The Joy Of Giving

After a somber story, I do have a happy one to tell, that includes a great teaching moment with Coqui.

So Monday, December the 19th, Coqui tells me that he doesn't want it to be Hanukkah tomorrow. I was very surprised and asked him, why. His explanation was something along the line of "wanting it to be Christmas already". So I asked him why he doesn't want to wait, it was only five more days. So he tells me that he was ready to receive his gifts.

Oh, all the red flags went up and I knew this was the moment to bring out my teaching tools...

So I told him that Christmas is not only about receiving gifts, but foremost to give gifts and joy. (Besides that it is about Jesus anyways, but he knows that part very well - we had been working on the nativity story half the month of December.) We had talked about the 'joy of giving' before, especially when it comes to someone else's birthday and Coqui doesn't get a gift but has to buy one for the friend. The sound of those 'greedy' words scared me enough to want to make this one stick... until next year.

When I asked him if he has brought any gifts for the family, he had to deny. I told him that he needed to give, too, not just expect gifts. I made him pull out his piggy bank and told him that I would take him shopping the very next day to buy a gift for each family member.

Tuesday came and he was actually very excited to go on a 'Mami-date', buying gifts for the people he loves. Leaving the house, he actually already told me that he had an idea for his Mema (grandma) and Buelo (grandpa) - which made me happy, because I knew then that he had actually thought about what I had told him.

We left the house and went to the first store where he found easily what he wanted for the two mentioned-above family members. Standing at the cash register, he put the two items on the counter and asked how much it was. He then pulled out his money. It was about $9, 86 (or something close to it) - and we started counting his pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. Yes, only coins! It was a Christian store, so I loved that the lady working there was very supportive and asked Coqui lots of questions. He made him feel proud and it was worth every penny that was counted - which took about two minutes to count those nine dollars and some change.

By now, he was so psyched. He told me where he needed to go next and I brought him there. There, we looked around quite a long time. It was hard to find something suitable for Daddy, but at last he made a decision. Finding something for his sister was so much easier - I think it was hardest to make a wise decision, money-wise. Again, I helped him pay for the items purchased. He was so excited - it was contagious for me.


Now, I told him, he had to find someone else to take him shopping, because, obviously, I couldn't be around when he was buying me a present. So a few days later, Daddy went out and got him something for me - but he took Coqui's money.

Arriving home, Coqui yelled into the house for everyone to hide, so we could carry in our 'loot' and bring it upstairs, where we went to work on wrapping it right away. He did this mostly himself as well. Then we made name tags and he wrote out each name all by himself. It was so cute. All four presents were wrapped in four different papers, that were then hidden in our bedroom.

On Christmas morning, he brought them out and watched all of us unwrapping his presents - it was beautiful to see him so joyful. Mema cried when she opened hers, but that was a giving.....

I am so glad that this happened - what a great way to teach my boy about the joy of giving.

Resentments

If you are into reading 'happy' blog posts about a 'perfect' life, then you might not want to read on. My life is for sure not boring and I am not perfect, and perhaps, sometimes, steam just needs to come out. Especially the other day. I know, nobody wants to read sad stories.... I wouldn't want that either. So after thinking it over and over, I decided to post what I wrote down the other day, because this is my life right now and life is not always that pretty anyways.

January 1st - the new year did not start with a bang or a bunch of resolutions, for me, it started with resentments:

I am resenting today.

I resent that I am not pregnant, but someone else is carrying my baby - I am 'just' an expectant parent, or merely a mother-in-waiting. Actually, on the paper work, we are referred to as the 'intended parents' - like someone can change their minds. It sucks.

I resent the fact that for some reason, God thought it needed to be this way, when I really just want to scream "why"? That question has not popped into my head for a long time, and suddenly, it's back. Why cancer? Why can I not be the one pregnant?

I resent that I won't feel the first kick of the baby. There are no butterflies in my tummy - but someone else gets to feel that. Why? It rips my heart out just thinking of it.

I resent that I can not spend any alone-time with my baby; I can not just sit in a rocking chair and speak with it, because there are always (at least) two extra eyes and two extra ears! I can not bond with it the way I would want to, and the woman who is carrying it doesn't want to bond, for her own sake! (and it is good this way!) It sucks to be the baby, I guess....

I resent that I was robbed of a nice birth story with all of my children. Why do others get to do it over and over when they already have one beautiful story to tell? It hurts.

I resent that I even forget sometimes that there is a baby on the way, because it is not here with us. I am not saying that the family feels complete, but the baby is not always topic number one of our lives, and it should!


I resent that the Hubby doesn't get any time with the baby at all, that he can't sit next to me, put his hand on my belly and talk to the baby. (Because as a man, you just don't do that to someone else's wife!)


I resent that my children will not witness the miracle of a normal pregnancy. They can not just sit with me and talk to their sibling. They can not bond with it either. So this is a fear of mine, that reality will just hit them so much harder than in normal growing families.

I even resent that the grandparents get robbed of their experience as well.

