I am, probably six months later, and re-read some of the things this lady mentioned on her blog - which by the way, is a book as well. I am not a hundred percent sure on it anymore! My friend keeps saying: every mom (or dad), and family, has her own parenting style. We all have to figure things out, sometimes on the fly, as it occurs. I don't agree with the physical punishment by this lady. Don't get me wrong, I am not against a "slap" here and there, but not constantly. I am more for the "pouring love over your children"! Giving them choices, where making good ones will be praised and making bad ones will be followed by consequences. AND simply being a good example. After all, the kids are mostly just copying us and our behavior as parents. My friend, again, used me as an example just recently: I must have told her that I read in front of my children. Yes, I am ignoring them!? No, no!!! But I believe they need to play on their own, in order to deal with boredom, and in order to communicate with each other without an adult intervening all the time. So I read. A couple of lines only sometime; sometimes I get to read a whole page. But I want to show them HOW much I love reading and maybe they will copy me one day and pick up on the reading habit. I find it so important, and unfortunately, in this society, it seems to fade away.....

So check it out for yourself, think about it, and apply whatever YOU feel comfortable with!

Also I would love to hear what you think about this approach.

more about potty training

Yesterday, I just wanted to share my excitement.... we went Number 1 again this morning, now I just have to watch out for the big one....

But I wanted to share some helpful tips that really worked well for me and us. Our neighbor started the training very early on with her little daughter. CDing is once again a big plus there (at least I think). But what she did was putting a small potty in the back of her truck, so when they were out and about, she could go on the potty at any time. Because I think one of the big things during the training time is going out and have a toddler that is not fully trained use a public bathroom (ugh!). It is pure horror to me - as I try to avoid using one for myself whenever possible. What a germ bank - and definitely not a place to bring your kiddos....

That was a huge help to us! Whenever we went out, I would put him on the potty BEFORE entering a store..... Or when we were driving, I would hear a 'scream' from the back: "Mami, potty." That was my clue to pull over as quick as possible and stop the car and take him out. It worked very well, he never went into the seat.... I am sure another horror picture for some parents out there.

Also, I bought these public toilet covers, big size, that go over the edge of the big potty, so when your toddler sits on it and has his (or her) legs hanging over, it doesn't get all the germs on the clothes....

So I hope it will help some of you. Diapers are expensive and they are big landfill fillers! So for your sake and the environmental one.... go ahead, it's not that hard.... And of course, I am praying that my little girl will be a big cooperator for this as well....

Potty Training

I grew up in an environment where everybody (?) potty trained very early on - at least that is what I constantly heard. Today, I am not that sure anymore how true that is...
Then I came to America where this subject is handled quite differently. One approach is 'don't push the child' and the other, well I am not so sure. I can only speak for the things that I have seen. So I knew I wanted to get my first child out of diapers rather sooner than later, but with lots of encouragement rather than the push of having-to-do-so. So I started to put him on the potty at around 11 months, and he responded very well to it. Two months later, I got my diagnosis and my surgery, so there was no more potty training. Once I was able, again, to take care of him by myself, he had totally forgot everything and even refused to cooperate....

Well, finally by the age of 2 1/2 years, he got the Number 1 down - just a few accidents during the day, very seldom a full blown one in his pants. But he refused to go Number 2 on the potty. He would hold it for days if I did not put a diaper on him, and once I did, he went right away.... so I knew he knows how to control himself. When we came to Jersey to await the birth of our blessing, grandma helped with getting rid of that 'control' and he finally was potty trained - no more diapers during the day! He is still to this day wearing one at night - which I hate so much!!! It totally irritates me. But what can I do? It seems he waits all day to pi in his diaper all night long - it is so heavy in the morning, it practically hangs between his knees.

So having lived with this for the past three and a half years, I knew I did not want to make those same mistakes. CDing is helping most definitely, as Peanut does not like the feeling of that wet cloth on her skin. I am telling you, those Huggies can hold tons of stuff, it's amazing. Recently, I have the thought of just putting her on the potty and see what happens.... and it worked the first try!

Here is a picture from the very first time:

What an encouragement! She went Number 2. Yeah. She is a little more predictable than Coqui ever was because she only goes once a day. You can see how she pushes, so that is my clue to run her to the potty. She did it again two days later. (May I add that she is not even sitting on her own yet.) I am so proud of myself. Yesterday, we only got Number 1 but today we caught both again! I am so excited....

Something to think about

I recently had discussions with different people about the same thing: how do you teach your toddler / kiddo to make good decisions? Or do you do it at all?

I told you that Coqui is not taking any naps anymore... yes so sad - more for me than for him, I reckon. But I still have him take some quiet time by himself in his room. Since we did sleep training a long time ago, he falls asleep with a door that is only leaning, not closed. It was just quieter to check on him, or to leave his room after he had fallen asleep. When we go to bed at night, we always open the kids' doors all the way. So for Coqui, who is sleeping in a toddler bed, can leave his room at any time and come see us, like when having a bad dream or when it is thundering outside and he is afraid.

Now for quiet time, the door is leaning as well.... so my toddler can come out... which, of course, he does quite frequently, like for questions or for potty time.... I don't mind but I tell him how many more minutes he has.... Well, it has gone so far that he came out every five minutes to check the time.... AND that was enough for Mami! So I told him that he needs to stay put for thirty minutes! And if he comes out, he will lose privileges! The very first thing that goes is the TV, of course! And then other things, like favorite toys and such....

We feel that it is very important to teach him to make GOOD decisions on his own. And when, and if, he decides not to obey that there will be consequences. Just like in real life.

Now my discussions were with parents that rather lock their kids in their room, not given them the chance to make their own decisions. What do you think? What do you do with your own children (if you have any)?

Siblings

I am still amazed at how different two kids with the same (?) gens can be.... Seriously!
While I do remember that Coqui was pretty colicky, he never screamed for no reason! Either he was hungry, wet, or in pain. And it only lasted for about 2 months. Since then, he has been the sunshine of my life, brightens each and every day, and when I feel down I just have to look at my happy silly boy to feel better!!!
Now having a girl (and heard some stuff said about girls), I am not that enthusiastic. I mean I love her, and pray that this is just the beginning, and she needs to find her way in life.... but she seems to scream for no reason. I just fed her, changed her diaper, and she still screams. And it is NOT that pain scream. She doesn't burp alot, she doesn't poop alot, she doesn't do anything LIKE Coqui... it is amazing, and a bit frustrating. She also doesn't want to sleep anywhere else BUT my bed, preferably in my arms, or right next to me with our cheeks touching! It is great bonding time, and I do hope that she'll be a bigger hugger and cuddler than Coqui was and is.

I do like that they are different, it is just harder to adjust. I love them both. And I guess it is kind of cool to have a boy and a girl, so as a mom, you do it all! We never stop learning, right?
Thanks.