07 February 2011

A Praise of Thanksgiving

For the past month, I have been a little preoccupied by the thoughts of recurring cancer.

Let me start from the beginning. About a month ago, I found a lump on my abdomen, while showering. I never felt it there before. To say the least, I was frightened instantly. Living with cancer also means living with the fear of it coming back, at any time. My initial reaction was panic. Then I tried to find explanations to calm myself down. After about a week, I went to my support group - this meeting is for all gynecological cancers. I usually go to give support, not to get it. But for some reason, this meeting was quite somber, and at the end, I just lost it, and "confessed" to the nurse. Of course, she told me that she will talk to the doctor and get me in to see her. And if it is just to give my mind peace.....

I went home, relieved that something will be done, but also more frightened to find out if I die sometime soon. You will laugh reading this, but believe me, at the time, it was not funny. So I waited and within the next three weeks, we came up with a game plan that included lab work and a CT scan and a possible doctor's examination, depending what the scan would or would not reveal. My scan would have come up in May anyway, so we were just having it a little earlier this year. I have to have one each year, to make sure that everything is okay. Sounded good to me!

Now the thing with the CT scan is that I am allergic to the iodine. They have to pre-medicate me, 24 hours before and 24 hours after the injection of the iodine. Something I am most definitely not looking forward to. Taking it for two days is fine, but getting off it is like "floating-on-drugs" and hardcore detox! To make a long story, or waiting time, short, I had my test this past Thursday, and the results came back fine.

Or at least fine enough for now. I am getting cysts quite often. And the doctor says that I have one right now, on the spot where I felt it. If it keeps giving me problems, there are not many options. Eventually, it might mean that she has to remove my ovary / ovaries. Eh? What? My ovaries? Kidding, right??? I was so happy when they were not removed the first time around, now she is talking about another operation? I am not sure what to think? I am not ready to give those up yet? Not only would that take away the last way to ever have another child, but it also would put me in early menopause - and I am not ready for that! For sure!

So I am praying that it will not be necessary! I am also thanking God for taking care of me!

Psalms 30 - A Prayer of Thanksgiving.  
1 I will praise you, LORD, because
   you have saved me
   and kept my enemies from gloating over me.
2 I cried to you for help, O LORD my God,
   and you healed me;
   you kept me from the grave.
3 I was on my way to the depths below,
   but you restored my life. 
 4 Sing praise to the LORD, all his faithful people!
   Remember what the Holy One has done,
    and give him thanks! 
5 His anger lasts only a moment,
   his goodness for a lifetime.
   Tears may flow in the night,
   but joy comes in the morning.



C. Beth said...

No, I don't think any of us would laugh when you say you were afraid of dying--that is definitely an understandable fear when you are a cancer survivor and you find a lump! I will be praying that those cysts just dissolve or disappear so you can keep your egg-makers. :)

Anonymous said...

I am so glad the results came back 'denied' -- and, it is never funny really, to come face to face with our mortality.
Think of it as, where a door closes,- a window opens... Even though, lets hope you do not need close any doors.