Letting some steam off

I was about to tell you how frustrated I am until I saw that I just wrote a post about my 'bad girl'.... So I guess I can not go on and tell you all about my bad nights I have been having for the past two weeks. Or can I?
She is fine during the day, a little, mostly happy, princess. But at night, the dragon comes out - out of nowhere! She gets into these screaming sessions and there is no apparent reason why she is screaming. She is not wet, can't be hungry as she hasn't eaten at night since being six weeks old - so it's not something new for her! She points to the rocking chair, so I give in. At first, it looks like she would go back to sleep - that is until she has fully calmed down and is ready to play! Yes, play. She points to the floor or just babbles away, like saying 'Coqui' over and over and over.... that's when I start getting frustrated. Because it is not about calming her anymore - Mami instincts are not made for playing in the middle of the night. So I tell her that she needs to stop and try to go to sleep. Eventually I put her back in her crib.... and let her cry it out! Sometimes only for minutes, but for the most part, it's for at least an hour! I hide in my bed with the covers and try not to think of what a 'bad' Mami I am at that point..... but what else can I do??? I am not playing with her.... and her high-pitched screaming that stops immediately when I enter the room tells me that there is nothing wrong with her besides not getting her way!!!

But while laying there last night, it got me thinking. What if people really do think I am a bad Mami? Because you know someone really special went through alot for us to give her to us! Maybe it is just me, but I have this feeling people watching me saying 'she should be a little more appreciative'....
What I have to say to that is: shut up! She is our flesh and blood, was 'simply' baked in another oven, but nonetheless, she is completely ours! We are the parents and sometimes parents have to do what they have to do! Being guidance and being the extended arm of God in love! She is a very testy child, that tries to push every button on me! She likes to get her way, and lets it being known if she is not getting it! If Coqui would have been the one being carried by someone else, I would still be on wings!!! Or heaven on earth.... he is wild but he is compliant. And for that, more lovable of course. That does NOT mean, I don't love my daughter. I DO!!! Totally. I love her so much and I am thankful for her - maybe just not at 1 am when she just wants to play and I can not give it to her at that moment. Her terrible twos just started already at 14 months. But it is just a phase and she will get over it. There is no reason to cease loving her, and I do get ALOT of joy from her during the day.

"Yes, we are thankful for you!"

I feel like I have to add something here.... like that people take 'crisis' in very different ways. What is a crisis to me might not be one for someone else. But what is a tragedy for somebody, I might think that it's not a big deal. I am always keeping that in mind when some friend is hurting or just frustrated, so I hope I find some pity for my crisis right now. The real danger for me lies in depression, and this kind of behavior and the frustration with it could throw me deep high in one, easily. The reason for that is that when I am frustrated I can (and will) find comfort in food. So I am overeating. But then I don't get to work out as much as I should and would because this certain someone doesn't stay with anybody!!! I haven't even thought of bringing her to the gym, knowing she'll just scream bloody murder and they won't have her stay like that. She has stayed with others before, so yes, I have gotten a break, and I AM thankful for those times that it worked!!! Thank you. But right now, it doesn't and it is frustrating......

Just this Sunday, she didn't even want to go inside the church building because she knew that eventually, she'll end up in the nursery. We got her in, got settled, sang the songs during worship, but when I headed to the back, she started crying already. The closer we got to the room, the louder she got. When I just dropped her in and said "Mami needs a break" she lost it. I walked away, knowing they would take care of her, praying that she would calm down - like she has done so many times before! No, she kept screaming. So loud that people started to look at me during the service with that look "aren't you gonna go get her?" I am thinking 'no'! But I also knew that it was (!) very disruptive, so I had pity with the congregation (not my daughter).

But yeah, this is my life right now! I know, all those unmarried people without kids are thinking "I will never have kids, and if I do they won't be like that!" I hear you, I thought the same thing like.... six years ago, no wait, it was only two because my son was NOT like that at all!

So I pray for myself that she will calm down, and I pray for her that she can enjoy going somewhere and not be so clingy. Because I can't imagine that this is fun for her!?! It's more like some joy is taken away from just being a careless kid... I don't know. God bless you.