Facing my Problems and Taking Responsibility

So I hope I made you curious with my post about this New Promise. I told you I would keep you up to date with the book and what I am learning. Here I am to face my problems squarely. 

Let's be honest, it is hard to do that with ourselves. So many times, we can make ourselves believe a certain thing, or we just don't want to admit that it is OUR fault, or that there is something wrong with us. It is much easier to blame others. Or, my personal favorite, to blame circumstances of the past and of today.

It takes some guts to look deep inside yourself and than be honest, ruthlessly truthful about what is wrong, and to admit that there 'might' be a problem here. And what can we base that on? How do we know there is something wrong? I think the person that can be honest with itself will know, and God is there to point it out. Pray about it and the Holy Spirit can show you which area of your life needs change. Be open minded.

There is only ONE truth and that is God's truth. So the more we read His word, the truth, the more we learn what the/His truth is. AND the more we pray for God to show us HIS truth, the more He will listen and grant us that wish. No prayer goes unheard, no prayer unanswered - it might just not always be the answer we hope for, or in the timely manner we expect it. I am learning to just wait.... and wait.... and wait on God.

So how do you start the process of healing? I started with praying for God's grace and wisdom. Digging up those scary memories and those hurt feelings that made living today so unbearable, was hard and uncomfortable. To have God hold that mirror right in my face, was a slap in the face. But I needed to be confronted! Ugh......
I know for some of you, it's a bunch of things, so pull them up one by one and deal with every single one; one at a time. For others, it was one major event that has shaped the person we see today, and it can be so hurtful, and it might be for a while. But I think it's worth it. Then "acknowledge to yourself, and acknowledge it to another human being". This other person can be anybody that you trust: your parents, your spouse, friends, pastors or really anybody that you feel comfortable sharing your deep feelings with. 

I am blessed to have two people in my life who were willing to share this journey with me. My husband and my best friend. They are both very grounded in their believe and are both very wise. I can lean on them and I can ask for advise. I am not afraid to frustrate them because I know they really love me. They love me the way I am today, and at the same time, they are excited to see what person I am becoming. I am truly blessed by them.

It was hard to admit to them what I have been shown: that there is something wrong with me! The way I behaved and acted and reacted was far from being nice.... and honestly, I am surprised that they are both still here. It was hard to be honest. My confession went something like this: "Hi, my name is Ann and I have been verbally abused. That has made me an imperfect person today, with many problems. I have been hurt and I have hurt others. But I acknowledge my wrongdoings and I am willing to change my attitudes. I am surrendering my hurts to God so He can heal me. This is a journey that will not happen overnight. So if you would like to stand by my side, encourage me, let me lean on you, support me, or simply watch me being transformed into a new person, the one that God has really created me to be, then you are welcome. I want to be healed and I need help to do so."  

It wasn't really new News that I can not constantly make excuses for the things that have happened to me, for the way I act today. But it was still hard to read it black on white, bluntly thrown into my face. Ultimately, it is true. I need to take responsibility. I was wronged, yes, BUT I am taking the matter in my own hands now, and then place it into God's. He lightens my burden by taking it onto Him. I am giving up control!

The way I react to my circumstances should not come from a place of being the victim, but from a place of knowing that God is in control and He knows what is best for me. It is my responsibility HOW I act and react to the path that God has chosen for me. It is not an easy way, nor will it be easier in the future. But by taking responsibility for my actions, and at the same time giving up control and surrendering to God, I am walking the path of healing to happiness.

Because there is nothing more that I want! Nothing more than being healed! I know I can be better than I am right now. I don't want to carry all these burdens around with me. Band-aids just don't work anymore on my wounds - they need to be sealed (and healed) forever, so I can forget about them. And I don't want to hurt my family anymore; my husband and my children deserve better! I want to be a wonderful friend that people want to be around (not run away from). It is my responsibility.

So I have covered three major things today:
1) Face Your Problems Squarely
2) Accept Your Responsibility in the Matter
3) Ask Yourself if You Want to be Healed.
Next time, we will work on Forgiving Everyone that Hurt Me, Including myself, and how the Holy Spirit can help to deal with all these real problems, and how to pray for the matter.

