Day 96: Blessings from Friends

This morning, I spoke at our Women's ministry meeting. I am not a born public speaker, but God had put this one theme on my heart that I wanted to share with my ladies at church. So I needed to overcome that fear of speaking in front of a group for the sake of a message that needed to be heard. My teaching was on Intentional Friendships. God wants us to be in relationships with the people around us. We need to learn to trust and rely on friends, as they can enrich our lives so tremendously. Friends can broaden our horizon, they can give us love, respect, and acceptance, but they also can lend us a helping hand when we are in need of practical help. Most of all, they can counsel us as only those iron-sharpens-iron-friends can do, in speaking the truth with love and grace, so that we can grow in our faith. Our diverse friends compliment us, as God created us all as individuals, so we need to embrace our differences. It was a good speech and I think I made a few ladies think.

I loved that I had a special guest, too. It made it more meaningful. And I felt supported by her. Thank you for being there. Forgiveness is a great healer and I love that I was able to learn to forgive and to be forgiven. God is so good. And I am excited for the future.
And the kids didn't mind going to church either, as they got to play with their friends. Here is Munchkin having fun instead of crying (going to church is not her favorite thing of the week).

God is all you need!

I did not want to be strong.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be vigorous, tough, and courageous.

Neither did I know how capable I really was.

Lately, I have had a few people come up to me and say things like "I admire your strength" or "I envy your faith" and even "You are an inspiration".

Believe me, when I think of myself, I do not see any of this! And yet, I have to admit, there is a certain strength inside of me that I never knew I had before - and may it merely be my survival mode. I am a fighter, and not a person to be known to give up (easily). I CAN endure.

Though as nice as these compliments are - and they do feel good - I can not take in the praise for something I did not do myself! It was only with God and through Him that I am where I am today. God only gives us what we can handle, even when we think we can't take it any longer. He knows better. And He rewards us when we follow His lead.

Am I really stronger? Or have I simply learned to lean on God - more? I think what is bigger is my faith, not my tenacity or perseverance. I KNOW I can rely on my Savior for anything. My world might get shaken up, but my Rock will be the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38), and He won't give me anything that I am not able to withstand.

God was my hope in my darkest times. He saved my life, and today, I can 'claim' to be a survivor. He helped me to turn my anger into faith, in Him. He healed me physically and emotionally. It was a long road, and I do expect to fall back once in a while, but I also know that I will bounce back to the truth, God's truth. I surrendered and entrusted my life back into His hands, and I am very comfortable with that.

So I guess God made me stronger. He transformed me into a confident woman that desires to bless others. I have more courage to follow my dreams. I dare to be bolder about my faith. I believe that I am a little wiser, at least in my knowledge to cherish each and every day and not to waste life with foolishness. And if I lose all of the above, I am certain that I will always have HOPE!

If YOU are at a point in your life where it seems that you can't go on, that there is not an ounce of strength left inside your body to carry on - stop! Stop, get down on your knees, surrender, and let God carry YOU! It is a wonderful experience. Once He has picked you up, it will bring you joy; the joy of sharing His glory, and be a testimony to others.

God can do so much for YOU. God loves you. He delivers you from your trouble and lifts you up. He is satisfying. He brings peace, hope, and happiness. It's pleasing to please Him and others. It fulfills and gives a purpose.
God is all you need.

Hurt and Healing

A cut.

Hurts.

A lot.

Here I am. Still shook up and not quite as steady on my feet as I want to be (but sure try to look like!).

Hurt is 'funny' in the way that it makes us withdraw from the outer world when our inside wants to explode.....

Loosing something or someone that meant alot to us is hard. Love just doesn't stop overnight.

Grieve has to happen and it should happen. So take your time.

Walk through each step as they are described in four phases by C.M. Parkes in Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life:

1. Numbness with denial, distress, and anger
2. Yearning for that which is lost
3. Disorganization with despair
4. Reorganization

I had to grieve so many times already, one should think I am an expert by now. But when tragedy strikes, especially unexpectedly, we are never prepared and the blow usually hits one way or another, hard or soft.

We fall. We scream. We imagine. We feel guilty. Our faith shakes. And we wonder if we will ever be happy again.

But we will get back up. We do stop crying. We hope for a better future. Guilt subsides. And happiness returns as well. 

A strong faith will make it possible to go through life's hardships, unshaken. Though at that very moment, we want to be everything else but strong.
(At least, I feel that way.)

How to get back up?

With God all things are possible. Where God is, there is hope. We need to believe that whatever happened did so with God's permission. And we need to trust God that He knows what is best for us. Do not doubt Him. Read His word to stay connected, when no other word comforts. He keeps His promises, always.

So I am back! Step Five: Accepted and pushed to the 'past' file. A new chapter started and I am ready for whatever God has for me and my family. I am feeling blessed with what I have. 

"As for God, His way is perfect... He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him." 2 Samuel 22:31 (NIV)

Low self-esteem part 2

In part one, we talked about the damage that low self-esteem can cause to oneself. Let's talk about what it does to our relationships, with God and with others.

The author of the book says that "satan uses your nagging sense of inferiority and inadequacy to isolate you. For the commonest way to cope with feelings of inferiority is to pull within yourself, to have as little contact with other people as you possibly can, and just occasionally to peek out as the rest of the world goes by."

Ouch!

He further states that low self-esteem ruins the relationship with God, because if we think that we are worthless, we call God a liar and also tell Him that He did a bad job with us....... ahem.!?

Well, I agree and I don't. I have questioned myself and God about my relationship with Him, and as bad as I think of myself, I DO know that He did not make a mistake - it might be my attitude that is wrong, but He did right. I accept Him as my creator, and I totally rely on Him to make this situation better. But maybe I am already on the road of progress.... so there is hope!?