I resent that everyone only sees the 'beauty' of this process and the sacrifice that the 'other woman' is offering. I did not ask for this! I would have preferred to live without miscarriages, cancer and hysterectomy. I would have preferred to carry my own babies. At times, it feels like, nobody sees the sacrifices I had to endure to even bring us to this place. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing, and yes, she is giving up so much, for us, just because.... and I appreciate it! I DO. It is a very selfless gift that this family is offering us.

I resent that if you ask me which of the three tragedies were harder on me, that I have to say: infertility. By far, it was harder than cancer and miscarriages; as devastating the loss of my children was, and as scary as cancer is still today, infertility seems so final. 

And I resent that I have to write this down. Because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. If I don't, I will scream one day for sure, because it all seems so unfair. If I don't, I will not be free of these emotions one day, to ONLY see the beauty of it all. I feel misunderstood by everybody, so maybe this will help....

I resent all of it.

So, it's out. If you are still there - kudos to you!
I believe all those feelings are actually okay. The Hubby is trying to understand me and my feelings - he knows what I have been through. He is my light in the tunnel, my rock in the storm. He also said that he is a person that would not see the things that we lost but the things gained. Well, good for him, because I am just not wired that way. I do have to grieve over all the things that I lost, that is just who I am.

BUT I do want to say that he is right! Our joy is still dominating the entire process, a very complicated process.  A process that involves two families: two women and their feelings, lots of hormones; husbands that are supporting us and encouraging us when we need it, and that are patient. To add to all that, we have each children that need tending to. It's called life. And isn't there a saying that we have to do the best out of what life presents in front of us? Well, that is what is needed in this very special circumstance. It might just not always be pretty.

So these last few days and weeks, I have spend many hours around my family and just enjoyed what I have at the moment. Giggles and laughter from Coqui and Peanut are like balsam to my soul. A hug and an encouraging word from the Hubby are like huge band-aids. Being surrounded by the people who have seen with their own eyes how hard it has been for our family the last seven years, it helps! I love them and I thank them for their support, emotionally, spiritually, and in so many other ways. I know I am blessed..... I just have to 'earn' this next blessing, too.

Check-up time

This Christmas season has been very busy. We had a few visitors at the house, church has been very busy, and of course the baby thing has taken quite a bit of our time. I can proudly say that I am done with Christmas shopping, it's all in the house and needs to be wrapped. We have a tree, decorated the house, and even made a ginger bread house (today). We finished school and had our last school day on Thursday. We did alot this December....

But there was one more thing that I needed to do before the new year: have my bi-annual check-up at the oncology. This is not something that I am looking forward to, as necessary as it is, and as peace-giving it is once it's over and the good results are in. But then, the uncertainty of those good results makes me dreading the entire event. I never liked the procedure to begin with.

So this morning, I got up and had to deal with a sick child - thank God, because I had to focus on him and not on my anxiety. When I drove over there, I prayed in the car, thanking God for my healing, of the cancer and the aftermath. I praised Him for who He is. And I prayed for a clean bill of health. It's not that I expect something to show up, but you never know.....

The appointment went really well. I had to wait for quite some time, but that was okay - I had brought a book - something that is only possible because I have the grandparents at home watching the children. Praise to God that I was pretty calm already, but when the doctor walked in, I calmed down even more. This time, I knew due to the good news, we would have lots of things to talk about. (Talking usually settles my distress even more.) She knows the doctor from the fertility center personally, so she asked questions of how things are going, how far along we are, and of course congratulated us. It doesn't happen every day (in her life) that the patient has good news about a pregnancy when you were the doctor making that impossible in cutting out the necessary parts. So she is extra happy for us, as are the nurses - actually thinking about it, they might be even more thrilled. I could show of pictures of my two kids and the baby on the ultrasound. It was so nice to see their happy faces, and the joy it brought. What an awesome testimony to God's miracle.

There are three parts to the appointment - finding out if I have any symptoms, so she asks me a ton of questions, which I negated all - this is a good thing! Part 'deux' is the examination of my insides (and that is all I am saying...). She feels for new tumors or cysts - and the good news is that she didn't feel anything. I seem to be completely healed on the inside (long time after the surgery, she could still feel some hardened tissue that was of some concern to her.) And last but not least, she did the swap for the pap test which is slightly uncomfortable. And I have to wait for the results.... the only bad part.

So I am partly relieved, that things went really well today, but there is some anticipation left until I get that phone call from the nurse telling me that the pap was clear..... that should happen in two days, right for Christmas. After that, I will be able to completely enjoy Christmas and celebrate Jesus' birth.

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me this morning, on a short notice. It gave me so much peace, and I got some very encouraging words right when I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor. Thank you for that.

Editor's note: It's Thursday, and I got the call I've been waiting for a little earlier today. The nurse gave me the good news over the phone - I could hear the smile in her voice. And when I said "Merry Christmas to me", she laughed and said, that is a merry Christmas indeed. She mentioned again how happy they are for us and our little blessing. They can't wait for me to bring the baby once it's born.... They are such a blessing over there at the oncology. God is so awesome.
Actually, when I talked to the nurse, she told me that ALL the results from yesterday's tests were negative. Isn't that amazing?