New Year, New Habits, New Promise

It has been a loooong time, I know. Many things have happened in the last three months. Traveling, moving, our church falling apart, adjustment to the baby, homeschooling, visitors, the Hubby having major surgery, recovery, lots of family time, holidays, and really..... kind of a personal crisis. Yep, my plate was not empty.....

With the new year being here (I have no idea how it crept up on me so fast), I want to go back to blogging, writing about our homeschooling experience, co-ops, field trips, and about what is going on in our lives. How God is blessings us.

Instead of making resolutions that are forgotten half-way through the year, I want to make a change that is life-changing and will last a lifetime. Amidst all this craziness, I was able to read a book and devoured it. It was hard to digest at times, but it was good and will be great once my transition has taken place. I am sure you are eager to know the title and author, but I want to start with the content. It's about healing. Personally, it seems like the entire last year has been about healing, at least for me. It's a process, a slow one; progress is interrupted by many tumbles. Not only did I need healing from the loss of being able to carry my own children - I need healing from many, many other hurts; hurts that sit much deeper. Hurts from the past that still dictate my future and I had enough! Finally, I am saying that those hurts need to stay in the past and not keep on interfering with my present or my future.I have a life to live and I am missing it..... Damn it!

Have you ever thought that you are too sensitive? Too emotional? Too easy to be hurt? Criticism doesn't sit well with you? Do you have a feeling of a black and white world with great justice and injustice? Are you getting depressed, sometimes caused by the smallest things? Do you know what dark holes are where you are trapped and you can't come out by yourself? Is it hard to make decisions for you? Does forgiveness come easy to you? What do you feel when I say anger?

Here is a picture. Imagine a big tree, like one that looks older than hundred years old. Now cut it down! (Don't be an environmentalist right now, it's just your imagination!) What do you see when the tree is cut and lays on its side? Yes, the tree's rings; it's life rings. What do they tell us? Really, they represent the tree's biography. A thin ring for a year of drought, a fat line for a prosperous year. All of those records are there - a lifetime worth of 'memories'.

As humans, we have those rings, too. They are invisible, and most people don't even think about them. They go through life, from one event to the other, with nothing but smiles. Life is grand and the future looks bright - no book needed! Awesome.
Then there are people that are more aware of those rings because they bear dark times that have impacted their life beginning with the past throughout the present, and if nothing changes, they will keep doing it in the future. It's almost like a curse. Those people seem like life is dragging on, it's a constant struggle, it's hard. Ever feel this way? Then I have news for you (and me!).

What the book "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David A. Seamands has shown me was so eye-opening, it has to be life changing! I mean it just has to be. I learned soooo much about myself, and what needs to be done to be FREE from those rings that keep pulling me down - wow! I know what is wrong with me, too: I was wrongly programmed. From early on, we are taught how to react to circumstances on our lives. Parents can do a good job, or a rather bad one. Guess which end of the bargain I got? I DO believe that it also had something to do with the circumstances of the country I was growing up in, a communist country where we were taught not to trust anybody and lie as much as possible. Not really a great start to build healthy relationships with anybody, including parents, siblings, family, and/or friends - even worth when we talk about God, the God that sees deep into our hearts. What relationship do you want to have with your Creator?

Someone said once that "Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it." So true. But what if the way I thought to react IS wrong? Now I need to learn how to turn those ninety percent into 'positive' reactions, turning things around, making the best of a situation. I have to admit, I have never done this before - I am stepping foot on unfamiliar territory here...... 

If you never dealt with this before, or have never even thought about this, it is still important to be aware of it in order not to judge someone that is different than you are. We are not fakes or hypocrites, we just have alot of scars and hurts and faulty programming that blur our behavior today. Patience and love would be great. The truth through bible readings and biblical encouragement. Understanding and support. Until the day arrives when the programming has been reset: a renewal of our minds has taken place. Victory for the glory of God.