Nonetheless, I do know that I have a ton of work to do in my relationships with my fellow earthlings. They are as faulty as I am, and as a perfectionist, it can be hard to overlook those faults, and to forgive them. And then to forgive my own! (But we talked about that already here.)

I have been hurt so many times - a few too many times too much. And every time, it leaves an open wound that takes me forever to get over. And really, now I learned from the book, that those wounds probably had never healed. And because I have been hurt, I have a hard time to trust, and to love others. So I am disobeying God's command to love one another as God did (John 15:12).

People with low self-esteem can't love others, because they are so self-absorbed in their own insecurities, that it would be too much to deal with the love somebody else might need. My cries for love and acceptance had to fail because I didn't even liked myself, how could I ask someone else to love me? Faux-pas! God wants to shine through my weaknesses, and I have been stealing His show....

So my mission is to make myself like myself! No more self-belittling!

I am learning that I am a Somebody. I count. God put me here to make His garden look beautiful!
I have something to offer this world that nobody else has. 
I am accepted by Him. I am loved by Him. He cares for Me. He enjoys seeing my progress. He wants me to grow more and more, closer to Him, to bring Him glory.
(And yes, there are (many) days where I have to say this over and over, more like a mantra to myself, to believe it and to live it! - It's a process that will not happen overnight. It takes time.) 
I need to believe it to meet everyday life. I need believe it to say that I can cope with the latest painful events in my life. That I can make baby steps forward, again. That hope did not die.

So what am I trying to do? Erasing the wrong programming, that started since my birth. The information that I have received in being dealt with as a child, as a teenager, and still as an adult, come from parents with imperfect parenting, their own failures, insecurities, wrong actions, and foremost conditional love. All those negative things need to be erased out of my mind, to be replaced with God's truth about a much more positive image of myself. Amen.

And next time, we talk more about how to correct my faulty theology.

Low self-esteem part 1

Let's keep going with the next chapter of the book "Healing for Damaged Emotions" from David Seamands.

Most of us know that satan is here to take advantage of our weaknesses. When we least expect it, he is there to make it even worse. With fear. With doubt. With anger. With hostility. With worry. With guilt. All those are pretty annoying emotions and can certainly take away our joy and happiness.

But do you know his 'Deadliest Weapon'? It's called low self-esteem, combined with a feeling of inferiority and inadequacy.

Any atheist would ask, how this could be. Most Christians are happy jacks all the time and smile in the worst circumstances. Right? Not all of us do! Not all of us. Not me.

I grew up in a family of negativity. I heard it since birth, day in and day out. Nobody was good enough for my parents, nobody, not even us children. Our behavior was not good enough, our grades were not good enough, and so we grew up, both of us, with a feeling of inadequacy. How should we ever want to reach our full potential? Both of us decided very early on that we were not to go to university - something our parents expected of us. But I think, we both just gave up, never even wanting to try......

Today, I read that this low self-esteem is paralyzing my potential, it destroys my dreams, and it  ruins my relationships. In my head, the question forms: which potential, do I even have that?What dreams?
The author writes: "Low self-esteem begins even in the crib, follows to kindergarten, and worsens during the teen years. In adult life, it seems to settle in like a great fog that covers many people day by day. Sometimes it lifts a little but always returns, trying to engulf, to drown."

That sounds like my life! How did the author know? Do others feel like this as well? Maybe I am not alone after all? Where are you, 'friends', people that know how this feels? Can you give me hope? I need some encouragement.

How many times have I screwed up, and then beaten myself up for it, asking God, why I am the way I am, and why He allowed all my past to happen. I know it is a criticism for Him, but I also know that He understands my pain. And He hurts with me, because He wants so much better for me. How great then to realize that He does care for me! Who cares if nobody else on this earth does - He does! And that is all that matters.

And I am taking great comfort in knowing that I am so special, that through my sufferings, He wants to pull ME closer to Him. Now, looking at it in this angle, it changes everything! It's an honor, and it makes me feel special. He wants me? The Lord of Lord? Wow! That is pretty cool.
And He gives promises. Promises like in Philippians 1:6 that "I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." I am holding on to that promise every day.

Little by little, my wonderful God is showing me that I am good enough and what I am good at, maybe even very good. He shows me that there is so much that I actually do want from life, but never dared to want. He has plans for me, plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11). I don't want no 'watered-down' version of my life - I want the life God has planned for me. And even though my beginning has not been excellent, I know that He has an end planned with fireworks and trumpets. I can life my dream!

What is my dream? Oh, so many little things, but the biggest is to grow to the person that God wants me to be, for Him, for myself, for my husband, for my children! That is all that matters.
Really, I am trying to live Romans 12:2 where I am no longer conforming to the old patterns, but where I am "being transformed by the renewing of my mind. So that I will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will for me."

He also showed me that, after years of not wanting to be myself, that I DO want to be ME and nobody else. I rather be myself, feeling the pain I feel but knowing that this is God's plan for my life and that I am doing His will. He will make me a better person. He deserves all the glory.

God my healer

I have been going through this transformation, which I knew would take a while. Now the word 'while' can be a varying length of time, like a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. And really, it is not up to me anyways - it is in God's hands, His timing, not mine.

Now let's be honest, we are humans, and as humans we get impatient. We want something and we want it now. And isn't society teaching us that when we want something, we should go out and get it, no matter the cost? It teaches us to get what we want, which means to set ourselves to the action, instead of being still and wait. (Psalm 37:7)

But God wants us to stop "conforming to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."  (Romans 12:2)   HIS will, not ours. We need to learn to slow down and wait and listen!

God wants us/me to do a number of things:

1) put my burdens onto Him, He will carry my loads

2) trust Him

3) wait for His timing

4) accept His plan and

5) do what he asks of me.

