No news, good news?

I know I haven't been here for a little while. Well, there are multiple reasons for that.

First of all, it was Christmas and Christmas is about Jesus and family and friends, and not (!) about the computer or the internet and all its inviting websites and virtual acquaintances. So I enjoyed being at home, with the hubby, having his family here and going to Christmas parties and going to church. We had a very nice Christmas Eve service with candle light, the kids were read the Christmas story up front by our pastor's wife - it was really nice. Christmas Morning was a huge success for the kids. And we got a huge surprise on Christmas day, when Tia was standing in front of the door. She said, when I opened the door, my face was 'priceless'. What I was thinking was more like: "what is she doing here? How did she get here? Who picked her up from the airport?" Because you know that she doesn't live around the corner, so for us to get unexpected visitors is a rarity. We were ALL very surprised, Coqui was beyond ecstatic, and Peanut, well she was not so sure at first, but warmed up pretty quickly.

And second of all, I have not many things to write about lately; call it writer's block. There are many things going on in my mind. Before the holidays, I was very involved with a dear friend who is going to go through a divorce. I was in the middle of all of it, and I was very surprised how much it affected me. I mean I couldn't sleep very well, I thought about it all the time, and I was fuming inside, for her. She went on vacation for the holidays, and it was kind of a blessing for me too, as I got a break in being right amid the tumult. It is normal to take sides when it's your friend, but this story has more to it, and maybe one day I will make an article out of it - that's how much it bothers me.

The other thing is very private, and actually surprising to me. Not long ago, I wrote here that I was over the whole jealousy-thing with other people getting pregnant. Well, I guess I wasn't. I mean I enjoyed my close friend's pregnancy, and some others that didn't bother me. But then, about two months ago, I learned that our carrier is pregnant; and it hit me again. I was not aware of it at first.... only just recently, when another friend announced their pregnancy, I had to admit to myself, that I was jealous again. I can not explain it. I can not. We were blessed with our children. But I think, it might be because I don't know what our number of children is suppose to be. One friend wrote a whole blog post about her number and that it's perfect for their family. A different friend wrote that they are what they call quiverful, meaning that they let God decide how many children they can handle (here is the blog post). A beautiful way to look at children as being a blessing. I agree. And I guess I feel like I have no say in it. Not that I do anyway - God is in control. But... yes, I am human, so there is a but.... It makes it all so much harder to have more kids than the natural way.... you know, enjoy your husband and nine months later there you are.... For me, it brings back all the 'bad' thoughts I had after the cancer diagnose and the resulting infertility.......
So I guess, I have to pray harder that God will either satisfy me with the number we have and 'kill' any desire for any more children. Or He has to send us another one and provide the finances.

So besides still having visitors in the house, and actually getting a break from the kids. And going shopping on my own! And running.  And having a phone conversation with old friends without being interrupted five million times. I am fine. I am loving my family. And I am thankful for what I have. If I put all things in prospective, I am truly blessed.

Life being away from home

Hey there,
I have not tried to neglet you guys, but we are at my hubby's family's
house. I can only tell you about it, but you will have to wait for pictures until I get back home. We left our house on Saturday - yes, the day BEFORE Father's Day. This was planned and we celebrated the day before with the Hubby. It was Peanut's first plane ride and I was very nervous beforehand. But she did great! We had a layover which makes the trip a little longer, but she did it all. She took a short nap and the rest of the time she just ate! Yep, that is what she likes to do.... We got here very late on Saturday night, and the kids both fell asleep in the car. I had to dress Coqui once we reached the house, but Peanut, being already in PJs, woke up and just screamed. So I had to lay down with her and it was a rough night. The first day, Peanut was not very happy. Different house, different people, oh she did not like it. She was super clingy, if that is possible, and I could not use the bathroom without her! It was terrible.

But after a day or two, she got a little warmer with Mema and Buelo. After almost a week now, she is completely fine. She crawls around the house, gets into Coqui's toys and is just being her own little self again. We have visited friends and family every single day, so we had play dates every day. She loves it. She wants to be in the middle of all the big kids, crawls after them and laughs with them. It is so adorable. And Mami is glad, too.

Tomorrow I will leave her with Mema and Tia - let's see how she will be then. With her, I am always a little uneasy..... but I am only a half hour away in case things should go real down south.... I (!) am looking forward to tomorrow. Going to my second Bat Mitzvah. I have seen her sister do it three years ago, now it is the little sister's turn and I am very excited for her to pass this milestone. This family means alot to me.

