11 March 2010

What Do I Want?

I think I mentioned this before, we are doing a Beth Moore bible study at church. I have been pretty bad in doing the homework, but this week's session really spoke to me. So in only 1 1/2 days, I have almost completely finished the homework! (5 days worth!) Oh, it is the book of Esther. And this week's session was on the courage of Esther. Beth Moore said that sometimes "we can protect ourselves right out of our callings". I reckon that is true. I have not learned yet to listen to God.... so I am still waiting for my calling.... or at least I think it is still unknown. At the beginning, we were suppose to share with a friend what we expect of this study: mine was that I want to find out what I am suppose to do with my life, find my purpose and find my calling. Funny that it has come back so soon....

A calling for what God wants you to do can take alot of courage! I am sure that in our life, it will be nothing like for Esther, I mean a matter of life or death. It will be more like moving somewhere that God needs us, or spend all your savings on a business... Well, I have taken the courage to move to a different continent, check! Then I took all my savings, which were not much as I had to support myself through college, and invested it in my family, check! So what's next???

I want to hear from God so badly. I want to know what I am good at? Yes, sadly to say, I don't know.... I am longing for my purpose, for what I am suppose to do. It is almost painful to wait for it.....

Then I did my homework, working on the character of Haman, or rather is lack of character. And I found out that maybe I have done something already....
"Any time God calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life." Check. I was diagnosed with cancer, that was shocking enough. He healed me and I certainly have a different view and perspective on life now. He even gave us another child, something we thought not possible for a long time. He certainly answers prayers!!!

But still, I have the feeling something is missing. I feel my finger tips tingle wanting to do something. My mind aches trying to find what it is.... Of course it doesn't help to see that all my friends around me are more successful than me, having their own business, being younger than me, being more successful in their family, too..... oh the pressure!!! And yes, I know, that pressure is totally self-created! Nobody tells me what a terrible cook I am, WHEN I cook - that is not very often. Nobody tells me what a looser I am not owning my own business. Nobody is telling me what a terrible mother I am when I lose my self-control with a crying baby and stubborn toddler.... oh the pressure!
Then on the other hand, I am asking myself: am I just some copycat seeing that it has worked for others? I mean I started many things in my life: photography, drawing, sewing, scrap booking,... What am I suppose to be? Who am I suppose to be?

So while doing my homework, a thought crossed my mind: "I have a mental preoccupation" and not on myself!!! Just thinking of all the things others have accomplished and what is 'wrong' with me, diminishes my joy of what I have and have accomplished in my life! And that is? I mean I moved to a different country, twice; learned those languages, pretty easily. I supported myself through the college years by myself, and with the help of lots of people that God put in my way to help me. One of my photographs was published in a little known magazine. I was once co-editor and then main editor in our college art magazine. That is a little something, right? I do have some small talents, I guess.... now I just have to figure out what my main talent is and....? I DO WANT GOD's APPROVAL! Is that so wrong? So I pray daily for God to reveal my purpose to me.