It sounds 'easy' enough to follow. But what gets in the way of His plan are our/my expectations. Of ourselves. And unfortunately, of others. Even if we don't want to have those, we do, and we get disappointed. I told myself to only go forward from this point on. But I stumbled. Someone has promised me support, and they failed me. I expected to be at a better place already because I want that change so much. But forgiveness takes time, and so does the healing process. And I need to learn that the only one I can truly rely on a hundred percent is God!

And because I have been here so many times, I know that there is no escape but to run towards God, into His open arms! The biggest lesson I learned is NOT to step away from the Lord. NOT to stop praying, even on my darkest day - because He hears me best on that day. He holds me over the water that day, so I won't drown (in my own self pity probably). So I pray! And I read His word. I probably won't be able to tell you what I read that day, but whatever the passage was, it comforted me. I hold onto His promises.

God understands our hurts, our feelings. He is touched when we come to Him for comfort, He is our father and a loving father comforts His children. He wants to help and heal, more than we can imagine!

Jesus understands, too, because He has been there, rejected, ridiculed, bullied, forsaken. "There is not a single feeling that we cannot bring to Him." says Mr. Seamands in his book. Jesus understands, and He wants to comfort as well.

The Holy Spirit takes us by the hand and leads us. Not only is His presence comforting as well, but He also wants to show us what we need to do to change. He wants us to see that our suffering will make sense. It has a purpose.

Next Step in the healing process: Forgiveness

After a hard week, I am ready to work on our next step in my little mini series about My New Habit - the process of healing. My eyes were opened to many deep hurts, that were then followed by many bad habits. I have ups and downs, but I think I am on the way of healing. But before that can happen, we need to talk about the next step: forgiveness.

"Forgiving everyone who is involved in my problem".
Forgiveness is huge. And it works on so many levels. There is to forgive and being forgiven, to forgive others as well as ourselves, and being forgiven by God, others, and ourselves.

That forgiveness comes with a price tag. The tag reads responsibility. Because when I take responsibility of my actions and reactions, I can't play the blame-game anymore. No more excuses. No more hiding behind the past. If there is something my parents did not teach me, well guess what, it is time to learn it now. If they did something wrong, that does not give me the right to do the same mistake again.

It was an action to take control of that responsibility. And it is and will be an action to forgive. For some people, it is easy to forgive, sincerely. I could even exercise this already (read here) long time before I ever read this book. Then for others, it is rather hard. Actually the thought to have to forgive is stressing me out, and for now, I have pushed it to the side.

A question came to mind. How does forgiveness work? I mean for the real deep hurts. The hurts that sit so deep that for the longest time, I did not realize they were still there. I had not even realized that they had shaped a big part of me, a part that is not so flattering at all. How do you forgive that?

My best friend Beth helped me, in talking it through. We spoke about every step. It is a process. Of the mind. And over time. It is an action that needs to be taken; a responsibility to be chosen over and over again, until it will be done. And once that forgiveness is deep enough, I will feel free again, I will be healed. (#goosebumps)

Whew, that is a big step still to be faced. I am not looking forward to facing it over and over again, but I am eager to reach the end of it. I want to forgive, because that will set ME free. That will heal ME. And that will change MY life for the better. I can not wait.

But.... that is not all. 

What? you ask. Yep, there is more to forgiveness, more to the process of healing:
forgiving yourself. 

When I read it at first, I was like: what? Why do I need to do that? For what? I didn't do anything to myself, did I? And then it came to me, very clearly......  that I did need to forgive myself!!!
For the sins I have done, resulting from my bad habits - habits that I taught myself because I was so hurt. Habits created by fear. Habits to rather push everyone out of my life before they could hurt me again, making the assumption that's what they were going to do. I needed to forgive myself for the many hurts I have done to others.

I knew what it meant for me. It meant to forgive myself because God had forgiven me already. He also had thrown it into "the sea of His forgiveness and His forgetfulness" as Mr. Seamands calls it, and then had "put a sign on it that read 'No fishing allowed.'" And that is exactly what I had done in the past! I might have thought that I forgave myself, and maybe I forgot it for a while, too, but for sure, I went back after a time and went fishing for those sins. Once I had them in my hands again, I could beat myself up again and again, thinking I would never be enough for anybody, not for God, not for my husband, my parents, my children, or my friends. And part of me felt 'good' in that victim-role, too. It felt like a shield of protection around me. Kind of like 'Life is tough, and so am I'-attitude.

But No More of that! I have asked for forgiveness and received it and accepted it and it is done now!

Yet, there is one more thing to forgiveness.
Now that you know that you can be forgiven and that you are able to forgive, you really need to accept and receive it. God's grace is infinite and we do not understand it. I think, God never intended for us to understand it. His love is never-ending, unchangeable and unconditional. And because He loves us, He can show us mercy and grace. I believe, it is actually easy for Him to do so. The problem is not God's, it's ours! We are either unable to believe Him and His forgiveness, or we can't accept it, because we think our sins were too big. God is doing what He promised, but we are not doing OUR part!

Believe me, I am preaching here to myself!  So now we turn that around: if we are not receiving that unconditional love and forgiveness, we fail to show others that same unconditional love and forgiveness. And that is a sin in itself. Because we are suppose to become more Christ-like: because He showed us mercy (which we need to accept), we can show mercy to others now. (We love because He loved us FIRST. (1 John 4:19))

At first, I did not understand. I was still blinded by my own sin, and the role of the victim still laying on me with the unwillingness to see that this might be true. Blinded by my own pity, I did not want to think of handing out love. My self-centeredness literally screamed for more love for ME - it was not interested in giving love to others. Because that old Self thought that everybody else had enough love already but that I needed more, or any. Really, I was my own worst enemy! But even those enemies, we need to forgive them! I needed to forgive myself.