Coqui has lots of fun, too. He loves his Mema - she is lots of fun and pays him lots of attention. He loves seeing all his cousins and friends, exploring and enjoying being outside!!! Beulo has a big pool and he was not one bit afraid of it but jumped right in. He loves that he can go on the playground, any time of the day. We go out for ice cream and mini golf. He is in heaven....

We have a whole other week here, and the big weekend of the Fourth! So lots of more fun. A little trip down to the beach with friends. More family and the baptism of Our Carrier - and for those who don't know, the lady that carried Peanut! I am so looking forward to that event. I saw her the other day and loved how she looked. She looked at peace and to me that is ALL I ever wanted for her! I am so happy that God came back into her life and turned it around like this. We will be there to witness that. And she, and her entire church, is so excited that the baby, aka Peanut, will be there with her! We have a surprise for her! But I can not say it yet....

I will be back here!

Past due post....

I finally finished a post today that I had started a year ago... There was just too much stuff going on at the time, and still is.... but I managed to get to it now and published it finally. Please click on the link below:

Being Blessed: The pure medical side of it...

I shared a testimony today

Every Wednesday morning, we are going to the Women's Bible Study at our church. We are doing a Beth Moore study about Esther. Before we turn on the DVD, we have a discussion about homework and what is going on in our lives. So today, one woman started with a testimony, and then another, and then I just felt I needed to share something that has recently brought us to tears....

It is about our carrier. She was brought up as a Catholic but eventually had left that church. And then was, I guess, in limbo and a little thrown off by the church in general. Well, looking back at this entire process, it was ALL God. I can even go back and say that this cancer had to happen in order for me to be soooo blessed but also to bless ours. But from the day I sent out that letter, and her receiving it, it was God's calling through and through. And yes, it was not always easy - but hey, who said that walking with the Lord means that things are easier, just because we can hand our problems over to Him. But it was soooo worth it! Without knowing that she did, she answered God's calling to become our gestational carrier for our second child. They had tried for a third child themselves, but did not get pregnant - well, yes, because her 'oven' was needed for something else... it worked the first time without a problem and she went through the entire nine months, she delivered that child and gave it to us - what a blessing right there!!! We are thankful for that every day.
But back to the testimony: there was a lady in her immediate circle of friends that was Christian and she was just such an encouragement for her. Apparently, she invited our carrier to her church and she followed that invitation. To make a long story short, she has been going to church ever since, has been truly blessed by it and finding God. Her entire family is going every Sunday..... that is amazing.

She says that she finally found what she was looking for.... yeah!

Visitors

We have visitors!
It's the Carrier and her youngest son. It has been a while since she saw the baby, so for her, she grew a lot, of course - that's what babies do! Best. She seems happy to see our little Peanut....

It is only the first day, and it is raining, so we just went to Whole Foods and out to eat at Mother's Cafe - a Vegan place. The food was delicious as always.
Now I have to see how the weather is going to be over the week, so we can show her our town, maybe they'll decide to relocate....

Bye for now. Sorry for the short post.

False Alarm - REVISED

We are in week 38, tomorrow starts week 39.... so close to the end!

But last night we had a 'scare' as we were told that we might be in labor. Three hours later, I guess it was decided by the doctors that we are not...... but since then, my stomach has not been the same! Feels like butterflies, just like when you fall in love....
I am so excited. And scared at the same time... When will it be the real deal? And what will happen? I know nobody knows but there is alot involved here. This is not my body and the hospital will put Our Carriers wishes first! That is kind of upsetting to me as this is MY child to be born.... and I want to be part of it as much as they allow me to be... and that part of the equation really scares me. Well, we will see how it goes....

Thanks for reading.

The pure medical side of it...

Today I want to talk about what they we went through for this surrogacy. Well right there, the term is quite wrong, as we did not have a surrogate but a gestational carrier. But I'll get to that later. I have to warn you, this is very technical...

Due to my radical hysterectomy, I don't have an uterus anymore. So naturally, I am no longer able to become pregnant or carry a child. Oh yes, that was very hard to digest when you are in the middle of your best years to become a family or have the existing one growing. But thank God to my very good oncologist, I still have my ovaries. And those are very important, as it is here where the eggs are situated and from where they decent to the uterus, either to create a baby or to have your monthly visitor coming. A woman, or baby girl, is born with ALL the eggs and those are inactive until puberty. So I still have some hundreds of eggs inside of me, so I am not that infertile as I first thought I might be. There was hope...

