14 April 2010

Decision making and Bi-polar Disease

For the last couple of days, I have been thinking of opening up this blog to the public - I know it would be an enormous step for me. I have mentioned here, what bothers me about opening it up, and that is the vulnerability of me and my family.
So I was sitting in Bible Study this morning, hearing a message about fighting the good fight for Jesus. Okay, I can do that. It also means, to open up, speak up and be an example. Well, how can I be just THAT if I don't share this with everybody? So I think I might just do it!?

Here comes another side of me, that I don't like to share, usually. It is something that I have found out about myself a couple of years ago. It is not proven by any doctor, but with any mental disease, it is hard to diagnose in any case. I think I have bi-polar depression and to top that off with a bi-polar eating disorder. (Yes, friends, that's why I am weird sometimes!) How do I think I could have this? Well, if one just reads the definition of each, I (!) have no doubt. A doctor may have doubt and wants more testing, but I just refuse to do so. Coming to God a couple of years ago changed my life completely - where I have to say that it is not DONE yet, but I am in a constant transition of being changed. And I strongly believe that with God's help I can, one day, overcome all of this. He has brought me a long way already, so far that for the longest time I actually had forgotten all about this disease. But one day, it just showed up again, and it brought alot of memories back. Finding old friends on Facebook doesn't help either...

So a definition of the bi-polar depression is, as you can just google it yourself, "experiencing extreme fluctuations of mood"; tending "to lose the inner balance", finding myself "at the far ends of the emotional spectrum". I think I have a mild case, as I am not laying in bed for days or maxing out the credit cards. I am fully aware of it and try to fight it. No, I will not kill myself, that would be a sin. God is with me every single day. He shows me my mistakes and I believe that I do not need any medications. (I am very anti-meds anyway!) But I can totally refer to extreme mood swings, sometimes within minutes or hours of each other. Staring with lots of energy and a restlessness, to a point where I don't care about anything and feel like nobody loves me. BUT I KNOW that God does love me, and with that knowledge I pull myself together each and every time. God gives me the strength to pull myself out of the pit and I am so thankful for that.

So why am I writing this at all? Because making up my mind about making my blog public might not be the end of it. I can see myself being fed up with the world one day and close it again. After all, this is mostly for me. And for those that stick by me no matter what. And I am so thankful for those people in my life. God is good ALL the time!


C. Beth said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. I love you. :)