How wrong I was! How could I have expected to receive love when I did not want to show it. No wonder that most of my relationships in the past drifted apart or broke off. It is unhealthy to only think of oneself in a relationship.
Relationships are a two-way street! They mean taking risks, being vulnerable and open, and to give MORE rather than less. It means to spend hours with my God, building the relationship I want with Him and He wants with ME. It means cooking and cleaning, even if the Hubby does not say thank you each time (which he does!). It means to take care of children that are so ungrateful to the things we do as mothers. (And by ungrateful I mean that they don't understand it yet, but hopefully one day, they will understand the sacrifices we made for them. And if not, that is okay, too, because I get my satisfaction from knowing I did what God wanted me to do.) It means to help a friend in need, even when we do not get anything back in return.

I think I really learned my lesson. Taking responsibility meant to put away anger and resentment and take action to forgive and change and give. It meant to leave the vicious cycle that I was riding (like a merry-go-round) - for a better path, a straight path towards a goal!

There are still days where I ask myself how much God wants me to serve and hold the other cheek.... but then I remember that my strength comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:2), and that His faithfulness is my reward (not human failure or success, or the uncertainty of which one it will be) (Psalm 36:5-6).
AND: God has a purpose "for those sins, failures, and hurts that happened earlier in my life". (Romans 5:3-5) He will wrap them up in His love for me. When He sets me free, He will set free a cycle far less vicious than the one I just came off. A cycle where I can extend His love for me to others, to be able to give grace and love to the people around me.

The Easy Button?

Do you remember the Staples commercial about the big red button with white writing that read ? 
Society today tells us that things should be easy, because they are available and we deserve them.
The Bible tells us something else. God tells us that we should expect things to get rough and hard, but that those times teach us faith and to trust in Him; and through the hardships He will make us stronger.

Easy sounds good, doesn't it? Making decisions based on how we feel in that instant would make things so much easier, right? We just follow our heart. And that will make us happy, or will it not? It applies to so many things. When we eat that last piece of chocolate cake because it tastes so good. When we shout at our children because they did something wrong, it feels good to let that anger out. When we keep hurting the people around us because it's easier to act out of habit and the programming we've got. It is easier.

But that is not what God wants for us. He wants us to become that new person He promised us we would become when we became believers.

This week has been a hard week for me. I fell back to old habits, including following my feelings and fears, rather than the truth. That resulted in hopelessness and a feeling of wanting to give up, which further led me to beating myself up over it. All that was a nice set-up for a complete meltdown.....

I am so blessed that I have a best friend walking alongside me. She caught me that day! And probably literally saved me from falling into a deep depression. Beth was there to talk to me about my feelings, my fears, my despair, and my anger. She listened and she gave advise. And I listened as hard as it was, and I learned.

For once, it is healthy to acknowledge my feelings rather than stuffing them down which will only lead to further frustration and maybe an explosion-bound-to-happen, like a volcano. Acknowledging the feeling I have, not only takes the power out of the feeling, it also gives me time to think about how I want to react to that feeling. God wants us to follow Him by faith not by sight or feelings. And sometimes, it requires us to do the opposite of what we feel like doing.

Only following my feelings (rather than doing what is right) will also make me a very unreliable person. In the common language, it's called being moody. Nobody knows what to expect when dealing with me.
Making decisions in a more Christ-like way, doing what is right, would not only give me more stability, it will make my relationships more stable. I want my family and friends be able to trust me and be able to rely on me. I want them to be able to depend on me. I am done being controlled by my emotions just like I don't want anybody else be controlled by them.

I also learned that wanting to make a change is the start to a new beginning. There are so many people that walk on this earth thinking that there is nothing wrong with them. I was convinced that it is so much harder to know that there is something wrong and that it needs to change, but the path there is so hard......

God is funny in making His point convincing. Since that day, every day, He made me hear from different sources that giving up is NOT an option! He has started a great work in me but He is not finished. And giving up would be a slap into His face. So here I am, ready for the next wave of progress, expecting to stumble again, but hopefully not as badly as this week.

My last point is that making any progress is better than none. Going forward any bit is gaining knowledge that no-one can take away from me. Making one good choice and then two bad ones does not erase the one good choice I made. Hopefully in training myself to make better choices, it will become a habit, and with that, yes, it will become easier.

It feels like God the potter has taken the clay jar I was and smashed it to the ground, now I am broken and it hurts! Oh, how it does. But He is also taking all the pieces and makes me into a new person. The pounding hurts, too. I am already so blessed but I know and trust God that He will finish His piece of art (aka Me) and bless me through this suffering. It will never be easy but it will get easier than what it is now.

Facing my Problems and Taking Responsibility

So I hope I made you curious with my post about this New Promise. I told you I would keep you up to date with the book and what I am learning. Here I am to face my problems squarely. 

Let's be honest, it is hard to do that with ourselves. So many times, we can make ourselves believe a certain thing, or we just don't want to admit that it is OUR fault, or that there is something wrong with us. It is much easier to blame others. Or, my personal favorite, to blame circumstances of the past and of today.

It takes some guts to look deep inside yourself and than be honest, ruthlessly truthful about what is wrong, and to admit that there 'might' be a problem here. And what can we base that on? How do we know there is something wrong? I think the person that can be honest with itself will know, and God is there to point it out. Pray about it and the Holy Spirit can show you which area of your life needs change. Be open minded.

There is only ONE truth and that is God's truth. So the more we read His word, the truth, the more we learn what the/His truth is. AND the more we pray for God to show us HIS truth, the more He will listen and grant us that wish. No prayer goes unheard, no prayer unanswered - it might just not always be the answer we hope for, or in the timely manner we expect it. I am learning to just wait.... and wait.... and wait on God.