So we just had to use a carrier to carry our baby - kind of borrowing someone's 'oven' for 'only' about nine months. Anybody??? This person is called a Gestational Carrier, rather than a surrogate, as we are using our own eggs and sperm and not hers! They also call it sometimes host uterus, which is really what it is in our case - referring back to the borrowed 'oven'.

First, they had to find where my cycle is, because I don't have monthly menstruation anymore. Then they had to stimulate my egg production, to take out as many eggs as possible. Yes, I had to take some drugs to do so, fertility drugs, by injection, but to my surprise, it did not hurt as much as I anticipated it. (You have to know that I am terrified by needles, and usually have to be laid down when blood is drawn!) I had to go to the clinic multiple times, even daily, to get blood drawn and have ultrasounds to determine how many eggs there were and how big they are.

Here I want to stop the technicalities for a moment and share an incident that kind of made me mad at the time, but now I can smile about it. One time, I was laying on the table to have a technician do the ultrasound. This is a very good example of when the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing. Because this lady was looking and looking and starting to hurt me digging this instrument deeper inside me. Usually I am very quiet because you know those people have a degree for what they are doing, so I figured this person knows what she is looking for. But after a while I got concerned, so I asked her what was the matter. And in all sincerity, she said she is looking for my uterus. Can you believe that? So I told her that I don't have one anymore, and that's the reason why we are at a fertility clinic! Unbelievable.

So back to the real deal: by the size of the eggs, my day of retrieval was decided upon. At the same time, our carrier was taking her daily share of medications, both injections and oral ones, and had to be monitored as well, but not as often. For some reason, my eggs took two days longer than usual, but that was not a problem for the carrier. Retrieval of the eggs is done through a small one-hour-procedure, under narcoses.
Once they removed my eggs, they fertilized them with the partner's sperm and waited to see how many take on and how many don't. In my case, they removed nine eggs, four were lost in the process, five took the sperm. After a couple of days, only two more were left. On the day of the transfer, one of the fertilized eggs were put into our carrier. (It was her will to only use one egg, she was afraid of having to carry multiples.) And now we had to wait fourteen days that felt like forever!!!.......

That day, the carrier had to go to the clinic to have a pregnancy test done and some blood drawn. She had to go back home and waited with us until the end of the day.... Oh, we were all sitting like on fire. Finally, the call came and..... (drum roll)... we were pregnant!!! Yeah....

We have one fertilized egg, well an embryo, waiting in the freezer. We have to see what will happen to this little fellow....

New Hope

Today I want to talk about why there is new hope.

Not that there weren't any in between, but it was sad and frustrating at times. We know that God was always near us, but it didn't feel like it at times. So in August 2008, we came to New Jersey to celebrate my son's, Coqui, 2nd birthday with the entire family. Also every year - I mean there were only two so far - I write a letter to family and friends to update everyone about what is going on in Coqui's life. The first year's letter was full of all the firsts a newborn goes through. Last year's letter was like that, too. Unfortunately, we had to add the cancer story as well.
And as sad as we were, we always had some hope, and faith, I guess. In writing this letter, I think I got a message from God. As I know I couldn't have come up with that much faith and knowledge on my own. Somehow I knew that there will be a person sent by God to help us. I didn't know in which way, nor when it would happen.
So I sent the letter out, and got a couple of responses. Until one day..... that miracle that we had hoped for was about to become reality.... I mean, I remember our old Pastor saying once: "If you need a miracle, expect a miracle." And within a month of receiving this message, I got finally pregnant with Coqui. But I also know that it doesn't always work.... does it? well, the God I know works wonders and miracles, so.....

So back to this new hope miracle. My mother-in-law received a phone call from someone from the family. And when she told me afterwards what that person had proposed to us, I was absolutely in shock. She was willing to carry our baby for us..... WOW.
I hadn't expected that, especially that fast.... but my.... I didn't know what to say or what to think....

After the first contact was made - not that we didn't know each other, but it was very different circumstances this time - we sat down and talked for a loooong time. It was like so surreal... it was exciting and scary at the same time. But most of all, we felt soooo thankful for the Lord's answer to prayers. Because without Him, we wouldn't be where we are now...

Oh Lord, you always provide. You are so awesome! Even when we encounter life's trials, you never stop loving us - but we forget.... I am asking you to forgive me for ever doubting you. Because we should know that you only put us through trials we can handle... and those trials are there to show us the wonders of your hands. It is amazing that a cancer story turned out to be a blessing for two families - none of them could have ever expected to experience. We are so thankful for His work. Lord, I am in awe of you....

Amen.