06 November 2011


You would think I have done enough fighting in my life - starting in early childhood when I was closer to death than to life with a very serious pneumonia that kept me in a hospital for three months. Growing up in East Germany, left some more scars, emotionally. Getting healed from bi-polar depression was awesome, and it was only possible by the glory of God. Being diagnosed with cancer and fighting for my life was just another step that I had to take to grow my faith in our Savior. Through that trial, He gave me so much hope and I could truly feel His love for me.

Today, through all those trials, I feel blessed because I can appreciate all that the Lord has given me so much more. He blessed me with a family that I love so much, children that were born by me and by someone else. They are both miracles and blessings - they are testimonies for God's mercy and love. He is our Creator and Sustainer and I thank Him for that every day.
Recently, I went through alot more stuff that needed faith on my behave and full trust in God that everything would work out. Really, I was on the top of a mountain.

And then four days ago, I woke up and had that weird feeling that something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it. I knew what started my 'bad' thinking process, or rather how the devil got me in his fingers. For hours I prayed that God would pull me out, out of that depression and the heavy heart that I was feeling. I didn't understand why this was happening. I was just on top of the mountain - did I fall down over night without realizing it? What was going on?

On Thursday, I was just depressed. On Friday, I got angry about this. Why was I feeling so terrible? On Saturday morning, I knew I had to fight. It was not over yet, but I felt like I KNOW the right stuff, I know who God is and what He has done, I know that He will pull me through this, I just didn't know when and why not right away. And I will just have to fight for it! I wanted my peace and joy back! Sunday, today, was much better, and tonight I finally figured it out.

It was fear!

Fear that crept in overnight. A fear that I did not expect because I was at such peace with everything in my life. It took me off guard and shook what I thought were concrete believes. I felt nothing, even though I knew and still know that God is in control. He never left my side. But, He also needed me to battle this one with Him, to give Him all the glory. It is said that 'Don't be afraid' is the most mentioned statement in the bible. God knows how we humans handle things, if we handle them ourselves. That's where satan can come in and tries to throw us off our path. I found the following verse tonight that is so true and encouraging.

"Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared." (Proverbs 3:25-26)

Praying and spending time with God was what kept be sane. I still longed for Him and His never-ending love. I am okay now. And what I went through is called spiritual warfare. I had never experienced it. But now, the victory of God is so sweet. God is so marvelous and awesome. Next time, I will be better prepared, and will listen to God before satan can pull me down again. I will put on the armor of God and fight right away before I get carried away in worry and fear. Oh Lord, my Savior, you are so faithful.

And here is what I found after reading and reading and reading:
"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You will have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
(Psalm 16:9-11)

I thank my Lord for bringing me peace throughout every single day!


Tiffany said...

Fear....that nasty little booger! But, we have power over it! I'm so happy you fought and knew what you were fighting against. :o) I've been there many many times.