So how do you start the process of healing? I started with praying for God's grace and wisdom. Digging up those scary memories and those hurt feelings that made living today so unbearable, was hard and uncomfortable. To have God hold that mirror right in my face, was a slap in the face. But I needed to be confronted! Ugh......
I know for some of you, it's a bunch of things, so pull them up one by one and deal with every single one; one at a time. For others, it was one major event that has shaped the person we see today, and it can be so hurtful, and it might be for a while. But I think it's worth it. Then "acknowledge to yourself, and acknowledge it to another human being". This other person can be anybody that you trust: your parents, your spouse, friends, pastors or really anybody that you feel comfortable sharing your deep feelings with. 

I am blessed to have two people in my life who were willing to share this journey with me. My husband and my best friend. They are both very grounded in their believe and are both very wise. I can lean on them and I can ask for advise. I am not afraid to frustrate them because I know they really love me. They love me the way I am today, and at the same time, they are excited to see what person I am becoming. I am truly blessed by them.

It was hard to admit to them what I have been shown: that there is something wrong with me! The way I behaved and acted and reacted was far from being nice.... and honestly, I am surprised that they are both still here. It was hard to be honest. My confession went something like this: "Hi, my name is Ann and I have been verbally abused. That has made me an imperfect person today, with many problems. I have been hurt and I have hurt others. But I acknowledge my wrongdoings and I am willing to change my attitudes. I am surrendering my hurts to God so He can heal me. This is a journey that will not happen overnight. So if you would like to stand by my side, encourage me, let me lean on you, support me, or simply watch me being transformed into a new person, the one that God has really created me to be, then you are welcome. I want to be healed and I need help to do so."  

It wasn't really new News that I can not constantly make excuses for the things that have happened to me, for the way I act today. But it was still hard to read it black on white, bluntly thrown into my face. Ultimately, it is true. I need to take responsibility. I was wronged, yes, BUT I am taking the matter in my own hands now, and then place it into God's. He lightens my burden by taking it onto Him. I am giving up control!

The way I react to my circumstances should not come from a place of being the victim, but from a place of knowing that God is in control and He knows what is best for me. It is my responsibility HOW I act and react to the path that God has chosen for me. It is not an easy way, nor will it be easier in the future. But by taking responsibility for my actions, and at the same time giving up control and surrendering to God, I am walking the path of healing to happiness.

Because there is nothing more that I want! Nothing more than being healed! I know I can be better than I am right now. I don't want to carry all these burdens around with me. Band-aids just don't work anymore on my wounds - they need to be sealed (and healed) forever, so I can forget about them. And I don't want to hurt my family anymore; my husband and my children deserve better! I want to be a wonderful friend that people want to be around (not run away from). It is my responsibility.

So I have covered three major things today:
1) Face Your Problems Squarely
2) Accept Your Responsibility in the Matter
3) Ask Yourself if You Want to be Healed.
Next time, we will work on Forgiving Everyone that Hurt Me, Including myself, and how the Holy Spirit can help to deal with all these real problems, and how to pray for the matter.

New Year, New Habits, New Promise

It has been a loooong time, I know. Many things have happened in the last three months. Traveling, moving, our church falling apart, adjustment to the baby, homeschooling, visitors, the Hubby having major surgery, recovery, lots of family time, holidays, and really..... kind of a personal crisis. Yep, my plate was not empty.....

With the new year being here (I have no idea how it crept up on me so fast), I want to go back to blogging, writing about our homeschooling experience, co-ops, field trips, and about what is going on in our lives. How God is blessings us.

Instead of making resolutions that are forgotten half-way through the year, I want to make a change that is life-changing and will last a lifetime. Amidst all this craziness, I was able to read a book and devoured it. It was hard to digest at times, but it was good and will be great once my transition has taken place. I am sure you are eager to know the title and author, but I want to start with the content. It's about healing. Personally, it seems like the entire last year has been about healing, at least for me. It's a process, a slow one; progress is interrupted by many tumbles. Not only did I need healing from the loss of being able to carry my own children - I need healing from many, many other hurts; hurts that sit much deeper. Hurts from the past that still dictate my future and I had enough! Finally, I am saying that those hurts need to stay in the past and not keep on interfering with my present or my future.I have a life to live and I am missing it..... Damn it!

Have you ever thought that you are too sensitive? Too emotional? Too easy to be hurt? Criticism doesn't sit well with you? Do you have a feeling of a black and white world with great justice and injustice? Are you getting depressed, sometimes caused by the smallest things? Do you know what dark holes are where you are trapped and you can't come out by yourself? Is it hard to make decisions for you? Does forgiveness come easy to you? What do you feel when I say anger?

Here is a picture. Imagine a big tree, like one that looks older than hundred years old. Now cut it down! (Don't be an environmentalist right now, it's just your imagination!) What do you see when the tree is cut and lays on its side? Yes, the tree's rings; it's life rings. What do they tell us? Really, they represent the tree's biography. A thin ring for a year of drought, a fat line for a prosperous year. All of those records are there - a lifetime worth of 'memories'.

As humans, we have those rings, too. They are invisible, and most people don't even think about them. They go through life, from one event to the other, with nothing but smiles. Life is grand and the future looks bright - no book needed! Awesome.
Then there are people that are more aware of those rings because they bear dark times that have impacted their life beginning with the past throughout the present, and if nothing changes, they will keep doing it in the future. It's almost like a curse. Those people seem like life is dragging on, it's a constant struggle, it's hard. Ever feel this way? Then I have news for you (and me!).

