29 December 2010

No news, good news?

I know I haven't been here for a little while. Well, there are multiple reasons for that.

First of all, it was Christmas and Christmas is about Jesus and family and friends, and not (!) about the computer or the internet and all its inviting websites and virtual acquaintances. So I enjoyed being at home, with the hubby, having his family here and going to Christmas parties and going to church. We had a very nice Christmas Eve service with candle light, the kids were read the Christmas story up front by our pastor's wife - it was really nice. Christmas Morning was a huge success for the kids. And we got a huge surprise on Christmas day, when Tia was standing in front of the door. She said, when I opened the door, my face was 'priceless'. What I was thinking was more like: "what is she doing here? How did she get here? Who picked her up from the airport?" Because you know that she doesn't live around the corner, so for us to get unexpected visitors is a rarity. We were ALL very surprised, Coqui was beyond ecstatic, and Peanut, well she was not so sure at first, but warmed up pretty quickly.

And second of all, I have not many things to write about lately; call it writer's block. There are many things going on in my mind. Before the holidays, I was very involved with a dear friend who is going to go through a divorce. I was in the middle of all of it, and I was very surprised how much it affected me. I mean I couldn't sleep very well, I thought about it all the time, and I was fuming inside, for her. She went on vacation for the holidays, and it was kind of a blessing for me too, as I got a break in being right amid the tumult. It is normal to take sides when it's your friend, but this story has more to it, and maybe one day I will make an article out of it - that's how much it bothers me.

The other thing is very private, and actually surprising to me. Not long ago, I wrote here that I was over the whole jealousy-thing with other people getting pregnant. Well, I guess I wasn't. I mean I enjoyed my close friend's pregnancy, and some others that didn't bother me. But then, about two months ago, I learned that our carrier is pregnant; and it hit me again. I was not aware of it at first.... only just recently, when another friend announced their pregnancy, I had to admit to myself, that I was jealous again. I can not explain it. I can not. We were blessed with our children. But I think, it might be because I don't know what our number of children is suppose to be. One friend wrote a whole blog post about her number and that it's perfect for their family. A different friend wrote that they are what they call quiverful, meaning that they let God decide how many children they can handle (here is the blog post). A beautiful way to look at children as being a blessing. I agree. And I guess I feel like I have no say in it. Not that I do anyway - God is in control. But... yes, I am human, so there is a but.... It makes it all so much harder to have more kids than the natural way.... you know, enjoy your husband and nine months later there you are.... For me, it brings back all the 'bad' thoughts I had after the cancer diagnose and the resulting infertility.......
So I guess, I have to pray harder that God will either satisfy me with the number we have and 'kill' any desire for any more children. Or He has to send us another one and provide the finances.

So besides still having visitors in the house, and actually getting a break from the kids. And going shopping on my own! And running.  And having a phone conversation with old friends without being interrupted five million times. I am fine. I am loving my family. And I am thankful for what I have. If I put all things in prospective, I am truly blessed.