14 April 2013

Attitude change or more trust?

Now that I am writing about this book I read a while ago, a book that opened my eyes significantly, I had to face many realities, and I had to make a choice of wanting to be healed. Since then I have read a dozen other books on all the same issue: how to train my mind to reprogram my thinking that affects my actions. But at the end of each day, after reading and agreeing, I am sitting here, asking myself, HOW do I do it?

When a situation arises, that is not positive in any way, how can I change my thoughts to make it look more positive?
My mind keeps refusing to lie to myself..... I am not some machine that can easily be reprogrammed with hitting a few buttons. If the water is blue, I can not make myself believe that it is green! I don't know how I could do that.....

I agree that when something bad happens, there is no need to flip out, slam doors, threaten to take all the kids' toys away, and such..... No need. But facing reality, isn't that what God would want us to do? I know that our reality is only a glimpse of God's entire reality about our universe. I know that I can only see a part of what God is planning in the big picture. I understand that my attitude still needs to be a good attitude.

Maybe it is not a question of attitude after all. Could it be that it is a trust question? Am I really trusting God in the middle of my storm? Can He fix me?

Looking at it from that angle, I agree more with it than pretending to change my mind when I don't believe in it. But I can make the choice to believe God, and to trust Him. I can let go of my control over the matter, even with some attitude, but I can let go! Yes, I can do that. I can believe that He is simply not done with renewing me. Other people gave up on me many times over, but God will not. He has the perseverance and the unconditional love that it will take to accomplish His will.

I can believe that God works out everything for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). Every 'bad' situation in our eyes is a teachable moment in His eyes. He is the teacher and I have alot to learn. I believe that I can be open to the teaching and learning, to becoming stronger and more faithful. I am open and can not wait to meet the person that God wants me to be!

It's hard to give up control - I had to learn to have control of my life since a very early age, making my own decisions, bad ones and good ones. It was and is my survival mode. But it was also exhausting, to be my own boss for too many years. It is time to let go of that control. Now I am laying it down, to the feet of my Lord and Savior, to take the steering wheel of my life. I trust that He will never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

My mind is truly a battlefield sometimes and so confusing. I have a hard time realizing what are my thoughts and what is God's truth. I wish I could jump into the bible and devour every word of it to truly know what God's truth is and what is not. I guess in the meantime, it is good to read as much as I can, to spend precious time with Jesus and praying and asking for answers. I have gotten a few answers, and they were great. They have given me some freedom, but also made me more hungry for more answers and more truth.

This fight is truly exhausting. In my mind and for my body. I am so tired but I know that I have to press on to see results. I am committed and I am thanking God for giving me the gift of perseverance and endurance. I thank Him for loving me the way I am. I thank Him for believing in me to get better. I thank Him for never giving up. For catching me when I fall. I thank Him for the hunger and thirst I have to read all these books. For comforting me in my worst moments. And lastly, for the hope He instills in me constantly.