What the book "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David A. Seamands has shown me was so eye-opening, it has to be life changing! I mean it just has to be. I learned soooo much about myself, and what needs to be done to be FREE from those rings that keep pulling me down - wow! I know what is wrong with me, too: I was wrongly programmed. From early on, we are taught how to react to circumstances on our lives. Parents can do a good job, or a rather bad one. Guess which end of the bargain I got? I DO believe that it also had something to do with the circumstances of the country I was growing up in, a communist country where we were taught not to trust anybody and lie as much as possible. Not really a great start to build healthy relationships with anybody, including parents, siblings, family, and/or friends - even worth when we talk about God, the God that sees deep into our hearts. What relationship do you want to have with your Creator?

Someone said once that "Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it." So true. But what if the way I thought to react IS wrong? Now I need to learn how to turn those ninety percent into 'positive' reactions, turning things around, making the best of a situation. I have to admit, I have never done this before - I am stepping foot on unfamiliar territory here...... 

If you never dealt with this before, or have never even thought about this, it is still important to be aware of it in order not to judge someone that is different than you are. We are not fakes or hypocrites, we just have alot of scars and hurts and faulty programming that blur our behavior today. Patience and love would be great. The truth through bible readings and biblical encouragement. Understanding and support. Until the day arrives when the programming has been reset: a renewal of our minds has taken place. Victory for the glory of God.

I am currently undergoing this process. I am learning .... alot. I will post about my progress along the way. It's a promise to myself, because I WANT this badly! I invite you to learn along with me or just witness the transformation. For my part, I am excited, yet scared. So if you ever have a (devotional) word for me, please share. I will need all the encouragement that I can get.....

Step One: Face my problems squarely! Oh boy.

Something to celebrate

I started this blog in order to spread the good news of 

.

And next week, I get to celebrate that hope big time. (and no, it's not my birthday!)

What is hope? I am talking about that feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I expected God to fight my fight for me because I knew I was too weak to fight it myself. I expected Him to be there for me. I expected Him to guide me by His hand to a better tomorrow. And that totally happened. I have been blessed with life, love, hope, and faith. I have been blessed with family, friends, and children that I thought I could not have. (If you need to catch up on How we got here!, please go back and read it.)

So what am I so excited about that it drives tears into my eyes every time I think about it? 

It's been five years since those dreadful words changed my life: "It's the big C!"

It took a long time to accept that fact and it's consequences. It took me five years to heal from it. So today, I can proudly say that I am five years cancer-free, and that is something to celebrate!

I want to celebrate that Life and that Hope, that Love I received and those children I got, the special people that supported me on my journey and my relationship with my heavenly Father that got so strong through this experience.  I am praising God for all of it. He not only never left my side in those dark times but blessed me so abundantly in giving me the strength to go through this and come out on the other end as a renewed person. Hey, maybe one day, I will even become an optimist....

The walk to Beat the Clock in NYC 2010

Five years can be short but I feel that ALOT of things happened in those five years. The first year was full of anger and frustration, healing physically and emotionally, until that Hope would sink in and make life look a little bit better every day. It was a tough year of little social interactions, withdrawal, and loneliness. Once that anger turned into hope, I felt I can do things again. Life seemed manageable again.

My biggest supporter and me

And then we got blessed with New Hope through a family member that would carry our own baby (if you need to know how it works medically, here is a link) for us. That year was not always easy but oh so worth it. At the end, we recived a beautiful baby girl into our family.
During all this time, I had to have quarterly check-ups, which are always so nerve-wrecking. Even though I knew I was in good hands, that waiting with the uncertainty of hearing good or bad news was tough, and is to this day.

I did celebrate the half-time between that day one and now here. I love my team over there and was always worried that at five years, they would send me back to an regular OB-Gyn. Well, they don't and I really appreciate that. I mean, eventually, they might, and then I 'might' be ready for that, but for now, I am not. I am also part of a support group that I have attended now for those five years. I love the ladies there and I am so happy that I can share some of my hope with them. It has been a big part of my healing, too.
Of course, I have walked a few cancer walks, for my own cancer or others. It's an awful, creepy disease and I wish this on Nobody! So supporting researches makes me feel good, and I can show my support to my friends that are affected by it. 

Another Blessing

Fast forward four years, I find myself blessed again with another carrier to carry our third child. Wow. God has been so good to us! During that time, Beth and I did the Relay for Life for the second time and it was so meaningful for me - it goes with this post as well. At the end, I can only give glory to God for where I am today! (I wrote a post back in May that says it all.)

So five years have gone by, I was able to heal in so many ways. My family grew from three to five with the help of two very special ladies. And I have learned to be a fighter. Life is worth fighting for! It's worth living it every minute, and it's so beneficial to enjoy what we have, even if it is not always our plan, but God's. I am happy where I am today. So that is what I am celebrating my life changed forever due to God's plan.

I am not sure how my day will look like, but I want it to be special. 

I might not do school that day, or do a special session on 'counting our blessings'.

I want to celebrate with a birthday cake, and a candle on it... (it will be nice to see a one digit-number on MY cake once again - haha) 

I want champagne.... (this one might not happen though....)

And I want my family and friends around me!

And I want to thank God all day - whenever I think about it - for how blessed I am!

Thank you for being here and reading, thank you for praying and thank you for encouraging me when I felt I couldn't handle this anymore. Please stay and keep reading - I am certain that God is not done with me yet.

The balance of common sense

"Be well balanced, be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion, seeking someone to seize upon and devour." (1 Peter 5:8)

Don't you hate that when you feel like a fool, again and again?

