25 November 2010

Prayer for a better self

I always have been a 'big' girl. I mean I am not fat, but definitely, I could lose a couple of pounds. So it seems naturally that I always look critically at myself. As a Christian I shouldn't. But I have not been a Christian for a long time. Growing up - and it doesn't matter on which continent that is - it seems, still, that model figures rule! They are the norm. So how can we not see each other like that? How can we not judge someone just because they have a few pounds too much on them?

Most days, I am fine with the way I look, but there are a few days, that I really struggle. When I can't stand to look in the mirror. When I know that certain clothes just won't fit. And it is so frustrating. Frustrating because it seems it isn't just eating too much. My bones are broader than others. So even if I lose, my hips won't get smaller. If I don't eat anything for days, I still won't lose a thing. Stress doesn't bother me, or my weight. You know like some people have a little drama and they drop ten pounds right away....
Frustrating because for the past month, I have tried (and I thought succeeded) to eat less in general, to eat less in the evening in front of the TV, and exercised. Guess what! I gained two pounds! How frustrating is that?

I am not sure how my body works! Really. I am not one of those people who feel inside.... I just don't! So I am actually ready to see a nutritionist. Maybe. I am not sure if that person can help me but I am just plain frustrated! It makes eating a rather unenjoyable affair where everything that goes in my mouth comes along with a bad conscience. I am ready for a change.... a real change that will last a lifetime! I want to love myself! I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I also want to be healthy. Healthy for myself and for my kids. Healthy to live my life to the fullest. I want to be able to run without dragging my body across the asphalt. Healthy to live a long life. I am a cancer survivor, why does this weight loss seems to be so much harder?

So my prayer for tonight is that I will find support in God to help me, to support me, to make me strong when I need to be strong, to show me ways to change, to hold me back when I want to fall backwards. I am purposely writing this in the midst of the 'eating season', meaning Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the goodies that come along with the end of the year season. I don;t want to stuff myself. I am praying for something to click in my head that says enough! Please God, stand by side. I need you. Amen.


Anonymous said...

Thought I had to chime in - that absolutely everyone is critical of themselves, and we, in fact, are our worst critics, seeing things in ourselves that others do not. I think you look fantastic - and I am not just saying this. If you say there are parts of your appearance you dislike - then you`re very good at camouflaging those. It is really good to have goals - to stay healthy, as you have said yourself, but the look is fine. Really fine. But, I know none of us is going to stop scrutinizing ourselves anytime soon....