A Big Milestone

Today is a huge milestone - we are 12 weeks pregnant! 

(Yes, I think that deserves an exclamation mark.)

On one hand, time just flew by and I can not believe that one third of the pregnancy is already over. So that means, I only have six more months to get 'ready'.... as much as one can get ready for Number Three.

On the other hand, within three months, a lot has happened. We started this journey with a bunch of time-consuming preparations - lawyers, psychiatrists, financial advisers, and so on. Followed by the more exciting people at the fertility centers - amazing nurses and doctors that made this a very smooth ride for all involved. Our doctor obviously knew what he was doing and he did it well - and at the end, he was excited for us, and I think a little proud of himself.

Then there were alot of adjustments on a more personal level; hormonal, emotional, and practical. It was a time of change for everyone associated with this awesome journey. Schedules had to be matched up for appointments, childcare arranged for multiple children, and less practical things had to be managed between two families. Beth had to adjust to the hormones and the 'novelty' of being pregnant (again). She had to embrace nausea and queasiness, tiredness and fatigue, and some other discomforts. I had to undergo a period of grieving, and every feeling that comes with such a suffering. I want to point out that this was not anticipated YET it was healthy and necessary to receive the blessings that would follow the mourning. (*smile*)

Now, a new stage has begun. The first trimester symptoms are tapering off. No more fertility hormones have to be taken and Beth's body is doing what it is suppose to do. The grieving on my part is complete. Our friendship is stronger than it was ever before. JOY was embedded in both of us. And the excitement can be felt in the air. Yet we have managed to bring back a little bit of 'normal' life in the lives of both families - as normal as life can be in a "shared pregnancy".

I love that Beth is sharing so much with me, involving me in various situations. I appreciate the sacrifice on her side, just as she sees the sacrifice in my position. And believe me, this entire adventure is a blessing to all of us, and so worth it to experience. It is just so beautiful, and my heart jumps every time I think about the full significance of this endeavor.

In those past 12 weeks, we got to see the Baby four times, from being 5 days old to Friday when it was 11 weeks and 5 days. Every time, we were amazed at how much bigger the baby had grown. This last time happened during our first prenatal visit, and we rejoiced when we saw it leaping inside of Beth's uterus. The appointment went very well, the midwives at the local birthing center were supportive to our special situation, and I believe they will be part of making this a wonderful experience for me, too.

If you want to check out the little bump that keeps growing, here is a link to Beth's post that she wrote yesterday. Thank you, Beth, for being the vessel for my baby, and providing it with a warm place to grow, for loving it and for including me on the good days as well on the not-so-fun days, for acknowledging my place in this situation and for making me feel so special.

12 weeks - and counting down to the arrival of our blessing.

In the meantime, I am enjoying the ride on this wonderful adventure that is a true testimony to God's glory.

Sharing a post from a friend

I just wanted to share a post written by my friend Bethany about the Duggar family and the loss of their child. Here is the link "Michelle Duggar's Miscarriage".

Bethany knows, just like me, how it feels to lose a child that you had hoped to get to know and see grow up. It is never easy to have to give that child up before even meeting it. I remember how desperate I was when I lost my two children - and that was before I had 'live' kids. It was so hard to be left with 'nothing' after the excitement and anticipation of finally having my own. It was a true loss and I had no idea how to deal with my grief and anger - nobody taught me what to do in such a situation. I was a young Christian, so reaching out to God was not always my first thought, not like it is now. I am so glad that the Duggar family are deep in their faith and have that comfort, it does make things a little easier. Their was a purpose for that little baby - look at what impact it already has made. God is a great comforter - He can heal and He has a plan for all of us. He doesn't want to see us sad, but rejoice with Him, because there might be a greater purpose for that child. It's not easy, but so worth it to follow God's plan as it is written in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Thank you, Lord Jesus, that you are watching over us.

I love the pictures they took from the baby - in my eyes, it makes saying goodbye so much more manageable than what happen in my case, when 'baby' just got lost somewhere in the toilet. I am sorry that I have to write it out so point-blank, but that is something that I had to find healing for. I wish I even thought of taking pictures. So I am glad that they did and share it with us. Those pictures are so beautiful and they make me smile. It's a reminder how precious they are.

It touches me even more today, because we just came back from our first prenatal appointment and I got to see our baby, once again, 'live' on the ultrasound screen. We saw it move it's hands and legs, it turned a few times, and we saw, and heard, that strong heart beating. It was wonderful. And I can't wait to meet this little baby that is growing inside of my best friend's womb. Thank you, Beth, for following God's calling and be a part of growing this miracle. It's such a precious gift to receive and I am so thankful.

Bethany wrote a book that she published recently, it's called "Answers in a Time of Miscarriage". I won a copy of it and have read it, and it is a wonderful tool for someone that has experienced a miscarriage and needs comfort. I wish I had the book when I faced my two miscarriages. The link for it is here: http://www.preciousinfants.com/miscarriage.htm. 

You don't have to go through this alone. There are people out there to help you!