Well, I feel like this today after reading this in the book "Me and My Big Mouth" by Joyce Meyer. We are reading it for our book club, organized through our church. I am late in reading this - we were suppose to be done with the first three chapters, like.... last month. Oh well, things happen and it's not like I have nothing to do in my life right now..... but I also think, that I was suppose to read that verse this morning. After a day of doubting God, and everything around me, my entire life. The devil for sure got a hay day with me yesterday, and I feel like a fool today....

Right after this verse, the book states that "extremes are actually the devil's playground". Wow. Really? So dealing with bi-polar - I am an easy target!? That really is irritating and exhausting! Not only for me, but to the people around me as well, who have to 'deal with me'. I don't want that for my life. I want to be done with it. There are so many things right now that I just feel I want to be done with! Seriously. I want it to be over and never to come back. I am tired of those things haunting me, and it is destroying my relationships with God, and family and friends. I NEED HEALING. I need God to heal and take away this pain.

But there is hope. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, the Love Verse. You all know it.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

I received that gift yesterday through two amazing friends, women of God and sisters that just loved me and encouraged me, that prayed for me and that met me where I was. They showed me that unconditional love. I am God's child and He loves me. He wants me to be here where I am right now, even when I don't want to be here and it IS so hard. But I know that I want to be a light for others, I want to show off my scars one day and say, only through God and my friends, I have come this far..... Glory to God for putting those special people in my path, for sending them to walk alongside me, for carrying me and for cheering me on! Thank you.

Sharing a song

I heard this song on the way to my race this morning. Listening to the lines, I wish I would have listened to this song three weeks ago, when I was going through some real tough days. It is so encouraging. Next time, when I need to grieve some more, I know I will listen to this song and things will be alright. It's part of healing. After the pain there is a light! After the valley comes usually a hill or a mountain where things are brighter. One day, I will show off my scars to the world, as a tribute to God's love and grace.

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning

Artist: Josh Wilson

Album: Life Is Not A Snapshot (EP)

 Songwriters: Ben Glover, Josh Wilson

 Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.

and hold on, cause there's good who love God,

life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,

before the morning,

yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

Appreciating the blessings around me

It is easy to feel blessed when things are going well. It's not hard to praise God when the light is shining right in front of one's eyes. But God is our comforter in all circumstances, and He urges us to pray and praise Him in all those situations. I knew, while going through my tough days, He was walking right next to me.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without fault, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)
I did pray and have trust, and I found comfort in knowing that my scars will be for His glory and that there is a purpose for me. Also, I finally gave up wanting to know why this had to happen, to me, and I found peace in God's presence, knowing that HE knows what is best for all of us.

My feelings-post had rendered me vulnerable to the public, BUT I would have never imagined to find support and comfort through it. So thanks to all of you that have brought me kind words, encouragements, and other blessings. I really appreciate them. I was blessed by all of you. It was a necessary scream that just had to come out, and now I feel like I can move on. God is helping me to heal and I think He is showing me who He wants me to be - carrying those scars as a tribute to His mercy and grace. My relationship with Him is much deeper and I am so thankful for that.

So things are going much better these days. Beth and I are both in a much better place, a place of closeness and trust, of honesty and servitude for one another. We talked about how we feel and what we each need, and we are both trying to honor that. Our commitment will ensure the well-being of all involved. It will make this a positive experience - after all, this is a testimony to celebrate.

We are now 17 1/2 weeks. Beth has a pretty little bump - she truly looks beautiful. She feels great and has enough energy to feel comfortable and be active. The baby is doing great; at five ounces and five inches, it is still quite small, but it has been very active inside of Beth. She feels lots of little flutters. I have been able to 'feel' the baby but not when it moved. So I am very excited and am trying to be patient for the coming of the day, when baby will give me 'high five' with a kick through the belly.
The kids are getting more and more excited, too. They have seen the pictures, have heard the heartbeat over and over, watch movies about babies on a website, and they have been saying 'hi' to the belly a few times. Peanut seems more interested in touching the belly now, which is awesome. I love to share that with my kids. So thank you Beth for allowing us to bond with the baby. 

Beth wrote a post yesterday - about how smooth we are sailing now. And I want to add to that post:

Dear Beth,
I am blessed by your friendship, blessed by the person you are, blessed by the gifts you are giving, and blessed by your willingness to share all this with us. Thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for each and every prayer. Thank you for taking such good care of our baby, for loving it and for praying for it. I appreciate all your sacrifices. Thank you for the privilege to partner with you in this extraordinary experience of a shared pregnancy. It's awesome and oh so exciting.
I love you.

In Good Times And In Bad Times

My pity-party is over, at least for now. I am thankful for that.

"I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD's mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn." (Psalms 142:1-3)

This journey is a true roller-coaster of emotions. I do prefer it when I am 'on top' of the world filled with thankfulness, rather than a dark place of negativity.....

I am glad that I can report this victory. Bi-polar has many faces, and this is one of them. I thought I had conquered it, but the enemy just knows when and where to get at us..... I know it was a pity-party, because I became self-centered in my own misery and stopped praying and became introverted, which is not my natural habit. I let the enemy take away my joy; the joy of my family, the miracle of having such a loving and caring community around me, the comfort of a loving God, and the excitement for the blessings that are to come my way.

There is so much to be thankful for, there is so much to look forward to! On the side of my blog, it says, 'count your blessings'! Well, I did not focus on that last week, and that is why I could stray away and get lulled into a dark world.

I had a very good talk with Beth, my best friend, who is also carrying my baby. She pointed this out to me: without women like Heather and her, I would NOT have any additional children at all. And even if it hurts tremendously that I can not 'feel' certain things, I am blessed to have these women in my life to give these precious gifts. They are not the ones that took away, God allowed that to happen; they are the ones that give back to me! Without asking something in return. So thank you, dear Beth, for putting my focus back into place!