I am currently undergoing this process. I am learning .... alot. I will post about my progress along the way. It's a promise to myself, because I WANT this badly! I invite you to learn along with me or just witness the transformation. For my part, I am excited, yet scared. So if you ever have a (devotional) word for me, please share. I will need all the encouragement that I can get.....

Step One: Face my problems squarely! Oh boy.

Coqui's Bedtime Prayer

I just had to share this good night prayer from Coqui. He can be so funny sometimes, and then he throws in his honor.... hilarious. And I am thankful that our God understands kids' humor. 

 "Dear Lord, heavenly Father, I thank you for this day, and every poops and pee. I thank you for the cars and all our toys we have. Please bring me a new Lego Star Wars set (added by Mami: because you don't enough? *ironic smile*).
We honor you. Your name. Bless Mami, bless Peanut, bless Daddy, and bless Munchkin. We love you always. All the time. No matter what. In Jesus Name. Amen."

Check-up time

This Christmas season has been very busy. We had a few visitors at the house, church has been very busy, and of course the baby thing has taken quite a bit of our time. I can proudly say that I am done with Christmas shopping, it's all in the house and needs to be wrapped. We have a tree, decorated the house, and even made a ginger bread house (today). We finished school and had our last school day on Thursday. We did alot this December....

But there was one more thing that I needed to do before the new year: have my bi-annual check-up at the oncology. This is not something that I am looking forward to, as necessary as it is, and as peace-giving it is once it's over and the good results are in. But then, the uncertainty of those good results makes me dreading the entire event. I never liked the procedure to begin with.

So this morning, I got up and had to deal with a sick child - thank God, because I had to focus on him and not on my anxiety. When I drove over there, I prayed in the car, thanking God for my healing, of the cancer and the aftermath. I praised Him for who He is. And I prayed for a clean bill of health. It's not that I expect something to show up, but you never know.....

The appointment went really well. I had to wait for quite some time, but that was okay - I had brought a book - something that is only possible because I have the grandparents at home watching the children. Praise to God that I was pretty calm already, but when the doctor walked in, I calmed down even more. This time, I knew due to the good news, we would have lots of things to talk about. (Talking usually settles my distress even more.) She knows the doctor from the fertility center personally, so she asked questions of how things are going, how far along we are, and of course congratulated us. It doesn't happen every day (in her life) that the patient has good news about a pregnancy when you were the doctor making that impossible in cutting out the necessary parts. So she is extra happy for us, as are the nurses - actually thinking about it, they might be even more thrilled. I could show of pictures of my two kids and the baby on the ultrasound. It was so nice to see their happy faces, and the joy it brought. What an awesome testimony to God's miracle.

There are three parts to the appointment - finding out if I have any symptoms, so she asks me a ton of questions, which I negated all - this is a good thing! Part 'deux' is the examination of my insides (and that is all I am saying...). She feels for new tumors or cysts - and the good news is that she didn't feel anything. I seem to be completely healed on the inside (long time after the surgery, she could still feel some hardened tissue that was of some concern to her.) And last but not least, she did the swap for the pap test which is slightly uncomfortable. And I have to wait for the results.... the only bad part.

So I am partly relieved, that things went really well today, but there is some anticipation left until I get that phone call from the nurse telling me that the pap was clear..... that should happen in two days, right for Christmas. After that, I will be able to completely enjoy Christmas and celebrate Jesus' birth.

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me this morning, on a short notice. It gave me so much peace, and I got some very encouraging words right when I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor. Thank you for that.

Editor's note: It's Thursday, and I got the call I've been waiting for a little earlier today. The nurse gave me the good news over the phone - I could hear the smile in her voice. And when I said "Merry Christmas to me", she laughed and said, that is a merry Christmas indeed. She mentioned again how happy they are for us and our little blessing. They can't wait for me to bring the baby once it's born.... They are such a blessing over there at the oncology. God is so awesome.
Actually, when I talked to the nurse, she told me that ALL the results from yesterday's tests were negative. Isn't that amazing?