With my focus on the beauty of this adventure, I reminded myself of something that I 'saw' one day during a prayer meeting. It's more like a parallel. When God brought His son into our world, He needed a womb to grow Jesus. He found a woman that had His favor, Mary. When I pray for my baby, often times I envision it inside the womb, how it turns and stretches inside it - it helps me to connect to the baby. Then I envisioned baby Jesus, swimming inside of Mary and how beautiful that picture is. Thinking about that (with Christmas approaching) I was taken aback by the similarity of the circumstances. I needed a womb to grow my babies, and God had found two extraordinary women that had His favor. I truly believe that in both cases, God 'tapped' them on the shoulder and said: "that's you! She needs your uterus to grow her babies." The amazing thing is that they both decided to obey. I heard Heather's story of how she felt like God telling her to do this, and Beth has shared 'her calling' with me as well. The miraculous thing about both times is that we had two embryos, and both took, first try! If you don't think God's hand is in this, I don't know.... I see it all over this endeavor.


Though, I am still trying to figure out why God had to take away, but it seems more 'bearable' this week. I want to focus on the positive things. Like the family that I have right here with me. Like the husband who loves me and cares for me and supports me. Like the best friend who is talking me through my hurts. Like the beauty of her growing belly. Like the joy and excitement this entire process brings for all involved. Like the love I feel from my church family. Like the comfort that God gives me when He tells me personally that He is always by my side, even in my darkest times. A God that wants to bless, not just me, but also the two women that followed His plan.

So I want to lift them up in my prayers for the sacrifices they endured in order to give us these little blessings that our family longed for for so long. I want to shout out a thank you of gratefulness to them. They are heroes in my eyes! I am so thankful that the God that took away also allowed to give back to our family. The God that hears my cries and the God that loves each and everyone of us. I am praying that He showers these women with many blessings.

I am praying for all of you! Mothers-in-waiting like me, for your healing; and for all the carriers that give something so precious, and for their protection. I am praying for peace for all of you. Thank you God.

"Father, I am so glad I can come to you and share all my burdens. I am so grateful for your mercy and faithfulness. Thank you that they never cease. Praise You Lord. AMEN."

Sharing a post from a friend

I just wanted to share a post written by my friend Bethany about the Duggar family and the loss of their child. Here is the link "Michelle Duggar's Miscarriage".

Bethany knows, just like me, how it feels to lose a child that you had hoped to get to know and see grow up. It is never easy to have to give that child up before even meeting it. I remember how desperate I was when I lost my two children - and that was before I had 'live' kids. It was so hard to be left with 'nothing' after the excitement and anticipation of finally having my own. It was a true loss and I had no idea how to deal with my grief and anger - nobody taught me what to do in such a situation. I was a young Christian, so reaching out to God was not always my first thought, not like it is now. I am so glad that the Duggar family are deep in their faith and have that comfort, it does make things a little easier. Their was a purpose for that little baby - look at what impact it already has made. God is a great comforter - He can heal and He has a plan for all of us. He doesn't want to see us sad, but rejoice with Him, because there might be a greater purpose for that child. It's not easy, but so worth it to follow God's plan as it is written in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Thank you, Lord Jesus, that you are watching over us.

I love the pictures they took from the baby - in my eyes, it makes saying goodbye so much more manageable than what happen in my case, when 'baby' just got lost somewhere in the toilet. I am sorry that I have to write it out so point-blank, but that is something that I had to find healing for. I wish I even thought of taking pictures. So I am glad that they did and share it with us. Those pictures are so beautiful and they make me smile. It's a reminder how precious they are.

It touches me even more today, because we just came back from our first prenatal appointment and I got to see our baby, once again, 'live' on the ultrasound screen. We saw it move it's hands and legs, it turned a few times, and we saw, and heard, that strong heart beating. It was wonderful. And I can't wait to meet this little baby that is growing inside of my best friend's womb. Thank you, Beth, for following God's calling and be a part of growing this miracle. It's such a precious gift to receive and I am so thankful.

Bethany wrote a book that she published recently, it's called "Answers in a Time of Miscarriage". I won a copy of it and have read it, and it is a wonderful tool for someone that has experienced a miscarriage and needs comfort. I wish I had the book when I faced my two miscarriages. The link for it is here: http://www.preciousinfants.com/miscarriage.htm. 

You don't have to go through this alone. There are people out there to help you!

This is good news

A friend of mine is pregnant. I know there are many people pregnant out there, so why is this so special?

Well, if you have read any of my previous posts, you will find out that I had lots of problems with fertility. Due to those problems, I used to be very angry and frustrated, sometimes depressed and definitely desperate at times. Every time I learned that someone in my circle of family and friends got pregnant, I started to feel that anger rise inside myself. Questions of why that one and this one, by accident (!), got pregnant. Hurt and pain every time! I questioned God alot on those as well. My faith had just started to build, after being raised as an atheist!!! So it was so fragile anyway. It was not fun times. At all.

Now, as of today, and yesterday, I am done questioning and thanking God for EVERYTHING He has done in my life. It's like a puzzle and the pieces have come together! It feels like God gave me the inside view on [arts of my life: I had to have two miscarriages in order to really appreciate my first born. And I had to have cancer in order to get a gift truly from God! Our Blessing, our second child that we were longing for for such a long time. It all fits together! I am happy.
Any additional child is bonus - even though as of right now, I think I might be done anyway. That, of course, might change within the next half year or year when Peanut gets bigger and less dependent. Also it IS a question of budgeting, not of wanting children anyway...

So why am I so excited about this pregnancy? Well, for the first time in a long time there is no jealousy. I am totally, completely happy for her! I am excited and want to participate, help her out, and maybe plan a baby shower for her.... I declare that I will enjoy her pregnancy! And I am thankful for that. God is good.